Lying to my therapist

Wow! I'm just getting over a relationship with a girl who I greatly suspect had BPD. I think you really need to come straight about everything with your therapist.

I commend you for starting to get help, but BPD therapy has a high dropout rate. You know that you need help. Stop denying yourself from the truth. It is the only way you will get better. You're not only lying to your therapist, you're lying to yourself.

I've only learned about BPD recently and it's a real mind funk. I can deal with it better, now that I understand it better, but it's not enjoyable.
You can live a better life. I can't even imagine how confusing your life is at times. I've witnessed the  anger of the confusion from within. You know there is something not right, you need to confront it and make sense of it.
If you don't continue with therapy and address these situations with honesty, you will push everyone away from you. Stay true to yourself. Be good to the people who are there for you, as they really want you to heal. Remember that your family and support group have to maintain their own lives. Spread kindness and goodness, because inside you are an amazing person.

Chris, BPDs see themselves as victims because theirs is a “disease” of projection. They can’t tolerate uncomfortable feelings within themselves, so they cast those feelings out and hurl them at someone else. For example, they feel rage or disgust building in themselves..and promptly rage contempuously at their target about how angry or contemptuous or wrong they are. In other words, the BPD feels all these awful, negative feelings and in an attempt to get rid of them, they unload it all into someone else. They don’t realize they are doing it. They just do it, instantly. They can’t tolerate their negative feelings at all. So they project it onto others. Projection is rampant with this disorder. If they feel internal rage or shame they immediately cast it off another personand attribute it to them (this is when they are being abusive) and scream at the other person accusingly “Look how abusive you are! You’re out of control! You’re mean! You’re shouting! You’re this, you’re that” not realizing they are describing themselves. But they don’t get that. They don’t get that THEY are the ones behaving abusively. If they’re feeling jealous or spiteful, they’ll tear down the one they’re jealous of and rage about how jealous, how spiteful the other person is. In doing so they cast off their inner turmoil, rail against it, and attribute it to someone else. During the process they completely delude themselves into thinking the reverse of reality. They can’t see that all the righteous rage and resentment they feel towards another person …actually belongs to them! They are not thinking, they only feel. And if it’s something bad, they can’t tolerate it. They spit it out onto a target. All rage is one giant excercise in projection. The denial of their own negative feelings, words, and behaviors is so deep…they actually believe they belong to someone else. Of course BPDs often feel they are victims– since they are often abusing others. It’s all projection. In reality they are the abusers. So naturally they think it’s the other person abusing them. All abusers believe the are the victims. All abusers use projection. They all have it backwards. You’ll never find an abusive rager who didn’t pump themselves up into believing that they were the victim. That is the heart of this disorder. An inability to tolerate negative feelings in themselves. They inject it all into other people accusingly in an attempt to cast it out of themselves. It’s the same process when a stranger rapes an innocent child or woman he doesn’t know all while calling them “whores” “sluts” etc. He’s clearly the only one who wants sex, he’s forcing it upon innocent victims who want nothing but to escape this man and his desires…but he hurls the deragatory labels at his victim with all the feelings of contempt he can muster, as if he were the victim and they were forcing themselves upon him! Those tramps! That’s PROJECTION. All abusers do it. It enables them to heighten their feelings of righteousness as they abuse others. BPD do it an awful lot as well and it is why they end up thinking of themselves as victims. They don’t get that they’ve just raged abusively at someone and blamed them for their own rage. Instead, they walk away feeling as if they were the ones wronged. When it was just the opposite. Some people feel bad things or do bad things and don’t realize they are pushing it onto other people. They simply don’t wish to attribute bad things to themselves when they should. They need to stop taking it out on other people and own it. People with class B personality disorders have a talent for projecting all their negative feelings onto others. It’s a very self-serving characteristic, not a true break with reality. It allows them to get away with murder while absolving themselves of consequences. They don’t own their negativity. Instead, they believe others are the problem.

A Wishard – what you wrote in your post, I could have written the same thing two years ago, and for many years before that. I started lying to my first therapist so I stopped seeing her because I couldn’t face my lies. I lied to my first therapist because I wanted her – and everyone else – to think that I was okay, when in fact, I was not okay. I was alone, empty, lost, using drugs and alcohol and cutting to deal with everything. Classic BPD, or so I’m told.

I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt over 18 months ago, and while I was in the psych ward, I found out about DBT. After being released from the hospital, I started group and individual DBT therapy with a new therapist – someone who related to me, who made me feel comfortable. I still fight the urge to lie to him about things every session, but DBT has helped me deal with that urge. I’m honest with my therapist about not following a schedule (he wants me to go to bed & get up at the same time everyday too) and he doesn’t judge me for it.

Not trying to preach, but for anyone with BPD like me…well DBT therapy is the only thing thats ever helped me, but its helped me A LOT. Working at it for 18 months, I’ve been clean of cutting for over 6 months – the longest in a REALLY long time. I’m actually able to get out of bed in the morning, which may sound like nothing to some people, but I used to be unable to get to class/my job, and now I’m about to finally graduate and I’m holding a steady job.

Please, PLEASE, seek DBT therapy in your area. It literally saved my life. Saved me from killing myself. Because I had no hope that I would ever stop feeling so lost, so confused, so utterly alone and empty and hopeless and dead inside.

” I don’t even care about therapy”

“My goal is to have my therapist think good things about me”

“I like to make sure that everyone else out there understands that I am the real victim ”

” I don’t want people thinking I’m a bad person”

“I definitely like the fact that people feel bad for me ”

I love that attending therapy has allowed me to wear the “therapy badge” and makes me look good, earning brownie points with close friends and family.

” I like the fact that those around me are more lenient with my behavior”

“What worries me the most, is I feel like sometimes the more I tell these lies the more I have trouble differentiating between what really happened and what I’m telling my therapist. ”

WOW. So she’s saying the ONLY thing that bothers her about all her lies is the worry that she might get caught in a lie, since she’s telling so many she can’t keep track. No concern about hurting others, deceiving others, putting her own husband in jail based on her lies, nope. Her only concern is getting found out! She can’t have people realise she’s a liar. No concern about anyone else, only about covering her ass, her lies, her bad behaviors.
Did you read her words? She’s spelling it out. Her only concern is her image. Her phoney image. Therapy is used because it projects a good image of her as a person who cares about changing. It gives her brownie points, a good image. That’s all it is to her. Her whole life is a lie, she’s been covering up her mistakes and lying about who and what she is. Can’t have anyone think badly of her, afterall. Image is everything. What a shallow, empty life. Her whole life has been devoted to covering up her messes and blaming and lying her way through life. No wonder they are such good liars. Its their way of life. It’s like they got stuck in that pattern of the terrible twos and never evolved beyond it. Only thing that has evolved is their ability to lie and project a nice (and FALSE) image. A lie.

I think this kind of lying started in early childhood, as a means to avoid consequences to behavior. Did you hit your sister? No! She did! And so on…All children go through this stage in their toddler years, when the basic concepts of good and bad behavior is first introduced to them. It becomes a problem when parents let this behavior slide, look the other way, or otherwise fail to address it. The child learns they can get away with anything if they just deny it. They could be beating their younger sibling or stealing toys etc, and if they just lie about it and the parents believe them or let ‘em get away with it, they learn they can do whatever they wish without suffering consequences. So long as they lie, they get away with it, and are still viewed as a “good” little boy or girl. It’s profoundly rewarding. They become programmed to lie. It serves the well. On every level. They learn to feel entitled to this way of life. Lying works in an environment where those in charge enable it. Why wouldn’t it become a way of life? Any experiences ingrained in us during childhood, are deeply ingrained indeed. Our personalities are forming then, and you better believe it that what we learn then integrates into our personalities. What we experience in childhood shapes our thinking. About ourselves, others, the world. How we handle and react in our environment. Usually, we operate out of the same prism formed during our childhood. If lying worked well then, you can bet the person will be lying as an adult. Thats they way they learned to operate in the world. Personality disorders are formed here.

Hi Reflection, I don’t think you need meds, but therapy to help change your thinking. I am convinced this disorder is caused by the way parents raise (or fail to raise) their children. I can tell you that my mom was never disciplined as a child. Her parents doted on her as their only girl, and believed she could do no wrong. Even when she messed up or behaved poorly, they overlooked it. In fact, she rarely had need to throw tantrums then, because they indulged her every whim. Tantrums came later, after she left home and had to interact with other people. She never had to sit with consequences for her behavior, so as a result she still still behaves like a baby in some ways. Throws tantrums, lies, then denies it all and acts like she is above reproach. Her parents raised her to believe she could do no wrong, as a result she believes it to this day of herself. It’s like she was programmed NOT to own up to her mistakes, therefore the lies come into the mix, since admitting what she did is impossible. It is so clear to me that this disorder is caused by improper parenting. A lack of discipline. That said, my grandparents are the most loving, generous people there is. But they idealized my mother, viewed her as an angel and couldn’t bring themselves to treat her as a human child that needed correction and discipline in addition to unconditional love. I think some parents unknowingly spoil their children. They can do it by only seeing the good and putting blinders up to everything else. Some parents are just very loving and indulgent. And some parents see their kids as an extention of themselves. Others still may actually “spoil” their children by being neglectful, and thus failing to instill discipline by being irresponsable, absent, or inconsistant in parenting styles. Spoiling has many routes, whether by over indulging or neglect. Both ways fail to instill their kids with personal responsability. One has to be made to face consequences for poor behavior or we stay stuck operating from a selfish, immature toddler-like center. I’ve come to think of my mother as a grown baby. She does whatever she feels, no matter how extreme, then promptly moves on and acts like it never happened, lies about it, since she is incapable of personal responsability. Not for the bad things she does. All due to my grandparents raising her to be unable to conceive wrongdoing in herself. Meds will not help. Like all people with this disorder, therapy is needed. You have to essentially reprogram yourself, re-write over and replace the dysfunctional programming your parents drilled into you. It will be hard, since it’s all you know since you’ve been a very young child. You may think this is just who you were born to be. But that’s not correct. You were trained to be this way by your parents and you can train yourself out of it, to new healthy ways of functioning. Deep therapy is the only way to make a change on this level.

Hey I apologize in advance if I’m repeating anything from some one else’s post. I wanted to let this comment out before reading the rest of them…

I believe that I am also a “victim” of BPD. It wasn’t even my idea at first. My mother actually got me the book on BPD for dummies and it was very eye-opening. In summation, we pretty much have a distorted view of reality, as we often try to make ourselves seem like the victim and we have trouble accepting responsibility for our actions.

We also act very selfishly, which is definitely what you are doing…before you react (I too often become instantly enraged over small things that probably don’t bother other people) just hear me out. Actually in a way it’s not so selfish, because you’re not really helping yourself. You’re just not helping anyone else either. What I’m referring to is the fact that you just lie and lie to your therapist and indirectly to your family. What is the point? It’s only for your ego’s satisfaction which doesn’t get anyone anywhere good in the long run. You need to start over and tell the truth to your therapist even if you have to get a new one altogether–unless you want to keep a turbulent relationship with your husband and I’m sure your peers and the rest of your family are affected to. You need to be honest with them and yourself. It’s the only way to get better; otherwise you’re just going to drive everyone else away and continue to have bumpy relationships with everyone. You are going to lose yourself, and your loved ones won’t know who you are anymore if you keep this up. You may have already; I know I have. Don’t be afraid of others finding out what kind of person you are. You have to admit to yourself what kind of person you are now in order for you to ever improve yourself. It sounds like you put on this show because you’re so afraid how others might think of you, and you don’t want to be rejected.

What you need to do is try to step outside of yourself and take a look at your actions. Try not to overreact and use this following statement to try to improve yourself instead of blocking it out, denying it, or just wanting to punch the statement. (Remember I’m speaking from the perspective of some one who also struggles with BPD.) You lie to your therapist, friends, and family; you blame others for things that you know deep down is your own fault; you also almost put your husband in a terrible position because of your own childish actions. Is this really a “good” person. Like they preach in AA and other support groups, admitting you have a problem is the first step. I can tell from the blog, though, that you’re already realizing the realities of the situation. You need to try to see yourself the way others might see you, and think about how you can fix it or about better ways you could have handled those events. We are both very selfish people and are too concerned with our ego and about how people view us. Once we start being honest with others and ourselves (I know, easier said than done), only then can we start improving our relationships as well as ourselves. Personally, I know I have put my fiance (and other loved ones) through Hell and I didn’t even realize it at the time. It sounds like you’ve done some damage also. Not only does jumping out of a moving vehicle put yourself at risk, but it also puts others on the road, your husband, and his reputation at risk. I have done similar things that many people might view as crazy. For example, the last couple of nights I have been sleeping in my car, because I have been so stubborn and self-centered. It isn’t because I was kicked out or anything; I pretty much went ballistic and left. I returned back home yesterday for just a second and my fiance had been asleep so, needless to say, he was a little cranky when I got there. I flipped and just left again as he yelled at me down the road to come back so we could talk. He is not the type of person to want to cause a scene in front of the neighbors and he was willing to try to stop me because he still wants to help. I’ve had many similar freak-outs with him and we’ve been together for about 5 yrs. He still loves me and he still wants to help. This is what we both need to remember and keep in mind. Stop fearing rejection. If your husband and my fiance have put up with the crap we already put them through, they’re not going to want to leave us once we start being honest. Don’t be afraid of finding out who you are. Once you past the lies and distrust of others, you will probably find a great person. Stop focusing so much on feeling sorry for yourself. It doesn’t get anyone anywhere. Focus more on the good things in your life, like your husband who seems to really love you unconditionally. Exercise and go outside more and take advantage of the beauty that the world has to offer. Success and happiness rarely just coming knocking at your door (despite any cliches you may have heard); you have to find it or create it yourself. No one else will do it for you.

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” –Mahatma Gandhi

“People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering.” –St. Augustine

I’m sorry to be so long-winded but I have held a lot inside. Plus, this article on acting like a toddler was very eye-opening…
As a personal comment to the article, I think that also if you’re just neglected as a child and go unpunished for misbehavior (although some may view this as being spoiled as well), this could also lead to BPD–then again, I might just be playing the victim again.

P.S. Did you know we are made up of the same stuff that stars are made out of? It’s all energy. We’re all made of energy. So are the animals, this computer, and everyone else around you. Try to steer your intentions and thoughts into love and positive energy. Then that same energy will be returned. Ever notice how things just seem to go wrong when you’re full of hostility, even if you feign happiness with a smile? Most people and probably most animals can feel the energy you’re giving off even if you don’t say a word. Let that energy be positive and stay positive and I promise you more positive things will happen in your life.

“When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced.
Live your life so that when you die,
the world cries and you rejoice.” –Cherokee Expression

I’ve been lying to my med specialist about my bi polar medication and the way it effects me. I make it seem like everything is okay. also im addicted to several illicit drugs and have only mentioned it one time,nonchalantly. now im going to detox and am forced to come clean about everything….the shame and guilt I was trying to avoid seems to have just gotten 1000x worse

Some posters are being very harsh on BDP people. The person who posted about lying to her therapist is telling the truth here. So she is more honest with herself than you are giving her credit for. She is asking for help, not an reiteration of how awful BDP people like her are. The reason some BDP (I speak as one) people lie , rage, self harm etc is we are terrified of our therapists (ourselves) getting to the real emotions of our self hate and pain. The lying etc is a defensive mechanism to stop people getting close to our real hurt and vulnerability and shame. I am just getting there with my therapist but it has taken over a year. Eventually I got tired of repeatedly trying to keep her out or she wore me down. Its terryfying to feel and claim your real feelings as a BDP, we have hidden them to survive, but ultimately we have to feel them to progress. The fact the poster is in therapy means she is trying. Maybe her self esteem is so low she feels that the only way the therapist will be sympathetic is if she tells these dramatic stories, that just being herself is not enough. We BDP people cant help the way we are, its not out of badness or ego or selfishness. Its hideous having this condition – as it is for those people close. Please remember though, it is an illness, and a response to pain.

I had was misdiagnosed for a long time because I lied to my therapist. I felt like the truth was so dark that I didnt want to say it out loud because that would make it real.

Honestly I totally understand what you are going through. At least you admit to having BPD, I think thats the hardest step…

Hi Kevin. I’ll address this question to you and also to others with BPD who’ve posted here. Like you, they all seem to be saying they are not as bad as exemplified by the experiences of most BPD loved ones/family on this site. You say you do not lie, abuse, project, deny or harm anyone else. If thats true, how did you become diagnosed with BPD? What lead you to a therapist in the first place? It seems the lot of you are saying the only things wrong with you are low self-esteem and depression. Plenty of the population has that and they don’t have a personality disorder. Usually BPDs don’t go to a therapist unless they are made to by court order, threat of divorce, or worse (hospitalized). There’s usually a series of failed relationships because the BPD is so destructive and abusive (of course they are in denial, and project, and thus never see themselves as such). If thats not the case for you, and you sought therapy on your own merely to treat low self-esteem, thats fine. But I don’t see how you get diagnosed with BPD from that. Or are you missing something? Are you in denial about other BPD traits? I am not being mean when I say BPDs have a problem with perception, denial, projection, and emotional volatility. Those ingredients by the way are the recipie for mistreating others. There is no way you can have those perceptions problems and not mistreat others. Plus be clueless that you are doing it. Hence all the relationship difficulties.
If you still feel self-pity instead of responsability and remorse then you know you are still in denial.
There’s no need for self-pity once you become responsable for yourself.
There’s no need to feel rage and shame once you allow yourself to feel remorse and take ownership of the destruction you’ve caused. Yes, you are being destructive when you refuse to be accountable for your dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors. You don’t live in a bubble and your behavior affects the people around you, whether you’re too wrapped up in your pain to notice it or not. It is pain of your own making. Pain you inflict on yourself, and pain you inflict on those around you. Note that self-pity is NOT remorse. Self pity is a selfish emotion. Its all for yourself. Remorse needs to be expressed to the people you’ve hurt, not to yourself. Then you’ll be forgiven. But you must learn that YOU are responsable for your own attitudes and behaviors before you are even capable of remorse. No one else is responsable for your actions but you. Not other people, not the world, not circumstances, but YOU. It’s very hard to get that notion through to a BPD.
Do you still honestly believe that you don’t affect others negatively, that you only affect yourself? Do you seriously feel hat its just a mere matter of low self-esteem?
It is a MAJOR perception problem. A lack of personal accountability problem.

My childrens father is what I would call an indiagnose bpd. He has all the symptoms, the most intense symptom he has is, projecting this image to people including his family, that he is very put together and has his shit together. Which is really far from reallity, on top of that he is analcoholic. Right now he is in jail for violating his probation, I just talked to him tje other day and he is a bit out of touch with reality blaming everyone for his actions, I used to get mad at him, but its no good to feel that way, because he has a big problem that he is going to have to face sooner or later, I really think he needs professinal help, and that is something I cannot helphim with. I just recently decided that I myself have to move on, I really love and care about him but I can no longer be in this toxic relationship. He has twisted and manipulated situations so much, that sometime I feel I dont even know this person anymore, alot of stuff that he says are not the truth. I really wish I could help but at this point the best thing I can do for him is walk away. He has family that love him so I hope they will be there for him. I wish him the best for him.