New BPD Survival Guide:
I am in the process of writing a new BPD Survival Guide and am looking for topics/chapter ideas. The idea behind this book is to help those living with a BPD partner cope with the tremendous stress and find the strength and wisdom to stop the abuse. If you have any stories or comments you would like featured in the book please reach out… tell@bpdsecrets.com
Are you in the combat zone? – Identifying borderline personality disorder in your relationship.
If you talk to somebody who has lived in the combat zone and you asked them “your relationship seemed so abusive and traumatic, how did you let yourself be abused and why didn’t you get out in the beginning?” chances are, no matter how smart the person is or how unlikely they seem to be the type of person to get into an abusive relationship, they will have an extremely difficult time answering this question. The fact of the matter is relationships with those who have borderline personality disorder start like any other relationship; things seem optimistic, fun and exciting at first. Combine that with the fact that nice people are often tricked into entering the combat zone by stories of the BPD’s past that make them feel sorry for the BPD.
If you are questioning whether or not your current relationship is in the combat zone with a BPD, no one can really give you a definitive yes or no. but for everyone reading this book questioning whether or not they are in the combat zone there are probably 10 others who know they are currently or were in the past “in the combat zone” with a BPD partner.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s hard enough to find someone to love you when you have BPD…WITHOUT a “Dont do it man!” book saying we’re evil. How about you write something helpful like a guide for BPDs on how to realize they’re doing some things wrong? That makes more sense.
How horrid! I never tricked anyone into anything! Not knowing that you're entering a relationship with BPD is one thing, but you can't blame the BPD if someone enters into a relationship because of sob stories! Anyone who enters into a relationship on those grounds is obviously a silly person.
Your book sounds absolutely ridiculous.
The fact of the matter is relationships with those who have borderline personality disorder start like any other relationship; things seem optimistic, fun and exciting at first. Combine that with the fact that nice people are often tricked into entering the combat zone by stories of the BPD’s past that make them feel sorry for the BPD.
Frankly, I'm somewhat tired of seeing yet another book about how loved ones can cope with living with a BPD. Are there not enough of those out there??? I am BPD and I would truly like to see a survival guide for how those of us who are BPD can cope with being who and what we are! There is still so little known about BPD, that it's hard enough to find a therapist who can work with us, but it's even harder to find information on how WE can deal with it and become a better person!
Now, I am not going to say that I never tricked someone into something; after all, manipulation is one of the biggest traits of BPD, and I have done my fair share and then some of manipulating people. What I want to see written is a "How To" book on true methods of how a BPD can recognize and stop those types of behaviors. I want to see something that tells the BPD that they aren't a hopeless psych case, destined to live with this horrible disorder until they die. I want to see something that teaches the BPD to take responsibility and accountability for their actions, words, behaviors and manipulations. I want to see something that honestly teaches a BPD to learn more respectful ways to treat others and even more, learn more respectful ways to treat themselves.
I will say that I have learned to take responsibility for my BPD, and I have learned to be accountable for my behaviors. I have learned not to project my feelings onto others and I no longer play the blame game. But it wasn't an easy path to get to where I am, and I still have a ways to go, but I am getting there and not turning back.
Come to think of it, maybe I should right the kind of book I'm talking about!
To the ladies that commented,
Here's the first chapter of a "how to" book for you:
Chapter 1
START WITH TELLING THE TRUTH
It’s hard enough to find someone to love you when you have BPD…WITHOUT a “Dont do it man!” book saying we’re evil. How about you write something helpful like a guide for BPDs on how to realize they’re doing some things wrong? That makes more sense.
Candy, the problem with that is the BPD's classic aversion to admitting fault. They think they aren't capable of wrongdoing. There can be no personal responsability without owning one's own actions. I'm sure the people in your life have told you, again and again, how you've hurt them. I'm sure they've tried to talk to you about how your behavior affects them. The problem is BPDs don't want to hear it. Instead they blame others for their behavior, get angry, fight with their loved ones. Trying to discuss with a BPD what they're doing wrong always results in the same vicious cycle: they don't want to hear it. They blow up, deny, project, blame, or dismiss the topic entirely. Why would a book help you when family and loved ones have been pleading with you to understand all your life?
1. If you scream and yell or break things….OWN UP TO IT. APOLOGIZE.
2. If you lie , manipulate, and decieve…..OWN UP TO IT. APOLOGIZE.
3. If you're sweetness and light in public, but throw tantrums and abuse at home…OWN UP TO THE FACT THAT YOU CONTROL YOUR BEHAVIOR, YOU CHOOSE TO ABUSE WHEN YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR, YOUR DECEPTION AND FOR FORCING YOUR FAMILY TO PLAY ALONG AND PRETEND EVERTHING IS NORMAL. THIS PUTS GREAT STRESS ON THEM. IT IS ONE MORE LAYER OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE.
Truth and personal integrity is what we want from you. Even if you commit the most heinous abuse, you go a long way in setting things right by admitting what you did. People can't forgive and forget if you're still actively hurting them. And If you're still lying or denying what you've done, YOU ARE STILL HURTING THEM. You can't behave outrageously and expect everyone to get over it if you're still pouring salt on their wounds. HINT: Lying, blaming, denying, and projecting with self-righteous rage after you've done something wrong really, really irks people! It really, really makes a bad situation worse.
People feel trapped in a vicious cycle with you because of that. It's not the emotional rollercoaster so much as the inability to admit fault, to accept accountability, to get real, that normal people find so intolerable about you. Because of that, you are a blackhole of dysfunction.
However, if you are capable of self-awareness, of accepting accountability for your behavior, and expressing remorse (instead of resentment, blame, denial) then THERE IS GREAT HOPE. Unfortunately, if you are BPD you don't have these qualities. Perhaps consistant therapy will help you there. If nothing else, you can learn to mimic these qualities and it will still go a long way in bettering your relations with others. It is not without hope if you have the desire and willpower to change.
Cheryl, if you have learned to get beyond projection, blame, denial and turned instead to personal responsability, it would be a valueable book indeed. You could cure BPD! Seriously, I would love to hear how you transitioned into this whole new way of operating. What was the process? And how do you now feel about the way you once behaved (I'm interested not so much in the emotional dysregulation, but in the lies, denials, and projections which follow a BPD outburst). It's as if the BPD wants everyone to pretend their words, rages, dramas never happened, even when it was so blatant and in your face obnoxious.
Example: In the past when you say, yelled and smashed a dish in a fit of rage at someone–why would you then deny you did it? Why would you try to justify it and deny it at the same time and further trash the person, verbally tearing them down instead of just admitting and apologising? Even if you're not sorry and don't apologize I can understand that. But why would you lie and deny you did it at all when we both know you did? This sort of thing makes people think the BPD person is evil and trying to gaslight their victim. In other words, purposely trying to drive them crazy. Purposely trying to destroy someone else's soul and psychological wellbeing. Or is it they just don't give a damn what the other person thinks, they have so little respect for us, they think we're stupid and just might believe the lie? What is your thinking in the moment of denial and projection?
If you can cure this aspect of BPD, you can cure abusers everywhere. Because that is the exact pattern abusers follow: abuse, pretend it never happened, deny, project, blame the victim. They say abusers can never change because they are stuck in this very cyle. If therapy helped you to evolve beyond this, I hope you'll share how that came to be. Important to understand.
I have BPD and have worked VERY hard in therapy to get better. I find your attitude very upsetting. People with BPD don’t realize what they are doing to other people. They are sick and need help not more abandonment.
I fostered child from a one night stand, i’m currently the target of a clear disstortion , it took over a year and half before i stumbled over this woman is 40yrs old and undiagnosed, its common knowledge her mother was in a mental institution for over 19yrs, the false accusations do not stop comming and are getting more serious as each day passes, lies and lies and lies never the truth , this woman has stripped me of all honor, integrity, pride i’m the person who can’t sleep, nor live life the way i used to, ythis woman with no conscious can keep on terrorizing me , i had to cut contact with my child, i need somone to talk to.
You people disgust me. I’m a girl in my late teens and I have recently discovered that I have BPD. I’m in a relationship that started off great but 4 months in started to go downhill, I act like a child, i treat people like crap, I am overly paranoid, I constantly want to be with my boyfriend, but I can also take responsibility for what I do to the people around me.
I can completely understand that after being in a relationship with someone who has BPD, you will develop an extreme view of people with this mental condition. We are not bad people. When I hurt my boyfriend I don’t realise I’m doing it, sometimes before I manipulate, blackmail, throw a tantrum, etc I even tell myself “No, don’t do that, that’s horrible”. 30 minutes later and I have literally lost control. Trying to regain that control is painful, often leaves me feeling desperate and results in a panic attack.
Everyone in my life has left me because of my psychological problems. My mum finds it hard to deal with and can’t put up with me anymore, her now ex husband left because he can’t deal with me, all my friends have left, my ex whom I was with for two years says i ruined his life and so forth.. I came onto this website to find a way to deal with my BPD, to find a way to relieve my boyfriends stress, to try to have a normal life, or as close to normal as it can really be but instead I find a bunch of hurt little boys. I understand your pain, you all have obviously been through hell but you can’t generalise a mental problem so diverse and unpredictable. Instead of wasting your time telling people that if they have BPD they’re nevergonna be better and telling their partners to leave them, why don’t you give an unbiased opinion?
Survival Guide for Those With BPD:
1- Stop feeling sorry for yourself
2- Act right
3- Repeat 1 and 2
You’re cured.
I thought a website like BPD secrets.com would have some insightful ways to try and work through my BPD, some ways to cope, to be able to try and live a good life.
Why are people so cruel to people who cant help whats wrong with them?
I don’t get it at all. I just wanted some advice because I don’t know what to do.
GET TO THERAPY. There is no amount of advice, no secret, or tidbit of info that will help you. BPD is a serious mental and psychological disorder which needs to be dealt with on that level. You cannot affect change like that from mere reading. No little tidbit of advice will cure that, though it may temporarily make you feel better about yourself. Healing this requires hard work in therapy. I say hard, because BPDs love to view themselves as disempowered victims, and loathe looking at themselves and their actions. You’re going to have to train yourself to get over that, and to be responsable for your behaviors and thinking, which is quite dysfunctional, and often abusive. But first you have to become AWARE of it. Aware of how you hurt others, not just yourself. There is a profound lack of awareness with this disorder. You get lost in your feelings and lose touch with the real world and how you affect everyone else. Much is lost to the person with BPD, but therapy can train you to become more aware. It can help shift your perspective and help you treat yourself and others in healthy ways. But this shift takes work. You can’t simply read something and expect your whole viewpoint in life to change. Change of this magnitude takes work. But it can be done. But you have to abandon the “poor me”, “I have no control” “It’s everyone elses fault” mentality and really look at reality and yourself. Learning to be responsable for our own unpleasant attributes is hard work indeed for a BPD. But therapy can help you to “get real.”
BPDsecrets is immensely helpful for those dealing with someone with BPD. It helps to pool teogether others experiences in order to understand this crazy making and frustrating disorder. Contrary to your stated belief, the people commenting here are not cruel to those with BPD…they are sharing their experiences of what the BPD in their lives have done to them. They’re sharing their experiences. And yes, the things BPD people do and say are quite cruel. But it is part of your disorder that you believe the people on the receiving end of this kind of maltreatment are the cruel ones and not the sick BPD who is actually doling out these behaviors to everyone else. Yes, it’s so cruel of everyone to mention the abuse and lies that gets thrown at them day in and day out. How dare they talk about it! Those poor abusers, should be able to rage, throw fits, verbally abuse, and do or say whatever they want to anyone they want, consequence free! Yes, let’s feel sorry for the ragers, the abusers, the ones who slap and smash things at other people. It’s the people on the receiving end of that horror that are the cruel ones! (That was sarcasm…for all you personality disordered lurkers who actually feel that way). It’s a testament to how sick in the head some people are that there are actually people out there that think like this. Once again, it’s the abuser’s modus operandi. Only they can abuse, and then have the gall to believe they are the victims. Their own viscious cruelty is lost on them. They have only resentment for their victims. Blackening them in their minds, to justify their own awful, dark, negative qualities.
Ria, instead of badmouthing everyone here and whining about people leaving you after you’ve mistreated them, why don’t you……change your behavior? I see you giving too much focus on everyone else as the source of your disatisfaction, when it should be laser focused directly at yourself. Unfortunately, that is what these cluster B personality types are all about. Blaming and venting at everyone else, never seeing what is obvious to everyone else– that they are the source of dysfunction. That the responsability for the mess lies with you. Yes, I know, you don’t believe you are at fault. Nothings your fault. It’s just the way you are. Everyone else needs to live with it. How dare they even talk about the things you inflict upon them. Those cruel, cruel people! They won’t take your abuse unquestioningly, unconditionally! How dare they! Poor, poor you!!!
……A good therapist will help you evolve beyond this kind of thinking. Then people won’t feel compelled to leave you, or more cruelly, express disatisfaction about being chronically maltreated by you.
There are actually books designed to aid a BPD’s guide to recovery. ‘A borderline’s guide to recovery’ is a good one. The DBT skills manual is also good, if you like reading 600+ pages. Both originated with recovered borderlines.
Honestly, BPD is a very difficult illness to treat – and I believe that many therapists and researchers have given up. Acting-out BPD’s are quite aggressive and prone to hostile behavior/avoidance of their therapists. Acting-in BPD’s have a very high suicide rate, which requires a support network (eg, 24 hour helpline) that most individuals can not provide. As a result, all of the (rather limited numbers) therapists I’ve found treating BPD are ‘cured’ BPDs.
My assessment is that BPD treatment requires significantly higher reimbursement rates than other mental health care. Given a choice between helping a sad person feel better, with a high success rate and being screamed at and lied to, with a high failure (suicide) rate, most sane therapists won’t treat BPDs.
On one hand, I sympathize with BPD sufferers. On the other hand, maintaining contact in spite of abusive behavior, without consequences, enables continued dysfunctional behaviors. My gut instinct is that BPD exhibiting poor behavior should experience natural consequences (shunning). Some will kill themselves, but some will experience enough pain and failure to seek treatment.
For BPD sufferers, I would suggest reading the above books and finding a good therapist and a DBT group (known to be effective). The key steps (that I remember) are: radical acceptance – accepting that you’re imperfect but not worthless, mindfulness – keeping your thoughts focused on the moment, and coping skills.
Hurt little boys? wow ria, I applaud you for being blatant. Ill bet you called your significant other a little boy too, further emasculating him so he feels so unworthy of love by anyone that he clings to the little scraps you throw him, huh? Well, interestingly enough, any non-BP on here is hurt. We are hurting because no matter how much love we show, we are constantly invalidated and thrown away. It slightly irks me that those of you on here that have BP are so against this book and the numerous books of the like. I think it is quite telling that you are incapable of seeing that the trauma you cause is so noteworthy that numerous books are coming out about it. It is important for people with this similar experience to get to talk to each other, and understand themselves, because it was this lack of understanding that allowed us to be with you in the first place. (exclude parent-child relation). When we finally see that we are not alone in living a life of stress both caused and perpetuated by your emotional selfishness, we (or I) feet liberated. I appreciate anyones effort to help themself if they are suffering from BPD, but I find it juvenile to call names (hurt little boys) and bash an author who obviously has a close connection with this issue.
I cannot believe that people with BPD are on here calling the non BPD’s mean and cruel. Are you kidding me? We should be rewarded for trying to make relationships work with people like you. I have been treated so badly by my BPD BF for the past 10 years that “I” want to commit suicide because he won’t leave me alone!!! He is completely insane and evil and he takes my pain, the pain he causes, as a total joke. If I could change the past, I would erase him from my life. I’m tired of him feeling sorry for himself, tired of supporting him, tired of his laziness, his abuse, his cold-hearted evil behavior. I’m tired of his jokes at my expense, his controlling ways, his give my everything or else attitude, and I’m tired of him telling me that he was abused as a child so it’s not his fault. It’s HIS fault! Being abused does not give you the right to abuse others. If you are disgusted of us who are only telling the truth, you are only really disgusted of yourself because these are “YOUR” truths!
It’s unbelievable, but right as I am typing this, my BPF BF walked into the room and accused me of cheating because I told him that I wanted some privacy. I can’t even take a shit by myself without being accused of something. How can you cheat on someone who you don’t even want to be with but refuses to leave you alone? How can a person cling on to another who does not want anything to do with them? And why have I been trying to break up with this man for NINE freaking years and he just – won’t – go?!!!! Why???
Yeah, I know.. I’m such a bitch! That’s my pet name by the way. SMDH
I get that all you non BPDs on here have been hurt and so have developed a rather unfavorable view of us and obviously that’s understandable but I really do get annoyed by being constantly told by you people that ‘I cannot accept any blame’ ‘I think I can do no wrong’. I’ve been suffering with BPD my whole life and believe me NOONE in this world is a harsher critic of myself than I am. The world is a terrifying place for us and day to day functioning can be incredibly painful and overwhelming. I know the way I treat people is wrong and I know that it’s my fault. But you really think insulting us is going to help? I try very hard to be conscientious and treat people right and yes often I fail and in the moment I’ll deny it and try to shift blame from myself but that’s only because I’m so cripplingly ashamed of myself and terrified that you will leave me and that’s the only way I know how (dysfunctional as I know it is) to cope. It doesn’t mean that in my heart I don’t know that I am in the wrong. I do. And it hurts. I’m not suggesting that there shouldn’t be books on how to deal with a borderline partner and I agree that there needs to be a forum for discussion and support for non borderlines but not at the expense of venting hatred upon people who at the bottom of it, are unwell and whether you want to admit it or not, are suffering more than you realise. You have all been hurt by borderlines and I genuinely sympathise, I’m sure it was terrible and it broke your heart but believe me you have no idea what’s going in our hearts either. And guess what. WE can’t walk away.
It’s humorous really. The BPDs conversations vs. the NON BPD’s
no one will ever know what it is that you think, the way you feel, or how you process/interpret information without actually being YOU. Anyone else outside of you can try to understand and try to be patient, offer you tips on behavior or what they think might work or decide that it’s not for them.
For one person to tell another person “fix it” or “these are the steps TAH DAH you’re cured” might work for you, but definitely doesn’t for me. Can a person logically and rationally think this person is “CHOOSING” to be this way? I don’t wake up in the morning and tell myself, I can’t wait to blow up in a fit of rage over xyz today! Or, I can’t wait to make the person I love miserable!
I have not been diagnosed but reading articles I find a lot of similarities to the disorder. I don’t deny my behavior. I am 1000% aware and that makes it even m0re frustrating.
I want nothing more in this world than to have some sort of stable ground, something I can place my feet on and not feel shaky at every minute of the day. I love the man that I am with but I know if this behavior continues I cannot expect him to stay. Everyone has boundaries. I wish luck to everyone, those that are suffering and those that are affected by the suffering.
I’ll take a hunch and say.. if it were as easy as 123….fixed! then there would not be people suffering from disorders in this world.
Look, for those of you with BPD who are reading this and are having a defensive episode:
What you should take from this is- get help to have a healthy relationship, because you will not have one otherwise.
And, you should be happy that there are books to tell non-BPDs how to cope with the BPD they love. If they are buying the book they are trying to find a way to STAY with their BPD. Which is not possible without some kind of help.
Don’t get mad at non-BPDs for venting here. Most of us don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. Sometimes we need to vent the hate that’s building inside us, so we don’t project that onto our BPDs. We’re hurting and alone, just like you…sometimes so much worse. A lot of us completely lose everything to keep our BPD, so give us a little slack here. We don’t get it at home from our BPDs. And most of give our BPDs a lot of slack, until we break.
I would never get mad at a non for venting or getting frustrated and I am glad that there are support outlets for you as I commend you for you your commitment to a BPD partner. I know it’s not easy and many wouldn’t so thank you. However I do get upset reading the outright insults getting hurled around and at being told that we are all evil and disgusting etc etc etc. I am not physically abusive to anyone but I know I can hurt people with my words and I know that my bouts of depression can be very hard on those who care about me. But you know what, when I try and project or deny things in the heat of the moment its because I care SO much about what you think of me that in my twisted logic I will do anything I can not to damage that. Obviously it doesn’t work but that’s why is called a ‘disorder’. My actions are always born of desperation and not malice. I AM in treatment, I am 100% aware and I am doing everything in my power to get better and I beat myself up about more than anyone else in the world. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. FYI Linda, whilst I do sympathize completely as your situation sounds intolerable, please do not tar us all with the same brush. Most borderlines I know take absolutely no pleasure from hurting those they care about and certainly do NOT see it as a joke. Borderline is never a joke. To be entirely hoenst your boyfriend sounds more like a sociopath than anything else
To linda I have the same feelings as u, as my bf is an undiagnosed bpd. He is injail now but he is the same way, he has very intense abandonment issues, and you have to remember it is part of the disorder. The persons emotions are so strong they cannot function so they take it out on us. I have been dealing with his symptoms of this disorder for 7 years. Right now the best thing for me to do is walk away from the relationship and move on with my life, it is also I think good for both of us him as well. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is walk away, but it might the best thing u can for this person, because this personneeds help and u do not want to resent them for what they have done to and let it turn to hate, which is something u donot want to live with, because living with hate and resentments is toxic for u and him!
As a person with BPD, the hardest thing IS taking responsibility and blame. I feel like a scared, lost child and I want someone to take care of me and pay attention to me. I hate limits and I am scared to death to know that I have to live life by myself with noone to cling to. When I am told that I hurt others and am responsible, I feel enraged and the victim in me says, “They have no idea what I went through”. Yet, I know you are right. As much as it hurts to be told I’m feeling sorry for myself, and as angry as I feel. I know you are right. I feel hatred and rage at everyone. I feel evil. I am in intense pain and I want everyone else to suffer. It is hard to trust and I accuse others of things because I feel that they will betray me. I whine all of the time and ask, “Why me”? I want my way all of the time and pitch fits and rages when I cannot. I hate any type of boundaries and push away love. Th hardest part is realizing that it is up to me to fix it all. It seems so overwhelming that I feel despair.
It really hard to be emotionally stunted at the age of a young child. I was raped by my father and then told to be quiet about it. I was not allowed to feel my rage without losing a relationship with a caretaker. No matter what he did he was my father. I was not allowed to express my rage without the threat of the loss of the most important of life’s relationships. Try to imagine telling a young child who just experienced rape to “just stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are evil, you hurt others. I still feel emotionally like the little child who cannot except responsibility for being bad, who has tremendous guilt and acts like the child victim still. I was abandoned in all of that pain. I am still looking for the parent to take care of me and it hurts that I cant find one. I want to blame when I do bad things and, like a child, feel that everything can be made alright with a simple, “I’m sorry”, but also the victim in me feels enraged because I did not cause these problems and it is not fair to have to deal with all of this. I hurt.
Ria,
I think you are very courageous confronting your issues. Being diagnosed with BPD is a very difficult thing to face. You should be proud of yourself.
My wife is slowly owning up to her behavior. It took forever for me to realize that she really didn’t understand that she was being destructive, manipulative, etc. It was ‘normal’ for her.
A few years ago I used to tell her she was probably BPD (after convos with counselors and a shrink at law school who described case studies which described her to a T.) That was completely ineffective. Now I just listen to her talk about her feelings and point out logical inconsistencies in a non-threatening manner and with empathy for what she went through. Not sure if this is the right thing to do but progress has been remarkable. Rages are more like rants. The lying has dropped off significantly whenever I am able to verify things. The emotional seesaw has moderated. The home is much more organized and orderly and she is finally respecting the organization and seeing its benefit rather than seeing them as ‘attempts to control her.’ Last night was the first time I mentioned BPD and it was with a lot of ‘I could be wrong’ and ‘this is probably nothing’ kind of remarks with respect to emotional distance. I am optimistic she is going to go see a shrink. Feels like she is ready for a change.
I feel like managing her behavior is sort of systemized now. It took forever and was exhausting. But I feel like I can finally focus on my career and my son rather than her and her drama. The last year was learning how to be a good parent to my son – in the context of household chaos. Difficult. But it has gotten better.
I have bpd. It hurts to hear that I am a monster. Though I now know that I am this horrible monster. Yes, I have illness that makes me act this way. Everyone is right though, take responsibility for your actions. I have abused my husband so much that I don’t know if I can ever get him back. It is going to take a long time for me to get better because even though I’m trying my hardest I still mess up. He is trying to understand this disorder but he hurts so much it’s hard for him to even want to try. This is the only person I know I have ever truly loved and I destroyed him. I didn’t mean to but I did. We hurt those we love because we hurt. That’s not right. The only way to get better is to understand that you do hurt people, want to get better, do therapy, and maybe be on medication if need be.
Linda, After many years of being married to a BPD, I finally divorced him. But the sad thing, is that my teenager has the same genetic/behavioral tendancy and so now, what does a person do? I feel for people on both sides of the fence. I just wish that there is a lot of enabling that goes on by therapist and professionals, which doesn’t help because they are so afraid of the “acting out” and the “acting in”….
I have been married to a BPD for 12 years, and although it has been a difficult relationship, I still love her very much and she has the capacity to be a most wonderful woman. However the chronic BPD episodes have had a hard toll on others and I am about all she has left, save a couple of close family members who agree with me that the symptoms are all too obvious to be overlooked. I want to give thanks to all with input here because I am at the end of my rope and struggling to find a way to stay and seek support for her. Of course, BPDs rarely can diagnose themselves, nor do I feel qualified to do same. It has only been through my commitment and love for her that I found the strength to examine my own issues and confront the feelings and recurring episodes of abandonment and drama that have plagued our relationship for years. Your sharing of experiences have been very healing for me, it is good to finally know there is hope and others who are affected by this intense condition.
I was not tricked into the relationship by the sob stories, but the stories she told may not have been true in the first place. My soon to be x wife would change stories on me all the time so I never knew what was real and what was made up.
When we were dating she presented to be the perfect person for me. She said everything I wanted to hear. It was not until I had to leave for work for an extended period of time that the BPD showed it ugly head. The only way I am quite positive that she has bpd is because I have a friend who is on medication and sees a counselor for BPD and she at some point in time informed me that my x had BPD too because she does exactly what my friend use to do.
I can honestly say that for me if someone who had BPD was working on themselves and improving themselves I have no issue with trying a relationship. There are so many people out there with issues that if someone is making the effort to better themselves I look at that as a positive factor and not a negative. If you know there is an issue do what you can to fix it by all means. There are entirely too many people who will not seek help; my x is one of them. She is a Scientologist and they do not believe in therapy so they will not seek help and there is certain duplicity to that religion anyway.
There is one other thing that bothers me about my x, and that is our daughter is currently living with her. When we were together my daughter at least had me for stability and I took care of her most of the time. Now the issue is that I am unable to make sure she is ok and getting the love and care she requires because my x is very selfish and did not care about her all that much when we were together. My fear is that type of behavior is continuing and there is nothing I can do about it right now. There are many instances that I can refer to that make me believe that I am right, that is not warranted at this point though.
I am a 31 year old mother of two that was diagnosed with BPD in 2002. I have attempted suicide and been hospitalized for self injury. I received counseling and have been self injury free for six years. I considered myself a recovered borderline. My most recent relationship was with a person who was also mentally ill but is undiagnosed and untreated. Throughout this relationship we experienced many ups and downs and a lack of communication. I see in this blog that not only do many of the significant others blame all the problems on the borderline they are actually taking their anger out on strangers with the same disorder. To yell at someone on here because you think that they are the same person as the borderline that you encountered is preposterous. I am not defending my or anyone else in their actions but it needs to be said that all relationships are a two way street and if you feel you were manipulated into a relationship with a borderline and obviously hold resentment than leave. Because if you as the “normal” person are unwilling to admit the idea that you haven’t made any mistakes then maybe you should read the narcissistic personality disorder section of a psychology book and self diagnose. Did any of you know that a lot of borderlines pair with people that are narcissistic? I know that many of you will retaliate and claim that I am just another borderline complaining about how the world doesn’t revolve around me and that’s fine because in my opinion the one’s that are that angry and resentful are only inhibiting the borderline from healing. I am appalled at the fact that a young girl comes here to look for help and is chastised! What if that was your daughter or sister? You people wonder why borderlines don’t ask for help if you answer like that why would we. It is sickening that most of you would be more supportive of and an addict than a borderline. As someone who has battled this for ten years I am proud of the person I am and my past mistakes helped me become that. Thanks Derf for the reading suggestions that’s the only useful information I got out of this blog. Grow up people.
Hi BPDSecrets,
I am the founder of another BPD Site, http://www.bpdireland.org, and I have no problem in admitting I have BPD, and that I was diagnosed in 2006 or for that matter being honest about my behaviour, as some of the replies have suggested people with BPD are not.
On our site, we welcome both BPs and non-BPs, that is our site is inclusive, just check our homepage. The problem here, imho, was the type of book you planned on writing. As you stated yourself:
“The fact of the matter is relationships with those who have borderline personality disorder start like any other relationship; things seem optimistic, fun and exciting at first. Combine that with the fact that nice people are often tricked into entering the combat zone by stories of the BPD’s past that make them feel sorry for the BPD.”
As I said, I will be honest, because as a person with BPD, I dont believe I have anything to hide. This would seem a very slanted view, and it would further suggest that ALL relationships with BPs are exactly the same, which as you know, is stereotyping. However, to be fair, SOME BPs that have replied here, dont do themselves any favours in discouraging this stereotype by responding in an emotional manner. Having said that, once you understand BPD, then you understand that at times SOME BPs have difficulty regulating their emotions, and it doesnt take much (such as the comments you have made) to provoke such a reaction, and it is an emotional reaction to your words, and not a response.
Certainly, there will always be a “victim” market for those that do not want to accept responsibility for their own actions, and your “Survival” Guide, might just provide such a excuse if you convince them firstly that they are not responsible for their own actions and therefore they have been victims,afterall it is easier to blame someone else or believe you were “tricked”(manipulated) into a relationship with that person, particularly someone as emotionally vulnerable as someone with a mental illness, as BPD is, than admit your own responsibilty.
As an administrator of a BPD site, who speaks to both BPs and non-BPs, I have seen the story from both sides of the fence, and I have tried to be open, honest and inclusive. In fact I am working with a Consultant Psychiatrist at the mo, to bring out a booklet on BPd for both newly diagnosed patients as well as their families./friends, partners, ex-partners, or anybody that needs information about BPD, and not once do we mention blame in the booklet.
I think if you want to produce any kind of Guide, then perhaps it should be fair, and balanced. Having said that I have absolutely no animosity towards you and I wish you the best of luck.
Regds,
Patrick
Yes, Michelle. Its well known that the only types who actually stay with Borderlines tend to be Narcissists. It takes a sick person to willingly stay in a toxic relationship. That’s why you hear from all the people who’ve left their borderline. Healthy people don’t tolerate this sort of behavior. Sorry. If you don’t want to hear complaints, then take up with a Narcissist. They are the types that will work best for you long term. They are superficial, shallow, and needy. They won’t care how abusive or dysfunctional you are behind closed doors, so long as you provide an outward status of normalcy in public. Even the status of being married, is more important to them than the quality of your relationship. Their ego is grand, but their feelings are shallow so they will not be hurt or damaged like a normal person would by a borderlines abusive outbursts. Narcissists are also toxic, needy, and in denial of their dysfunction. Together you make a lasing pair, since neither of you will hold each other accountable and both of you live in denial. The narcissist will not seriously ask you to get healthy, and will never do the responsible kind thing such as seek therapy, intervention, or call the police if warranted because that wouldn’t “look” good. They will pretend away any dysfunction as quickly as a BPD would because they don’t want to think anything is wrong with their image (and you as their significant other is a huge reflection of their image). Difficulties will be swept under the rug, denied, instead of being addressed. Narcissist/BPDs make a great pair, they each enable the worst patterns in each other, and it will just go on and on and on…because neither is willing to leave (too needy, too codenpendent) despite having zero respect or love for each other.
So yes, you will often see a BPD/Narcssist pairing. Those are the types that stay together. But anyone could enter into a relationship with a borderline. Especially initially, when the BPD is showing their best side. Initially a normal person would be under the false hope that the dysfunctional episodes they witness are simply isolated incidents. But once they see that’s not the case, that in fact the dysfunction is a pattern–and the person’s actual personality…they leave. That is why you hear the complaints from people here who’ve left a relationship with a BPD. For a healthy person, the toxic, impossible relations with a BPD impose quite a toll. What they are describing is an abusive relationship. Only someone in denial, and personality disordered, would fail to see it for what it is. This is not an “it takes two” scenario. This is a one sided relationship where one of the people is abusive, toxic, dysfunctional, in denial. No matter what the healthy person does, no matter how much they give, it will never be enough to get you to stop treating them with such volatility. It is draining and abusive on the healthy person. A relationship with an personality disordered person can depress a healthy person, it can make a healthy person wither, withdraw, alter their personality. That is why they complain, and ultimately leave. But if you want a relationship with someone who will happily keep your dysfunction a secret, and won’t be harmed by your antics–just take up with a Narcissist. No matter how much you fight, at the end of the day this type won’t be seriously damaged by you. You can’t hurt them. You can’t change them. And they in turn will enable you. The price is continued dysfunction and a relationship without respect or love, BUT the reward is a partner who will never leave you, someone who will cover up and deny your dysfunction as well as their own, and will work hard on your public image. This will be the black/white relationship: Good in public, Awful behind closed doors, but mutually enabling into perpetuity. This is why you see so many BPD/Narcissist pairings. They work well together. Their needs mesh cohesively.
Its just unfortunate that since these two types tend to stay together long term, they often become parents. The way the treat their children will create future generations of dysfunction. Imagine being raised in an upside down environment, where the parents needs are primary (not the children’s) and neverending. Where the children console and placate parents who cry, throw tantrums, demand attention. Role reversal. Its particulary horrible to be a child under a roof where one parent is a Narcissist and the other is a BPD because there is NO ONE the child can go to for help. The parents due to their personality think they each are never wrong, and enable each others toxic ways. If one parent abuses a child, the other parent will look the other way. The BPD/Narcissist pairing is very well known. Happens all the time. Only another personality disordered, damaged person would stay with an unreformed BPD long term. No one else would be able to tolerate the abuse! But narcissist have wonderful powers of denial of their own, and don’t really care what goes on in private, so long as their public image remains intact. Therefore, these two make a perfect pairing. Both are needy, immature, in denial will never leave each other, never require the other to get healthy. Very common pairing.
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