Why are all of the questions and stories answered with such negative feedback?

so sorry for the hurt feelings here — but as someone who has endured the abuse of a BPD / BP husband for 4 years … I can understand why these comments are negative.  If I were to respond based on my experience (and that's what most people have to work with) … I'd have to say RUN — RUN, GET AWAY and DON'T LOOK BACK.

sorry – above comment is mine but it posted too soon
 
I've tried to have compassion and empathy but have learned that is how and where I allow myself to be abused.  The books say "you're the healthy one … it's 10 times harder on them than you " so we keep persevering … to the point where we've been so mentally abused.  My spouse felt he could go to therapy and take his meds — and that allowed him the right to "be well" and drink & drug as he pleased … and to be so abusive to me and the kids.  I kept trying … knowing he didn't want to be like this and hoping  that I could help him change.  He's a very intelligent man … and even his own sister (an education woman) says "I don't feel sorry for him he's had too many chances to get help and get well … yet continues to be a "blame thrower"".  He does blame everyone else for anything wrong – can't be him he's to fragile.
So my apology to you – I'm sorry but I understand the negativity it's a reaction to how we've been treated.
I wish you well and hope you don't drink or use drugs … it's not good with these problems.

It's true that not only on this website but others devoted to BPD, that the comments of those who either talk about their experience of people with BPD or are even therapists are exceptionally hostile to people with this condition. I an understand why this upsets you because there are people do genuinely suffer and there BPD sufferers who understand their condition and try to control it.
BPD is a terrible condition that needs to be understood more widely  and dealt with by society as a whole.
Unfortunately living with someone that has BPD is a terrible and damaging experience. The people who experience it are vitims as well and are frequently the last people that can actuallly help the BPD sufferer because they are essentially trapped in a cycle of abuse.
If you are a BPD sufferer I can only re-inforce the message from many on this site of recognise your condition first, then get professional help and then try to work with those who genuinely care about you. You cannot simply expect a victim of abuse to turn around and help their abuser given they have probably made many serious attempts to help in the past, that have simply ended up in more abuse.
If you are in a relationship with someone that has strong BPD symptoms and they have not been diagnosed or they had but are unwillng to get professional help, the best advice really is to bring there attention to the problem and then get out.
 
 
 
 
That being said the damage that someone with BPD can do to someone that cares about them is immense.

The stories of these traumatizing relationships with BPD are so common, yet I doubt how accurately the blame is placed. Everyone knows the stigma attached to personality disorders, but have anyone of you realized how hard it is to fight the constant exploitation of the diagnosis by those who refuse to admit their mistakes and take the easy way out claiming their opponent simply is having a flare up and doesn't know what's happening? You think the irrational fears of the person with the condition are the only thoughts based off less than concrete evidence? They're feelings are constantly marginalized as mere "symptoms" and their thoughts are subject to the same treatment. 
The only difference between those diagnosed and those not are simply a few characteristics. They are all common to the general population and come in a multitude of strengths and displays. Does anyone wonder why women are so commonly diagnosed instead of having their actions and feelings treated as something other than delusional. It's a systematic immobilization and degradation of not just women, but those who think differently. 
Instead of ranting on a blog forum, how about you sit down with the so-called "abusers" and listen to them. Not plug in your advice, but simply listen. I have BPD and this has been the greatest help my significant other could provide me. Unfortunately, he read THIS website before we had a chance to talk and I had to do damage control convincing him I wasn't going to become as insane as those discussed on here. People get too caught up in these "diagnosis" and forget to treat these people like human beings with legitimate reasons for their actions. Yes, they do have reasons regardless of how over-amplified they seem. 
How can someone with BPD defend themselves when their "condition" is constantly thrown at them. 
Ridiculous.

I see a lot of excuses and self-pity exemplified in some of the responses here in regards to the ‘misunderstood’ BPD. Yes, BPD folks are people too. Of course they are. Abusers of every stripe are people as well. Being a human being does not give anyone liscense to hurt others, intentionally or not. Abusers also deny that they did anything wrong, they too blame their victims (in fact they don’t consider them victims at all, but aggravators. Abusers, and those with BPD, believe THEY are the only victims). It’s this twisted thinking that allows them to perpetuate the abusive cycle in the first place. At the heart of the matter in both cases, is an inability to conceive wrongdoing in themselves; they percieve things like a baby…black or white, pointing the finger of blame at others to deflect away from their own dirty hands; They are like babies before they were socialized to learn the basics of emotional regulation and personal responsability. They expect the world to revolve around them and their emotions at all times…when it doesn’t they wail or rage just like a baby does in the same situation. Therein lies the source of the problem. BPD and abusers (essentially the same, they have the exact same modus operendi) were never parented beyond the baby stage. They maintain the same emotional and psychological operations as a baby. The same emotional maturity. Hence the tantrums, wailing, self-pity, rage. All normal for a baby. Toxic and dysfunctional in anyone over the age of 2 or 3. All of these responses emerge as a recurring pattern. If asked to be responsable for this pattern of behavior it’s always the same: Deny, project, blame, scapegoat, rage, self-pity and suicide threats if all else fails. All this because they CANNOT and WILLNOT be responsable for how they push their violent, abusive emotional states, and behaviors onto others. They avoid personal responsability for any wrongdoing on their part at all costs. They’ll deny reality and sacrafice their children’s wellbeing to do so. Everything gets sacraficed to this. In their eyes, the only thing that matters is what they feel in the moment. Truth is irrevelant, how they hurt others is irrelevent. They’ll invent reasons to justify why they raged at someone uncontrollably, even if it’s from their imagination. They’ll find a way to justify it somehow. A haughty refusal to account for their dysfunction is more apt i.e. How dare they be called out to face their behavior! Rage is prevelant. Normal people over the age of 3 don’t rage at the drop of a hat or even at all (the rare exception might be life or death situations, war, confronting someone who abused your child, etc. Rage is different from anger, and but for a few extremely dangerous , life threatening, or abusive situations,rage is non-existant in a healthy person). Really.

And no, people aren’t too caught up in the “diagnosis” and give BPD a bad name. The truth is people get caught up in the recurring abuse a BPD person commits against them. It’s the BPD person’s own actions that give them a bad reputation. What a joke it is to say it’s a diagnosis and not their own blatant abusive actions that give them a bad name. Furthermore, it is a fallacy to propose that just because someone is diagnosed with a personality disorder, they should therefore get sympathy and a free pass for their behavior. To suggest that all they need is more understanding is ludicrous. What they need is accountability. Guess what? There’s never been an abuser who didn’t also have a personality disorder. It’s why they abuse in the first place. Narcissists, sociopaths, BPD–they all abuse. I’ll clarify that not every personality disordered person abuses. People with avoidant personality disorder for example do not. But the more malignant disorders such as BPD, narcissim, sociopathy, where part of the “sufferers” disorder is emotional volatility and a refusal to conceive wrongdoing in themselves—that is the recipe for an abuser. There has never been a abuser who didn’t have a personality disorder (again, not that ALL personality disordered people abuse, exempt would be PTSD, avoidant personality disorder, those disorders that were causes by traumatic and often abusive events themselves). Furthermore, it is a MYTH that abusers were abused themselves. People don’t abuse because the were abused. That is a myth and an excuse abusers take advantage of to no end. People who were abused don’t go on to abuse others…not unless they have a personality disorder that enables them to rage without consequences or remorse. The only people who abuse are those that feel entitled to rage, to emote to the fullest extent of dysfunction, and then deny it, deny the consequences of that, shucking all responsability for their actions onto their victim. An inability to face consequences for themselves and their actions is the core of this disorder. It is also the core of an abuser’s modus operendi. Account for what they’ve done? They honestly don’t think they need to. They’ll either rage and blame or descend into a pool of self-pity, believing if only people understood them better, overlooked what they’ve done, then all would be okay….This too is a mere evasion tactic. It’s all so they never have to look at themselves, face reality, face consequences. It’s just that they think they’re above that. I know many are baffled by BPDs in this regard. We may think they are just being immature or selfish, or cruel on purpose. No, it’s just that they truly, deeply feel they don’t have to answer for what they’ve done to other people. Their actions are your problem, not theirs. All they know is that they aren’t responsable for their behavior. I know many of us may be astonished by the BPDs denials of what they’ve done. We think, oh my god, first they abused us, now they’re lying on top of it! They’re trying to drive us crazy intentionally, they must be sadistic! No…thats not what drives them. Instead they are driven by a need to avoid accountablity for themselves at all costs. The denials, lies, projections, and blame casted off onto their victims are mere byproducts of their desire to avoid facing accountability. It’s not that they enjoy torturing you. These people need more accountability. Everyone needs to understand thats what they truly need. The problem is, how do you get a person to face their dysfunctional behaviors when their whole psychology is hardwired to avoid accountabilty? This avoidance of accountability is the reason they rage, throw tantrums, wail like a baby. It’s not that they’re born unable to progress beyond a baby’s level of development. It’s that they were simply never made to face consequences for this sort of behavior, unlike most of us. The time to do that was during toddlerhood, when one’s personality was actually forming and starting to integrate with the world around them. Their parents either spoiled them rotten by indulging in this behavior, or neglected them, simply let parenting go by the way side. Either way, the road leads to the same place. To a place where they were not taught to regulate their emotions in a healthy way, where they were never instilled with the sense of personal responsability. Very basic stuff. Like a baby, if they mess up, they don’t own it, they point the finger elsewhere and wail.
I’ve read many posts about helping one to deal with BPD individuals. And it’s true that leaving is the only option for anyone living with an abuser who refuses to take accountability, BPD or not. Explaining, listening, asking what we can do to help a BPD (or an abuser) be less stressed, less apt to “take it out” on us, never works. Their cycle continues. Discussing things with them allows fails, they don’t listen, they quickly degenerate into rage, avoidance tactics, and blame. Nothing changes without leaving. At this point they may consider therapy, professional help. If that helps an abusive person to get real about what they do to other people, fine. I hope it works. I wish it’d work. No one wants their loved one or family member with BPD to get healthy more than us. It’s just that they are so dysfunctional thinking they don’t get it. They twist realilty on its head. When one tries to address the problem they always get worse, not better. They do what they always do REACT. React outrageously. Accountability is the only cure for this disorder. And it has to come the hard way with these people. First you have to smash their illusions, all of which tell them they are fine and everyone else is the problem. It’s difficult. They first have to smash through all their defenses against reality: denial, blame, projection, self-pity. That is what everyone needs to understand. A diagnosis does not mean everyone should lay off holding them accountable and just “understand” that this is how they are. Bullshit. All the diagnosis does is slap a label on a summarized description of a BPD’s dysfunctional behaviors and attitudes. All it means is that you now know what the problem is YOUR BEHAVIOR, YOUR THINKING PATTERNS, and now you have to work a little (or lets be real, a lot) harder than the rest of us to be able to relate to others in a healthy, non abusive way. Drop the excuses. Own your actions. People have a problem with what you do, not who you are. It’s what you do, not a diagnosis, not a mere word, which gives you a negative connotation. It’s what you do, stupid. Highlight this in big words and put the banner on your forehead if thats what it takes. IT’S WHAT YOU DO.
If you can drop the anger, the blame, the excuses and deal with that simple fact, then you are well on your way to recovery.

The answers here seem to be from the people who are jaded about what BPD has done to them. Living with this disorder, I can honestly say that no one with BPD or other psychiatric illnesses can understand the pain that we live with. The tantrums or depression, for me are not based at the person who is there for me but for things that remind me of the horrors of the past. I have seen the results of my actions and I feel so remorseful to those I hurt, I end up feeling bad for feeling bad. Life is hard for everyone, I understand this. For me, I wouldn’t push away a friend or a loved one if they where dealing with a terminal illness. Those who have been hurt by BPD don’t understand that mental illness is just as serious as a physical illness. Being bi-polar and BPD, I have had numerous people leave me because they don’t want to deal with the “sickness”, but for me it reinforces the belief that I truly am horrible and not worthy of trust and love.

I have hurt some of the closest people around me, but not for spite, it was me being selfish in finding some comfort. I know I can be manipulative, I hate that part about me but I don’t know how to fix it. Just as those who have been hurt by the disorder, those who live with it 24/7 are hurting all the time.

My “acting out” or abuse is always directed at myself, my anger or depression is my own. I don’t understand how “normal” people can get through their day and I can’t. I often question myself why is it that when others have disappointment they can bounce back, but for me when this happens I want to die or hurt myself. I often feel as if I was absent that day when they taught coping skills. I am currently undergoing treatment for my BPD because I am so sick of hurting, being sad and hurting those around me. I realize I am the only one who can change myself and my actions, I am taking responsibility for what I have done and caused. No one can make you feel a certain way, those without the illness count your lucky stars that you don’t have to swallow 7 pills a daily, worry about losing your job due to emotional instability, or having all those around you worry that you may seriously injure yourself on an impulse.

Please don’t give up on us, we do want to love and be happy. Those without the disorder, remember you are the healthy one and that the strong are supposed to help the weak. You are not the one who has an illness, I mean would you leave someone if they were battling cancer or some other injury?

-ww

A friend with a terminal illness does not have a pattern of abusing you, then blaming you for it. A friend with a terminal illness need not wreak havoc on everyone else’s psychological health and wellbeing. They most likely aren’t busy blackmailing you emotionally, or bullying you with suicide threats to get their way. They probably don’t even come close to experiencing the level of self-pity and self-centeredness of your typical BPD. And they are capable of self-awareness as well as understanding other people’s needs on a basic level. They may be dying, crippled physically, but they are still capable of two-way, normal relationships. The key difference: the dying terminally ill person is not destroying everyone else around them.
If you want to use analogies how about this. Ask yourself: Would it be alright for you to leave someone who repeatedly stabs you? Especially when this person has been stabbing you their whole life? You’re not allowed to talk about the stabbings. When you do, the person stabs you harder, more rabidly. Discussing things doesn’t get them to stop stabbing, to you try the only option left. You try to leave. But that doesn’t work either because the stabber then threatens to stab themselves. In essence the stabber is demanding “Stay with me and let me stab you for the rest of our lives. Or else I’ll kill you or kill myself.”

This is a more apt analogy of whats actually going on.

Now, would you advise anyone to stay in this type of relationship? To not only stay, but chastise them for not taking the guilt on themselves, so the poor abuser need not feel it? Thats just what the abuser needs…more indulgence for their despicable behavior. And sympathy and (even MORE caring to boot)! Yes, all the guilt, all the blame is cast onto the victim in this crazy delusional exchange. If you stay. No one in their right mind would stay with such a personality disordered individual. They only reason they might stay as long as they do is because they can’t beleive this person is really that sick, they havn’t yet realized these types can not be reasoned with. They selfishly take everything, demand everything, take out their rage and disappointments on their loved ones, then blame it all on the victim. And demand sympathy for their abusive treatment. Its one of two things everytime: Poor me, I can’t control myself. Or..Damn you! You deserve the abuse! You make me so mad! I blame you! I’ll take you down if its the last thing I do! And blame you for it!
Its always a variant of those two reactions. Both very selfish responses. Never do they consider how they affect the other person. Its always, all about them. What they feel. There is no balance.

Ok I’ve been reading around a few of these forums and really trying to remain calm and peaceful (yes I am borderline and able to stay composed, shocking huh?) but I have to say that I am getting pretty sick and tired of nons trying to tell me what borderlines do and don’t think/feel. I’m getting SO sick of hearing over and over again that we “cannot accept any blame’ and that “we think they can do no wrong’. Oh and here’s a good one, we “can’t empathize and “just don’t care” about the people in our lives. You are just so way off the mark and it makes me sad that you would think that way. I get that you’ve all been hurt and so have developed a rather unfavorable view of us but you really need to stop trying to force this malicious intention on us that just isn’t there.
I’ve been suffering with BPD my whole life and believe me NOONE in this world is a harsher critic of myself than I am. The world is a terrifying place for us and although we may appear calm and in control on the surface, day to day functioning can be incredibly painful and overwhelming. To put it simply, the energy expended trying to live a normal life in the face of constant pain and self-consciousness is intense. It’s like trying to keep a lid on a pressure cooker, sooner or later it is gonna go. You keep a grasp of it for as long as you can and then you get home and shut the door and everything just bursts. I’m not excusing ANY form of abuse and “L” I disagree, I think people DO get too caught up in the diagnosis and ‘give BPDs a bad name. Your post is a classic example of this since I and many of the BPDs I know (which is a lot since I have been in therapy for many years) are not ‘abusers’, I am never and have never been physically abusive to anyone. That’s not ‘denying responsibility’ its simply a fact. I’m far from perfect and no one knows that better than me, I know that sometimes I may overreact to seemingly innocuous things that I perceive as threatening with verbal rage (although that said, I challenge any nons to stand there and say they’ve never lost their temperand later regretted it?) but the notion that “all BPDs are abusers’ is simply inaccurate and wildly unfair. I agree that borderlines have as much of a responsibility as anyone else to do everything in their power to treat people right and to make amends if and when they don’t. I myself try very hard every day to be conscientious and treat people right and yes often I fail, and in the moment I’ll deny it and try to shift blame from myself but that’s not because I’m evil or selfish but because I’m so cripplingly ashamed of myself and terrified that you will leave me and that’s the only way I know how (useless as I know it is) to cope. It doesn’t mean that in my heart I don’t know that I am in the wrong. I do. And I assure you I’m sorry and it hurts. It’s not that I don’t care about you or your feelings, it’s that I care SO much about what you think of me that I literally cannot bear to acknowledge the fact that I’ve done something to make you think badly of me. I know it, I know you know it, but there’s a certain safety in not voicing it. Dysfunctional? Yes. That’s why it’s called a mental ‘disorder’.
And ‘L’ I certainly am not under any illusions that things ‘should always go my way’ and my pain is not a big ‘tantrum’. I challenge you to live the life of a borderline for one day and then dismiss it as nothing more than a tantrum. There is absolutely no reprieve from the emotional turmoil that goes on inside a borderline’s mind. We may not always show it, on the contrary many of us have become fabulously adept at hiding it but it’s ALWAYS there. And it’s exhausting. Does it give us the right to a free pass to act as we wish without remorse? Of course not. But in most cases that simply is not what is happening and that is the core problem. You are misinterpreting our ‘blame shifting’ or ‘denials’ as evil manipulations when in fact they are desperate attempts to make you love us again. It’s the only way we know how. The bottom line is that borderlines are unwell, we just aren’t wired the way you are and whether you want to admit it or not, we are suffering more than you realise. You might hate me, but you will never hate me as much as I hate myself. I don’t behave the way I do because of spite or malice but out of a distorted perception of the world around me. Obviously if you choose not to get involved with one because of the difficulties you will face that is 100% your decision and I totally respect that but spewing hatred towards someone who’s actions are essentially all born out of an all-encompassing fear of being left alone is clearly not productive. You have all been hurt by borderlines and I genuinely sympathise. I’m sure it was terrible and it broke your heart but believe me you cannot imagine what’s going in our hearts either. And guess what. WE can’t walk away.

“you really need to stop trying to force this malicious intention on us that just isn’t there.”

Jaime, I do value your feelings and perspective. I come from a place of desiring deeper understanding, and promoting that understanding once its been reached for others. I’m always open to learning more. In fact, I come here hoping to find some new aspect or angle I wasn’t previously aware of that would add to my understanding. And I have (more on that later).

One thing that strikes me is that some people are posting with a defensive agenda. They post to bolster their feelings about themselves, and reject anything that challenges their preconceived comfortable notions about themselves and the way they behave. There have been times where I myself could be accused of venting, but all of my comments have been done with the intent to spread understanding. That is the main agenda I have, I confess. Those times where it may appear I’ve come close to venting were due to the seemingly impossible task of dealing with the ever present BPD Wall of Denial, which is as thick and rigid as a fortress of lead! But I have not yet given up trying to get people to see beyond their denial. I confess I have learned that it is useless, that denial and reality distortion will always be there, but I still have an ounce of hope despite what real world experience (countless other’s experiences and expert studies as well) have beared out…and that is that cluster B personality disorders will always be in denial, twist reality into the opposite, all to serve their own self-interests. I SHOULD give up my hope that BPD will snap out of denial, get out of their self-pity, self-centered bubble, and SEE that they are ABUSING others, or if you reject that word, continuously, actively behaving in a way that hurts and damages other people in their life. I should give up hope that this will ever change because my mother has taught me she won’t wake up and own her behavior. She refuses to see it for what it is. Minimizes and denies, rages, just as so many with BPD do before they crumble into self-pity. Because trying to get them to face their own behavior is like “Hell” to them. They refuse. But because she’s my mother is precisely why I haven’t just written her off and forgotten about her. If this were some other person treating me like this, yes I would leave, without giving them any further thought. Because she’s my mother I have had hope (no matter how unwarranted) and still try to give her a chance, still try to reason with her and get her to understand how she is abusive (so she can change that pattern). No, it never works. But because she is my mother I have always wanted to understand her and I do feel I finally have come to that understanding. I had to shed a lot of myths children have about their parents (we tend to idealize them, believe they have our best interests at heart, can do no wrong, etc). A BPD has their own moods and interests at heart, all the time. Children do not get in the way of that. Nothing does.
This is how you can have a mother who abuses everyday but doesn’t believe its abuse. Everyday she can smash dishes out of the blue at her children (because when the kids are the center of attention she resents it), then turn around and deny it and put of a smiley facade so no one would ever believe it. This is how a wife can visciously stab her husband in front of the children because she felt he wasn’t attentive enough with his facial features while he was listening to her. She felt that his listening and nodding weren’t sufficient, enraged (as per usual) she stabbed him instead of the usual dish throwing, this time it was a knife to the head. She was sitting directly across from at the dinner table. We kids got a first row seat to the maddness. Unfortunately, this incident is not an aberration…She abused and raged daily. Its just that she’d deny it, justify it to herself, minimize the hell out of it, and end up feeling great about herself in the end. It was everyone else who “made her” get angry. And thats how she filed it away in her mind. Her being merely angry. Never abusive. And she always felt justified in her actions. Always justified her extreme emotions. If she ever felt “bad” it was only in the form of self-pity. Which as we all know are feelings for herself. Never is remorse, regret, directed where it belonged…to her children, to her spouse, to whoever she behaved horribly toward. Any such feelings would promptly go to herself, and to an exaggerated degree. This is what denial does. It keeps the personality disorder person trapped in a bubble of their own making that tricks them into thinking what they do to others isn’t that bad. In fact, it distorts reality so badly, that they come away feeling they are the ones who got short changed. Their very blatant, pervasive pattern of maltreating others flys over their radar.

That is one of the main traits that we nons have such a difficult time with. I can take abuse, but the worst is the subsequent denial by the BPD of their own behavior. Behaviors which are often abusive, at the very least they are dysfunctional and destructive to others. In other words, these are not subtle behaviors one can just sweep under a carpet. They are blatant. Being met with nothing but denial after such obnoxious and obvious behavior is more damaging to the other person than the behavior itself.

I’ve read your commentary. What you’re saying encapsulated:
1. Anyone who describes their BPD’s behavior is filled with hate (it’s supposed to be the dirty little secret no one’s allowed to talk about and you’re a hateful, unloyal person for betraying your BPD).
2. You’re sick of hearing about your behavior and how it makes others feel
You’re sick of hearing that you can’t accept accountability or blame for your actions
3. You’ve never “physically” abused anyone (instead you call it “verbal rage over inoccuous matters” and try to convince us this pattern is no worse than a normal person’s rare and occassional raised voice over an important issue).
4. Your “Blame Shift” and Denials are not done to avoid accountability, nor to manipulate…Rather they are used out of LOVE. You love the one’s you hurt so much that you must deny what you did to them and angrily blame them for it in the hopes that they will see how much you love them. People just misinterpret you angry denials for manipulation when in fact it is an act of love!
5. No one understand how hard it is to be poor you. You have BPD. Its hell. You wish it upon others. Not out of vengence I’m sure, but so they will pity you appropriately. You deserve more pity than you are getting and are sad and angry you aren’t receiving it.

Jaimie, your attitude is typical. You’re minimizing and downplaying the BPD into palatable, inoccuous characteristics that everyone has. Hey, whats the difference between someone who yelled once or twice in their life versus a person who has a pattern of raging on the daily? There is a vast differrence between someone who raises their voice and someone who blows up in a rage. Most people don’t regularly feel rage. Some may have never felt rage. Anger, yes, but rage is something else entirely and it is highly abnormal if you’re no longer a toddler in the terrible twos. Rage is rare, and abnormal for people. It only comes about during highly abnormal situations in healthy people (such as war, rape, murder). A BPD will experience rage almost daily and the triggers are not the aforementioned atrocious things, but things like…the had the wrong size fork…their spouse forgot to take out the garbage…they didin’t receive the amount of attention they felt they deserved…
Please don’t minimize rage and abuse as mere anger that everyone experiences from time to time. Rage is abusive. It is definately not normal for adult human behavior. You wouldn’t try to equate patterns of rage and verbal abuse with a healthy person’s occassional yell (and believe it or not there ARE people who have never yelled) if you didin’t have BPD. That very comparison was manipulative. Come on.

I don’t know if its possible for a BPD to emerge from the denial and reality distortion bubble. But obviously I have faith, since I’m trying to get you to see what you’re saying. Realize that you are mimimizing, whitewashing the dysfunctional aspects of BPD that you possess. Even now, as evidenced by you post. Most of my comments have been directed to other nons to help us understand the crazy dynamic. But if a BPD can be made to see their own attitudes and behaviors for WHAT THEY ARE I consider that a good thing. I have loads of empathy for anyone with BPD. You may not believe it because I’m calling you out on your “sh**” but bringing light to the issue and waking people up to their own behaviors is exactly whats needed. And if indeed it is impossible for a BPD to really see themselves and own their behavior and see how it affects others, then my posts will help those who can be helped. Such as all the nons out there who have to live and deal with you and the problems you create, yet shuck responsability for. Contrary to your belief I don’t hate my mother. I’ve never hated anyone. Even when I was a little kid and was in the midst of being abused during one of her fits, I never hated her. My primary feeling was WHY WHY WHY is this happening? I’ll always care about my mother’s wellbeing, when she is sad I want to cheer her up, when she’s raging I just want her to be responsable for herself. Never does “hate” come into the equation. Not on my end. She however, does hate. Its a part of her personality disorder. The other side of the coin. She feels things in the extreme and takes no responsablilty for what comes forth from her. I don’t need to be “in her shoes” or psychic to know that she is filled with Hate when she’s red in the face, raging, and screaming “I Hate You!!” while smashing my precious breakable figurines one by one at the wall behind my face. I can see, feel, and hear her hate just fine, thank you. You don’t need to tell me I’m “guessing” and “misintpreting” and can’t possible understand what she’s feeling. A BPD will let you know what they’re feeling. It isn’t a mystery. That’s an understatement. The truth is they will drill it into you to such an extreme that it is, in fact, abusive.
I realize such a person will be enraged by that statement. But they are enraged by much. The truth needs to be faced. Ugly as it is. What are you afraid of? The people in your life confront you with the truth so that you’ll change for the better. Its for the the good of all. It is only your ego and need to think highly of yourself that gets in the way. You have to deny, manipulate, abuse, threaten suicide? in order to remain in this reaility distortion field where only your emotions and wants matter. Its very selfish. Its often abusive. Yet you’ll be the last to see that. In the end you’re family will leave you. If they stay they will be disassociated and distant, co-dependent people who have learnt to indulge your dysfunctional moods and behaviors for fear of triggering an all out rage attack.
Someone mocked “healthy” people for staying with a BPD and blaming them for all the damage their abuse caused. In the end, yes only the most co-dependent people will remain with a BPD individual. Healthy people will have the sense to leave after the pattern of abuse emerges. The problem I have with that criticism is that there are some who never “chose” to be in a relationship with a BPD. Never had a choice and never had the power to leave. That is the case with family. A child born to a BPD mother has no say or ability to leave for 18 years. A lot of abuse and damage can be done in that time, especially to a child, who is vulnerable, still developing, and completely and utterly dependent of the personality disorder parent. The child in such a situation has no choice, no resources, no ability to leave, no ability to grasp what is being done to them or why.
And this happens alot. BPD often have children. Who do you think raises them? What kind of life do you imagine these children have? I know a lot of spouses and romantic relationships have a hard time with their BPD partner, imagine how difficult it is for a helpless child with none of the know-how, resources, strength, or intelligence an adult has. The child did not choose this relationship, nor can they choose to leave it. Not for many, many years after much damaging dysfunction. There are many children trapped in this boat. With no choice and no ability, literally, to leave. Adults are another matter. They choose who they get into a relationship with, and can choose to leave it. It will be harder for someone to leave an awful marriage but it can be done. It will be hard, but possible. For children, it will not be possible, and it will be a hell they just have to live with. And in all cases, it is the abuser who is responsable for the abuse. I do not like reading how they are at fault for the abuse because they didn’t leave. The abuser is at fault for the abuse. The abuser is also responsable for the damage that abuse causes. The victims are responsible for their own behavior NOT the abuser’s. The victims are responsable for their own healing, and for leaving, if possible. Everyone is responsable for their own behavior. I shouldn’t have to spell that out. But obviously, in this crazy place of BPD blame shifting, it has to be done.
If you abuse someone YOU are responsable for your own actions, and the damage it inflicts on others. They are not responsable for the being damaged by you. You are to blame for what you did. Own it. The only thing your victims are responsible for are their own actions. Just like you–its our own actions we are each responsable for. Your responsable for your own rage, your own tantrums, the abuse you inflict on others, the damage you do to others. You are responsible for the damage that occurs in a relationship when you choose to deny your actions and blame the other person for your rage. YOU ARE RESPONSABLE. FOR. YOUR. BEHAVIOR.
When someone blames you for damaging them, it is well placed blame. Its accurate. Because they are holding you accountable for YOUR ACTIONS and the damage YOUR ACTIONS caused.
When you blame others for YOUR anger, YOUR abusive behaviors, it is misplaced. It is twisting things to the opposite of truth. YOU are responsable for YOUR BEHAVIORS. You are responsable for your rages and their affect on others.
Is the victim of your wrath supposed to be responsable for being damaged by you? NO. You are responsable for damaging them. What they are responsable for is leaving you, or seeking help for you so its no longer an abusive relationship. Do you get that every person is responsable for their own behavior yet? Do you get that being damaged was not a behavior choice of the victim, but the result of acts that YOU committed against them? I feel I’m spelling this out to a two year old. Its so simplistic and obvious. But I know the mind tricks BPD play. They’d try to play it as if its a two way street, where everyone has an equal share of the power and dysfunction. No, BPD have the monopoly there. They take healthy people are tear them down with drama and abuse. However, I will admit that if a person stays with an abusive BPD for the long term, than yes…they must also be dysfunctional. No healthy person would stay. Eventually, they would realize the extent of the other person’s selfish, abusive ways, and leave. If they weren’t dysfunctional prior to this relationship with a BPD, they certainly will be a couple years into it. You’d have to be extremely co-dependent and make many personal sacrafices that border on the insane in order to remain in a relationship like that. But again, none of that takes away from the fact that an abuser is responsible for abusing others. End of story.

L:
Just to be clear, I wasn’t aiming that entire post at you, and I certainly wasn’t suggesting that you hate your mother. I simply began writing and then later picked up on a few specific points from your post as it was the most recent. In fact I have been reading around this forum and have seen BPD’s called evil and hateful on many occasions. However I apologise if it seemed that I was accusing you personally of having made those statements as it wasn’t my intention.
Second of all, I am well aware of the nature of the abuser having lived my entire life with a father (non BPD) who was abusive and yet to this day has absolutely no idea that he has done anything wrong. I am also very well aware that abuse can by psychological as well as physical and in fact it was his emotional manipulation and abuse that left far deeper scars than anything else.
My point wasn’t that never having hit anyone didn’t mean you couldn’t be an abuser, it was simply that not every person with BPD can be accused of abuse. That is not an attempt to diminish your experiences, which I know nothing about, it is simply a plea for you not to tarnish us all with the same brush. Yes I can be difficult to live with at times, and yes sometimes I act in ways you don’t understand and say things which hurt you (don’t we all in moments of anger?) but I’m certainly not the raging monster that you describe. I’m sorry that your mother was that way but that isn’t true of all of us. I don’t ‘rage daily’ and the majority of my anger is directed inwardly at myself both physically and emotionally. Those who know me well would say that i’m oversensitive and perceive criticism and rejection when it wasn’t intended, and thus my default setting is defensive but they would not describe me as abusive to anyone but myself. In relationships I tend to jump before I’m pushed because I tend to assume you’re going to leave even when you’re not. That leaves us both wondering what the hell went wrong and we both suffer but it isn’t an abusive manipulation it’s just fear. So yes I DO get upset when I am written off as an abuser simply because I have BPD. You start talking in your post about wives stabbing their husbands as if every one of us has the potential to go around murdering people because we just don’t give a damn when in reality I can’t even bring myself to kill a spider. I also resent your statement that my family will either leave or stay because they are afraid. Neither is true. My mother, my grandparents and I have a very loving and healthy relationship and are a very tight unit. We all support each other through our various difficulties, just like those that all families face, of which my BPD is just one.
I too feel like I end up being repetitive because I have to keep reiterating that I’m not condoning abuse even at the hands of someone with BPD. I’m not suggesting that BPD is an excuse to behave as you wish without consequence. Sometimes I snap at people or say things I don’t mean. I’m not “whitewashing” or “downplaying” my actions, I just simply never exert aggression, even verbal, that is over or above the norm that you see in every day life. People have arguments, they say stupid things. The difference is that yes I have a hard time admitting fault in the heat of an argument. However I will always admit, apologise and discuss when calmer. That doesn’t make me selfish nor does it make me abusive. I spend hours of my life every week in therapy trying to learn new skills and techniques in order to function better in the world for both my benefit and for the benefit of those around me. And I’m not the only one, there are lots of us out there, getting all the help we can and trying to improve our lives and our day to day functioning. It’s just that you don’t hear about us on boards like these because this is where people come to vent about the BPD’s in their lives who are perhaps not being proactive enough in their recovery efforts (or perhaps even those who are trying but ultimately failing. It happens.) and assume that we are all crazy/evil/abusive/psycho/childish etc etc etc. (not your words L just to be clear, just words have seen repeated over and over again on this board)
I’m writing this and I realise how pointless it is, your experiences growing up have left you with a very definite idea of what a bpd person is like and nothing a stranger on the internet says is going to change that until you are able to open your eyes and realise that people with BPD, just like everyone else, are all different.

“Sometimes I snap at people or say things I don’t mean. I’m not “whitewashing” or “downplaying” my actions, I just simply never exert aggression, even verbal, that is over or above the norm that you see in every day life. People have arguments, they say stupid things. The difference is that yes I have a hard time admitting fault in the heat of an argument. However I will always admit, apologise and discuss when calmer. ”

“open your eyes and realise that people with BPD,are just like everyone else, are all different.”

“I have a very loving and healthy relationship and are a very tight unit. We all support each other ”

You say you’re “just like other families” and that you don’t express anger any differently from most people, asking “don’t we all hurt others in moments of anger?”

Forgive me for asking, but after reading your comments I have to ask, why then were you diagnosed with BPD if you aren’t doing anything beyond the norm? If you’re just like everyone else?

Jaime, you sure don’t sound like you have BPD. You are responsable, aware, have no anger issues (beyond the average person), and can apologise when you screw up. That sounds perfectly healthy. Perhaps you were misdiagnosed?