My husband has Borderline Personality Disorder – BPD and Projection
Dear BPD Secrets. Tell@bpdsecrets.com
My husband has Borderline Personality Disorder and I was hoping to tell my story and get some input from others in a similar situation husband has Borderline Personality Disorder I have been married to him for 8 years and we have know each other for 10 years. In the beginning of our relationship he was the perfect guy but then within a year it started to get tough. Whenever he gets stressed he blames me for his problems and rather work through them he pushes me away. He has an affair a few years ago and when I caught him he vowed to change his ways, things were great for about 4 months then he started yelling, drinking and staying out late again. My husband has Borderline Personality Disorder but I'm starting to feel like the one going crazy because every time I try and confront him on his behavior he turns things around on me and makes me feel guilty. I did some research and I believe this behavior is called "projection" does anyone out there experience the same issues with BPD and Projection? When he had the affair and was caught he said it did not matter because I was cheating. He told our friends and family I was the one cheating and it was like he took everything that he did and made it me instead of him.
Anyone have that happen to them?
Regan P.
"My husband has Borderline Personality Disorder – BPD and Projection"
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Welcome to my world minus the affair. It is so hard, but something to be a spouse of a BPD sufferer you must live with. Make him get help or leave because YES- you will go crazy if things go on this way.
I am pretty sure my boyfriend has BPD and I am going crazy. What you have described is just a small part of a bigger picture.
I know if he doesn't change I am not staying with him. And thank god I am not married to him. I love him but I can't live like that and be married to somebody like him (at least like him right now).
You should leave because if he has not changed in 10 years, he will never change. I know it is hard. I have been in a relationship with a BPD man for 1.5 years and it is hard to leave and I love and care about him. But I am going insane and I am not myself any more, I have lost my hobbies and friendship, I am loosing my career over him now. If he doesn't get help I know I will leave because my life is getting destroyed.
Get help for yourself as there is nothing you can do for him. You cant fix or change him. Set up really firm boundaries and stick to them. Focus on you and take very good care of yourself. The longer it goes on the more insane it can get and you will lose your mind if you dont take steps to protect yourself, legally financially etc. His behavior is typical of a borderline, he is only doing what they do best so do yourself a favor learn all you can about this disorder and protect yourself. They will ruin your life if you allow this to continue. My husband has this disorder also and its been a nightmare for the 4 years weve been married. Very few ever get help on their own accord (they dont think they have a problem,it's everyone else) and if they do they seldom stick around to complete the treatment for the duration it may take for them to get well. Core issues stem from childhood trauma connected to mom abandonment issues which is the central theme of their problem. You will be worn down tired and sick putting up with them. You can turn this around only by turning "YOU" around and heading in a direction that is self focused and off of them. They are very manipulative and convincing and people tend to believe them but sooner or later it catches up with them as the trail of debris gets longer and longer it becomes more harder to hide. Its not unusual for them to have multiple relationships or marriages. When they leave you they eventually move on to the next victim, sad but true!
Try bpdfamily.com. A wonderful source of all things Borderline for those who live with someone with the disoder. The site provdes a number of different boards. My husband is an undiagnosed borderline whom I have been living with for 37 years!! It never gets better. Try out the site. It will provide you with people to talk to and wonderful information.
Dorothy
My husband has bpd. I’m still with him only because I have learned to disengage myself from him. I wouldn’t say we live separate lives, exactly, but we don’t share intimacy, either. Men with bpd are capable of a sexual relationship, but they are not capable of an intimate, sharing, loving, giving, enjoyable, safe, friendly relationship. They aren’t programmed that way due to their often traumatic, turbulant, emotionally and possibly physically violent childhoods. I could go on and on about bpd, but the bottom line is you didn’t cause it , you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Sadly, it will always be with him. He’s not capable of normal discussions, and you can’t reason with him because he thinks everything you say is an attack on him. That’s why he puts everything on you. He’s getting back at you for hurting him. He’s emotionally crippled, no different than someone who can’t walk, your husband can’t apply healthy emotions and thoughts to a given situation. These men are just not relationship material. Period. I will say, though, that as my husband has gotten older, he has started to slow down. Meaning, the raging is less, the sarcasams and degrading comments are still there, but not with the same umph. He’s getting old and tired. Yea! But I still have my days when I can’t believe I live with such a sick man, but then I think of God’s goodness in my pain, and I have to smile, only because I feel God knows what he’s doing with my marriage, and he will deliver me from it in his own way in his own time. Hope this helps. Take care and God Bless.
I broke up with my BPDexbf several months ago and it was the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life. When the breakup first begins you feel like you can drown in the amount of crying, grieving and mourning but after a while you start to feel like life is worth living again.
Being with my ex initially felt exhilarating but after a while he became the most neediest blood sucking entitled parasite and I thought I would end up slitting my own wrists to his never ending needs of food, sex, money and time. Bottomless pit of need is a perfect description.
And to boot he was a cheater and had zero loyalty.
I think the most important thing to do in these relationships is to give ourselves a wake up call. They simply aren’t worth the time or aggravation. And f*ck love if it means being a disposable doormat. They actually end up having more respect for you when you stand up to them. We always talk about how much we love them and our guilt but they could give a rat’s asshole about us or our needs for they are selfish to the bone.
I dumped my ex by text and when he harrassed me I called the cops and got a restraining order. It’s best to serve it to them cold. When I think about all the crap he put me through and how I jumped through a circus ring on fire to keep his ass happy I really don’t care about their disorder. Why should we care and they don’t? Most of them don’t get help or even admit they have a problem; even after numerous volatile relationships, vicious breakups and them getting dump its really hard to believe they don’t have a fucking clue that they are the common denominator.
My advice to anyone is to not take their shit; in the end they’ll respect you more. And trust me. You want their respect more than you’ll want their “version” of love.
I have no idea where to begin. The biggest question I have, right now, is “Do I stay or do I go”?
I have been married to my husband for 6 years and I should have seen it CLEARLY before we even got married. It started, prior to the marriage, with accusations of me cheating and him wanting a prenuptual agreement because “you’re not going to take my shit when you leave”. I have been nothing but good to him. I feel like I have been a good wife. I have not, however, been good to myself. I have lost hobbies/interests, friends, jobs, family relationships, etc.
I left once and he has wormed his way back into my life. Hindsight is 20/20 because my life was close to heaven after I left. Even though I didn’t have the friends I once had or the job that I loved and I was mostly alone, it was better than being alone and living with him. He continues to call the friends I have left and berate them about my “cheating behavior” (which is unfounded), he has called my boss and produced a bunch of untruthful garbage (trying to get me fired), he has changed my phone number and limited my contact with others, he constantly cusses at me and threatens me with lawsuits and other unjustifiable actions, he tells me he’s leaving and never does or comes back within 30 minutes, he throws “our possessions” (wedding rings, pictures, etc) in the cats’ litter boxes, he deliberately creates trash and just throws it in the floor, he ashes in the floor, he spits in the floor, he puts clean dishes in the sink to be washed, he leaves and says he is going to get something for dinner only to come back and cuss me out because I have eaten and he is hungry because he never went to eat. He berates and bullies with the foulest, most vulgar diatribe I have ever heard spewed from a human being and the list just continues for many more characters than I’m sure are held within this text.
I cannot go 30 seconds without incessant ranting, raving, calling, texting, accusations, etc. I cannot go see family, where he is now unwelcome, in peace. I can’t go to work in peace. I can’t go out in public in peace. Really, my life consists of eating, sleeping (when he allows), breathing nothing but trying to please him… which is damn near impossible because the “requirements” are ever changing.
He saw a therapist, for awhile, but only to appease others. He is so intelligent that he knew exactly how to act and what to say to snow this therapist into thinking that he was completely fine and that it must be everyone else with the problem. So, right back to square one.
I’m sure anyone living with a BPD spouse knows the situation all too well, and I am sorry for anyone who is living like this. I am not sorry for anyone who has lived like this and gotten out because I applaud you for having enough sense of self worth to take care of you and remove yourself from it.
I need some words of advise, from those who are there or have been there, on what I should do or think about doing. One one hand, I want to get the hell away from this “emotional vampire” who has done nothing but break me down and alienate me from everything I have known and enjoyed. On the other hand, I know that he cannot help it because he simply doesn’t recognize it. How can i justify leaving someone who has a legitimate problem and be okay with that? Please, you don’t have to tell me WHAT to do, just some words of advise from someone who has been there.
Dear BPD wife,
I feel your pain, believe me, I do! 20 years of marriage to a BPD husband and he walked out on the kids and I, 4 months ago. Didn’t see it coming. No merit to it. Took all the money, both vehicles and has sent nothing since he has been gone. Hasn’t even called the kids. These people are monsters and their whole goal in life is to take what they want and use who they need to for survival. They suffer miserably inside their fake shells of grandeur. I have put up with it all, and I mean all from Terry. I made a huge mistake by hiding his diagnosis from the world and pretending to live a happy life, so if you are doing that, you have to stop. It gets worse until either they break and get help or you suffer an entire lifetime from selfish, evil hands. My husband Terry has had affairs, Hawaiian vacations with other women, stolen my wedding ring and put it on anothers hand and proposed marriage on a beach, (yes while married to me)lies about everything and talks himself up like crazy, degrades me and the kids, has no personal friends, his family has nothing to do with him, revenge is the name of his game, spends money radically, in fact has filed bankruptsy twice because of his crazy spending habits, has lost many jobs because of arrogance, steals and hides things then blames it on one of us, eveyone he has EVER worked with is stupid- just so you know, is always the drunk guy with the lampshade on his head at parties…or whenever the mood strikes, addicted to porn and affairs, kept all the money from me as I wasn’t allowed on the account and he insisted I be a stay at home mom…the list goes on and on and it never gets nicer. I know my husbands diagnosis, prognosis in life if he doesn’t submit to therapy and after dropping out of insisted therapy after a year, (when I found out about the women) he’s back at his top game of crap. Unlike your husband, Terry never had a vicious temper that he threw things but he bottled it up inside, pointed his finger and would break my things secretly. He is very sly. Revenge for asking him to mow the lawn when he didnt want to and I couldnt at 8 months pregnant, justifiable revenge. I’m telling you these people cannot function in society. Prisons are full of them. Headlines are full of them. I love mine with all my heart despite the monster inside of him because I recognize the illness BUT I know there is no peace in life when we choose to have a BPD a part of it, they cause too much stress and drama so your life is your choice. Stay with your BPD husband and suffer or leave and find peace. Let me tell you, I have Fibromyalgia so bad that I am on disability right now. Stress is a killer. Mine walked out 10 years ago and filed divorce then too but begged to come back 3 weeks later. Threatens to commit suicide whenever he gets caught to assure I will forgive him. I don’t know if he is really suicidal but I would hate to find out regardless of his behavior. THIS is how I have decided to handle my current situation: Terry hasn’t asked to come back. When he left this time and filed divorce, he mailed the papers to me to sign an uncontested- one sided-give up everything and walk away divorce papers. I borrowed money and retained a good lawyer! I know he is livid over it, hates me with his very own black passion but I refuse to play anymoe games! I’m 46 and tired! Malice is his flavor of the day and he has been doing some very underhanded and creepy things during our journey through the courts. I want him to recover but I cannot make him and either can you make your husband recover. This really is up to them to take the steps needed to get healthy. Usually the only way they will do that is if they are broken. No where to turn and have lost everything and everyone in their lives. It takes a real wake up call.We have to take the steps to protect our kids and ourselves, whatever that may be. Our kids are about grown now but they shouldn’t of had to go through the garbage they have gone through so if you have children, remove them from this person right now. That is the one thing I wish I could do over, especially. Now, 20 years later, no career and on disability, I have no idea which way to turn to begin again. I know the kids and I have a lot of healing to do and I thank God almighty for my curch and church friends. (Terry claims to be a Christian…I don’t even know about that one) I do know we will survive this. I do know that one day, Terry may pop up wanting to return and I do know that if and when he does, he will not come back into my home until he recovers. I will support him through the recovery time because I love him and want him well but he will not move back in and resume anything with me, not for a long, long time. I believe with all my heart that God can heal anything, I also believe that God makes people go through tough times in order to heal and healing is where my family is right now. I hope you find the strength to do what you have to do in your marriage so that 20 years down the road, you aren’t suffering needlessly.
BPD Wife, I live exactly as you do except that I have 6 kids. Whenever I try to avoid the craziness that BPD BF wants to cause, he just finds one or more of the kids and picks on them. In trying to defend them I lose my temper and get involved in the biggest fights with him. I can’t take it anymore though. I feel like I’m the crazy one and sometimes do not want to live anymore. He causes me so much emotional pain and stress, I don’t even know what to do with myself. I grew up in a crazy household and swore that I would give my kids a better life, but this man is just ruining our lives and he won’t leave. He refuses to. He says that he has no money and nowhere to go, so I have to wait until someone can help him out. Many years have passed and this is always his excuse.
He’s too good to work and take the bus and he doesn’t contribute a dime to this household of 8. We have a car but it is on repo status because I have so many bills that I have to pay by myself while he just sits there and blames me for all of the hard times we have to go through. I support this household 100% and anytime there is no money for something, he says it’s my fault for not taking my daughter’s biological father to child support. Mind you, her father does pay child support… Not as much as he should, but he does help nonetheless. The one who doesn’t give anything is my BPD BF but he does feel entitled to EVERYTHING!!!!!
I really feel like I want to admit myself in to a mental hospital because he is taking me to the point of no return. I don’t know what I will do if he doesn’t leave. Every single thing is a HUGE fight and I have no peace! My kids have no peace! And anyone who steps foot in our home has no peace!!! No one will visit me and I don’t blame them or want them too. He calls me names in front of anyone (including the children) and even threatens to slap me in front of my own parents. He has completely lost it and I can’t handle it anymore!
In the beginning he was so great, but that didn’t last very long and I have been unable to get rid of him. If someone told me to go because they didn’t want to be with me anymore, I would go. I don’t understand why he feels that I have to take care of him. I am the one who bore his children and has taken care of him for over 9 years. He has ruined my entire life and now all I want is to make life easier for my kids. How do I break up with someone who refuses to leave? This is MY house and everything is under MY name. I recently moved to this house to get away from him but he followed me here. He uses the kids against me and tells me that throwing him out will only hurt them and that I am a bad mother for hurting them. I swear that to him, my name is Bitch. He calls me that in front of the kids all of the time and you just can’t imagine how that word makes me want to jump on him and scratch his eyes out. But he is 6’3″ and over 300 lbs and I am only 5’7″ under 150 lbs.
This man has done unspeakable things to me and has accused me of things no one would believe. He is nasty in every sense of the word and I cannot get rid of him. I do not want my kids around this man any longer and I don’t know what to do because he says that if I want to leave him then I should just take my kids and go, but this is MY house and everything in it belongs to me and my kids. And honestly, I could pick up and leave with nothing (though I have nowhere to go thanks to him) but he WILL find me and he will force himself into my life. I have thrown him out and changed the locks and he has broken in. He has stalked me, gotten me fired, threatened my friends, taken a knife out on me, raped me, suffocated me, choked me, hit me… everything!!! He is getting worse each day. I am starting to lose it myself. Sometimes he makes me so angry that I spew my own venom right back at him and I say the most meanest and hurtful things to him, screaming at the top of my lungs, and that is NOT really me. I don’t want to turn into him. If I had someone to leave my kids with, I’d probably kill myself just to save my kids from him. I know if I were gone, he would not want anything to do with the kids. He supposedly loves them but the only thing he loves is draining the life out of me.
How do I get get him out of my life??? I can’t call the police because they will get children services involved and I do not want my kids taken away. I love them so much! I can’t imagine them having to live one day in foster care when I have everything they need and am a good mother. I would admit myself into a mental hospital because I honestly am at my wits end, but I cannot leave my kids alone with this psycho. Who knows what he would do or say to them if I weren’t around. I need some serious help…
To Laura: I hope you read this. You make your situation sound so hopeless but it is not. You own your own house. So kick him out. Here’s how you do it.
You go to the police and file a restraining order. Then ask them how to get this man out of your house.
With a restraining order, you can then go ahead and change the locks. If he breaks in, he goes straight to jail.
Use the authorities. Do not worry about your fear of “child protective services”. They will not take your kids away. That’s just stuff your boyfriend has said in order to control you through fear. It is YOUR home. Kick him out. File restraining order. If he violates the order, you can put him in jail.
This is so typical. I can’t believe you can discover a borderline’s behavior on a list! They all do the same thing!. It is so weird! I can’t believe I’ve had to learn such complicated psychological terms like Projective Identifcation and Splitting. My mother did this when I was growing up and it drove me and my brother literally crazy. My brother finally commited suicide by cop. My husband tried to be more of a victim of MY brother’s suicide than me! Borderlines literally relish in their victim positions sometimes. That behavior make people around them very angry and want to show them what a REAL victim is! then their self fufilling prophecy of “everyone is out to get me” becomes real. These people waste a lot other people’s time. I see toddlers at the park act like this constantly.