I am in a relationship with a girl who is suffering with BPD, something I just recently found out and at the current time, I have absolutely reached the breaking point. Although I know what most likely needs to be done, I would greatly appreciate any input any of your members have for me.
I have known this girl for many years and we have been friends through it all. From the stories I've heard during that time, I've heard literally hundreds of stories about what has happened to her throughout her life, and very few of them have been good. She has had a series of terrible relationships, all of which I have heard about. The last one though is the one that I was drug in on. As a friend who cared about her at the time, I listened to her talk about how incredibly emotionally abusive this man was to her. I mean, we are talking some very dark stuff. It got to the point where she almost committed suicide, and I truly believe were it not for me, she would have carried through with it.
We started dating about 5 months ago, and for the first 4, things couldn't have gone any better, even in my wildest dreams. We only see each other on the weekends for the most part, due to this being a largely long-distance relationship for the current time, which isn't ideal, but it was something that we both were willing to work through. Slowly during the beginning of the 5th month of the relationship, our time has slowly turned from loving, happy, affectionate time spent together to pointless (literally) spats concerning the most tiny of things, most of which I am convinced do not exist at all. Our video chats when apart simply ended, with her always having some excuse, and when we were together It seemed like she would just fly off the handle at nothing it all, or she would get upset because somehow she took "I'm going to leave you" out of me saying "I want to go for a walk this evening." I am a very understanding person, however, and tried to keep it low-key and simply calm her down and make her happy again. However, this approach has worked less and less as time has gone on. The new formula became this: 1. She gets angry about something very small or non-existant. 2. I try and stay calm and explain myself or the situation. 3. She gets horrifically depressed and goes into what I privately refer to as her "Oh poor pitiful me" phase where she proceeds to barrage herself with self-hating sayings, etc. 4. I try and tell her that those things aren't true. 5. She gets instantly furious and says that I'm unreasonable and that she can't take me treating her like a five-year-old anymore. 6. She suddenly returns to ''happy'' mode, usually after an hour or so. —This, to me, sounded very much to me in the BPD vein, something I was acutely aware of as I grew up in a family of medicine with one parent who often worked with people in this condition. I try to deal with it as best I could however, as I really do love this girl.
Recently however, certain things have changed my feelings, or have at least BEGUN to change them. I found out that she had been lying to me about being in therapy and on medication for months. I don't know why, but the fact is that she quit therapy for monetary reasons and medicine as well. She began seeing a free doc, who is great, but even that she lied to me about. She showed NO remorse for this when I found out. Instead she became upset that I was yelling and mad at her, as if I was in the wrong! Then a week later, I see a conversation going on her Facebook which had been accidentally left up on my computer. In it she is telling some friend about how I am being emotionally abusive, needy, whiny like a little girl, and how she is thinking about spending time with her ex (the one who was so 'emotionally abusive') for some happiness and dumb, brainless fun. This stuff I confronted her with as well, and it followed the same steps as I listed before, verbatim. I did give her an ultimatum however, something that I absolutely abhor. I told her that if I ever found out about her doing any of this stuff again, meaning lying and disgracing me, that we were over. She flipped out, worse than I've ever seen, and now seems to not remember it at all. She did however get into the fact that she indeed did have this, and since then has used this as a crutch, almost. I know that sounds terrible, and I am not trying to pass judgement at all, but she just seems to blame that now instead of ever understanding that she is in the wrong.
I need advice on my BPD girlfriend, I really don't know what to do here. I am being dragged in to feeling terrible all the time, and that isn't me at all. I have taken a stance that I will not be drawn into her games anymore, and she says that she will 'work on it' with her therapist. However, I feel as if I cannot trust her anymore. At the same time however, I still deeply care about her. I feel like I am being selfish for even thinking about getting out of this relationship because I was friends with her before and have always been there for her. I'm also very worried as to what will happen to her if I were to break it off with her. I am not a bad person, but I am tired of feeling hurt, used, and alone. I feel as if all I do is try and make her feel better, to calm her down, to tell her that she's beautiful and wonderful; only to chase the pity-cocktail with a bout of crying myself to sleep at night, because even though she tells me that she does love me, and she tells me that she does care, I cannot open up about any of my feelings and am simply left alone.
Please tell me, directly, is there anything I can do in this situation, or is ending it my only option? Is there a chance for improvement or is it like many posters say, an endless black hole? Am I really a selfish monster for wanting to save what little is left of my happiness? Do you have any suggestions for me coping?
Thank you for the advice,
John
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
End it. You're obviously not good for her and don't have her best interests at heart. This girl is going through seriously awful stuff and you call it her "Oh poor pitiful me" stage?
You don't want a girlfriend, you want someone who makes you the centre of her world.
She'll be better off without you.
I recently got out of a relationship with a girl who I believe has BPD and much of the stuff you've described brings back scenes of my relationship. I dated this girl for about 6 months and the anxiety, depression, mood swings, emotional blackmail and abandonment fears were all there. I attempted to leave my ex three times to no avail before emotionally checking out of the relationship. The challenge you are having about loving your girlfriend but feeling repulsed by her BPD tendencies is something I wrestled with too. You are not at all a selfish monster for wanting to save your happiness. Being with this type of personality is completely draining emotionally because much of what your "responsibility" is reassuring the BPD that your are not leaving and that you love her despite her BPD issues. This is extremely exhausting over time and eventually the "emotional black hole" feeling sets in. BPDs don't have the capacity to reciprocate feeling of a healthy love. They feed on their partner and this is never grounds for a healthy relationship. In the end, you need to decide if being with this person makes you happier overall or not.
I too had the same issues with my ex girlfriend. Everything was perfect and I could not have asked for a more happy relationship until the 4th month. We went on a family trip and she kept isolating herself in our room the whole trip. She started talking about this and doing this behavior right before the trip. Also she would have what I would believe later to be anxiety or panic attacks and I would find her on the floor in the bathroom with the door closed. She would do this so I would not know anything about it. I found with ending the relationship as well but I however stayed in it. What the deciding factor for me was she had texted me the breakup. When I ended up going across town to talk with her she acted as though it never happened. Then as I was talking with her she asked me why I was there… I finally gave up and took all her stuff and put it on her porch while she was at work and asked her to do the same for me.
I could not bare to go through the pain of loosing her over and over and thought it would be best to just accept her breakup and walk out. The next day I had a friend that was on a dating site tell me that she had seen her pictures up on the site. I checked it out and funny thing was they were pictures of our vacation together with me cut out of them… She showed no remorse or care in the world after I talked with her later and told her it was over and I needed to move on with my life just as she did with hers. That was 4 months ago and I have never heard from her again…
sorry — no encouragement to offer except to love yourself — and take care of you. I've finally had to realize that some people can't be helped.
Leave now. I too dated BPD people in my past and they never change. The chances of her recovering are very low, especially since she's been lying about therapy and meds. You seem like a balanced person so trust your gut on this one, these are serious red flats and you have every right to be gravely concerned. It's not worth your emotional and mental health. She has proven that she's a liar, on to of the BPD. BPD is not an excuse for what she's doing to you. She's like a waif/witch type BPD, typically these types will switch between "poor me" and "angry" fits, sometimes the switch is quick as you described. You can't win, you're not her therapist and you're entitled to happiness……
Run. Your confusion is typical of nons who are caught in the labyrinth of a BPD's mind. Treat it like this: you are addicted to a person you love but who you will never, ever really connect with. You are addicted to the effort of making that connection. Drop it, walk away, and you will feel incredible pain for…..four, six, twelve months. And then it will end. And you will realize you are free, and happy, and you will have sympathy for her, and love–at a distance. This will no longer make you sad–instead, you will be filed with the vitality of knowing that so much of life is before you. Or stay with her and live in the prison that she will build around the two of you. Your choice.
She sounds like a sad and pitiful person unfortunately she will probably destroy you if you stay with her. If you do decide to leave you will need to plan it out carefully including how to avoid contact , otherwise she will probably do everything possibly to use your pity/obsession against you to start the whole thing over again.
While reading the replies to your post I became increasingly frustrated and disappointed at societies narrow views on psychological issues. i myself have been recently diagnosed with borderline and let me tell ya, it has lifted alot of hate, sadness and frustration i have felt for so long. The main theme i have heard is leave her. However, in your words I hear someone who is concerned and loves another human being. I am not saying what she has/is doing is right, it isn't. however it is not her fault. You need todo some research to understand that in her brain there is dysfunction in the lymbic system…emotion control…and mixed with a screwed childhood…i'm assuming this, it is pretty common to have been abused (emotionally/physically/sexually), mistreated, neglected etc….It is common for her mood swings and then combined with her mentrual cycle…watch out…lol it isn't funny, however if one takes things too seriously, it isn't good. It is common for the push pull cycle, anger outburst and i bet it takes her quite a long time for her emotions to get back to neutral. And with her not "remembering" certain events, thats called dissociation….a way for her to cope with really uncomfortable feelings. I bet she wasn't taught how deal or have her emotions validated. i know with myself if i don't feel validated, i become resentful, angry, etc…and that leads to isolation, self-harm, binging/purging whatever to "escape" what i cannot handle. I'm telling you this stuff because I hear your frustration, your love and i think your scared…assuming that you are. I recommend do what you can to try to understand what is going on and work WITH her, not against her and the borderline. Because although she has been diagnosed, it doesn't make her a borderline. Think of it this way, a "normal"…what is normal lol….you can get angry or whatever and get back to neutral quite quickly…her brain, however, is never at neutral, so any little trigger sets her off…to the extreme..also a characteristic…and takes awhile to get down. Through DBT therapy, it will teach her how to get back down. It will take a long time, so if your invested in this girl it will take about 1 year of intensive therapy…you gotta make a desicion of what you wanna do quickly. Both for her and your mental states. She needs healing…and you will too. Listen to what your heart says and go withit…what you resist, persists. And if you want to get in touch with me for support….i've done very well in therapy and trust me i understand both sides from hearing my moms pain. Its a very dark and shity road for both parties…i know. Good luck for you both. I will ask Archangel Michael and Raphael for your healing and for hers.
Emotionally unstable people often do well to spend a decent amount of time single. I'd leave and let her know that you are too unhappy in this relationship, and that you need at least a year of no contact to deal with your own problems. Then I'd seek help, either in therapy or self-help books.
Has everyone else noticed that the strongest trait of BPD individuals is their inability to admit fault? And these are people capable of the most heinous, extreme behavior. Rage and tantrums (abuse) are mainstays. But instead of apologizing or at the very least acknowledging their behavior, they DENY it. All of their most atrocious behavior is done with one goal in mind: to deflect accountability away from them. In other words, it's never their fault. They don't just say this in the heat of the moment. They truly believe it to their core. They aren't at fault. It's the other person's fault! Justification for their rage is the only thing they feel, and how dare you remind them of what they did to you. How dare you attempt to make them feel responsable for their own actions!!!
They are like giant babies. Living a life free of personal accountability. Pure emotion. You have to coddle them 100% of the time. They rage, throw full bodied tantrums (interspersed with a few happy moments) and expect you to pick up the peices, forget about it, and adore them unconditionally, redgardless of their behavior. If you're in a relationship with an adult who exibits the psychology and behavior of a baby, you're in an abusive relationship. There's a reason why humans evolve past baby-like behavior. Because when you're no longer a pint-sized, defenseless being, that kind of baby-behavior becomes dangerous, harmful, abusive. Destructive mentally, physically, psychologically, socially. That's why humans have evolved to outgrow past this stage early on. Unfortunately, BPD individuals remain at that immature stage. They'll never change. Nothing changes when they can't own up to their own behavior. If nothings ever their fault, the cycle continues endlessly. These people cannot tolerate being held accountable. They only see themselves in the best light, and expect everyone else to do the same. Short of that, they rage. They deny. They lie. They project. They accuse. They play up pity (suicide threats being an extreme example). All of these are mere manipulation tactics to throw you off from holding them accountable. It's all to deflect attention away from their dysfunctional behavior. This inability to own up to wrongdoing is the defining feature of BPD. It strikes right to the heart of the problem. It's not that they simply don't want to take responsability for their less than stellar behavior. They truly aren't capable of seeing themselves in a poor light. In their minds, nothing they do is wrong. This is an extreme version of selfishness. They never care that they hurt others. They don't give a care how they affect someone else if it gets in the way of their perception of infalliability. They aren't capable of conceiving wrongdoing in themselves. It's a very dangerous, immature person who can't admit their mistakes. And it's this sort of person that will NEVER, ever change. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. And the defining trait of this type of person is an unveering persistant belief that they can do no wrong. They will sacrafice everything to maintain this fantasy….even denying to themselves. It may seem as if they deny, project, and blame their victim after one of their blow ups purely to drive us crazy. Or out of pure evil. But, no, not quite. It's just that they can't conceive wrongdoing in themselves. Ever. It short circuits their fuse when the possability is presented to them, no matter how gently. Their adrenaline and self-righteous rage kick in. Thus, the crazy-making denials and attacks ensue. All in an effort to beat down the notion that they could have possibly done something wrong, or that they're responsable. These people DO NOT CHANGE. They only way to relate to them is just take it and treat them with kid gloves, or leave. BPD people function essentially the same way abusers do. No accountablity for their volatile behavior. Blame and resent their victims instead. They have the gall to turn reality on its head and claim their victims are mistreating them! (They need to justify their rage somehow, so they feed invented reasons into their head about why they are SO ANGRY at their target). Honestly, you won't find any group who believes they are a victim more than abusers and BPD individuals. Classic abuser mentality. RAGE, RAGE, RAGE…then forget about it…unless someone reminds them of what they did, in which case they switch it up to POOR ME! I AM THE VICTIM HERE!!!!! Wah, Wah, Wahhh..
Classic.
BPD is simply a case where the person never evolved past the baby stage. Their emotional, behavioral, and psychological activity mirrors a baby's. For some reason they stagnated and got stuck there, never growing out of that stage. In most cases their parents spoiled them. Although it's also possible some may have been neglected. Either way, the path to BPD is the same. They weren't taught consequences for their actions. The circuits for personal accountability and emotional regulation were never hooked up when their personalities were being formed.
These people are incapable of change. Stay at your peril. Only the most co-dependent, low self-esteem individuals will remain with them. You'd have to sacrafice your own life around their every changing mood, and accept there will never be genuine reconciliation or accountablity. You'd not only have to accept their abuse, you'd have to accept the blame for it too. This is a one way relationship where you give all of yourself and get nothing back but volatility and abuse. You'll discover eventually you can't even have a decent conversation with them because they have zero self-awareness. You are just a mirror to them. And they often don't like the reflection.
I was in a really bad relationship with a woman who has bpd…. She put my through two Windows and told the police I hit her and I went to jail… Then she admitted she lied and I got the charges dropped… She tells everyone around her that I’m abusive …… She cheats on me and denies it…. She has even had a guy come over to the house to come her when I was 5here … Showed him his way out …. I say I’m going to buy a pack of smokes and I come home and all her shit is packed up and she has someone coming to pick her up because I “kicked her out”. I even attempted suicide because I couldn’t handle her anymore…..ill speak for myself and say I will have nothing to do ever again with a person who has bpd …..
I was in a relationship with a girl who I am positive has BPD, and I relate to every story that I just read on this thread. It is amazing how the experiences are all so alike. It has been 15months of no contact on her part, and it is still hard for me. I still think about her everyday because it is so hard to give your all to someone and then they just disregard you. I am sure she has made me out to be the bad guy as she made the previous BF out to be the bad guy and I was rescuing her. Theses words really help because they are so true…
“You’d have to sacrafice your own life around their every changing mood, and accept there will never be genuine reconciliation or accountablity. You’d not only have to accept their abuse, you’d have to accept the blame for it too. This is a one way relationship where you give all of yourself and get nothing back but volatility and abuse. You’ll discover eventually you can’t even have a decent conversation with them because they have zero self-awareness. You are just a mirror to them. And they often don’t like the reflection.”
Sorry, to say, but you will never win in trying to help her, you will never be strong enough to not walk on eggshells, when you want to help her. In the end you will become a very unhappy man, feeling that you have so many faults you can never get anything right.
We lost our son to this and grandchildren. We haven’t seen him or them for over 3 years now. He was a wonderful son who thought he could help her, and now altho’ he works hard and trys to appear normal to his peers, he lives in constant misery blaming himself for being such a poor husband, because she blames him and he now believes it.It is sooo sad.
I have to say I have been able to feel a little bit better about a 2 yr relationship that ended up horribly a month ago. I have been in extreme pain and lost the love of my life. I was with a girl that now I know for sure had BPD. I ended up seeing a therapist and the therapist basically confirmed that she fit every single descriptor of someone with BPD. Although I was with her for 2 yrs and had planned on marrying her something deep down always told me that she’d be hard to trust in terms of infidelity which is very very big thing for me. I knew I had trust issues and i was working on them BUT she used that against me to say that it was totallly just MY OWN trust issues that kept me from trusting her. Now mind you, I knew about her past that was FAR from comforting. She had cheated on her ex with her brother-in-law, she had had many affairs with several married men and had never been faithful to any of her exces. I always felt like she loved me dearly and I truly believe she even did at the end when she walked out of my life cause of stressors and me calling her out when she was chatting with some guy on FB since we were having some difficulties at that time. However, even though I loved her and she loved me I am a very logical minded person and I knew that from her patterns in her life that she looked at things very much so black and white. Her ex husband didn’t pay attention to her enough so he was all bad and she ends up sleeping with the brother in law to get back at him. What makes me think that she wouldn’t do the same thing with me even though she loved me? In ANY relationship there is going to be conflicts and issues. That’s just the fact of life. But i felt like she couldn’t deal with any type of conflict and wasn’t able to actually face problems and try to resolve them. Instead she would act out in anger if there were any type of life stressors and then blame others including me. I was always the one apologizing even when I didnt’ believe i did anything wrong just to appease her. I did everything for this girl that i loved. When i met her she was on drugs and I forced her to get off of it….then had her go to see a therapist everyweek and took her out of a bad environment. Things were looking up for her and her life….then stressors in life came in and she just up and quit on us. In a blink of an eye…one argument and she was gone. We were togther for 2 yrs and then a month after she left I was informed by my friend that was still her friend on FB that she was already engaged to her ex husband who is a total loser that she never had any respect for but married him cause they got pregnant. I was reeling in pain and this just happened last week so i’m still in pain and shock. How could she love me and then completely act in ways that shows I meant nothing to her. This has hurt me more than anything in my life. I loved this girl with all my heart….gave her my all….wanted nothing but great things for her and that’s how relationship ended. I’m lost and yet at same time my friends tell me that in long run i’m better off and deep down I probably know that. I could never trust her with her infidelity and lack of impulse control. Is it mean or illogical to say that majority of girls with BPD have an extremely difficult time being faithful???
I was in a 3 year relationship with my girlfriend, who I learnt has BPD only after she broke up with me. For the the 3 years we were together she made me seem TEN FEET TALL..almost convinced me that I was the Superman who rescued her from the clutches of her evil husband, who apparently abused her. Together we seemed like a ‘house on fire’ ! Now i’m not really proud of having an affair with a married woman ( with a 5 yr old child) but she made it sound like it was destiny. Yup, I do have my own brains but I was in love !!! I started believing that it was fate that brought me to her..to be the saviour and ensure that she lead a secure n happy life..with Me !!
I loved her like crazy..lol ..it was like in the movies..
She did seem to have problems admitting her mistakes but she would simply justify them all. She did not like me saying that she lied very easily. Very smart and witty she could impromptu come up with excuses whenever she got cornered in a situation. Surprisingly she was the one to end both her previous relationships. Call it melodramatic but I kept feeling that the Men in her life had a definite ‘shelf life’ ! I used to get the feeling that if we ever were to hit a road-block she would ruthlessly chuck me out of her life and not bat an eye lid.
I dunno if this sounds like a guy responding to a column or a hurt lover pouring his heart out. The reason I write this..at the risk of being ridiculed is..coz I could relate to a lot of stuff mentioned in the earlier responses that helped me understand what was happening to ‘us’.
Together we had a ‘whirlwind romance’ which could form the content of a best-selling novel. I did whatever would make her happy…put my career on hold..ended up straining relations with loved ones..moved house to take care of her insecurities..supported her financially coz she wasn’t doing too well..tried to be ‘the guy’ she wanted. She would always feel that I loved her less that what she loved me.
What used to worry me was the way she’d dealt with her previous two relationships.
The first time..she was engaged to her love of SEVEN years. On one occasion when the two of them were drunk and the guy tried to act cozy with her girlfriend, the next morning she called it quits and never ever spoke to him again ! Sounds reasonable..I know. But how does one forget a seven yr long relationship and not look back.
The second was when she walked out of her marriage of FIVE years to be with ME ! Yes, it seemed like she was crazily in love with me but it was unjustified nonetheless ! I felt I was saving her from a life full of torture and pain ( so she made me believe). It was me who was trying to make peace between her and the ex-hubby during the divorce. She even slit one finger of her 5 yr old child to make the jury believe that the husband was abusing the child. I do not have evidence to back this allegation but the child DID have a gash on his finger and the fact that this girl was an experienced doctor made me believe that it was her doing ( combined with the fact that the child was in her lone custody when it happened).
A never ending battle of divorce continued for 3 years..it’s still on after 4 yrs as I write this.
At the end of it all one would assume that she would live happily with me, right ? It was too good to be true. I had to be a part of a training programme for a period of four months so we knew we wouldn’t be in touch for that time. We’d be in different cities and visiting was not an option. Besides this was an intensive training programme ( which I’d held back for a good one year owing to my relationship) that would take my career to the next level. So we couldn’t spend as much time on the phoclose to another guy at the workplace and started avoiding me. When after my training I confronted her she called it quits in like a
If you really do love her as you say you do, stop asking advice on boards like this and getting answers from so many whose only real experience with this devestating disorder is their need to save themselves and let someone else, anyone else to hopefully solve the problem. Start contacting practioners experienced in BPD. Contact hospitals and medical schools. Help her find good treatment. Of course if you really don’t love her, follow the advice of the first respondant and leave…she will be better off without you. But I honestly believe leaving without making every concerted effort to help the both of you would only do more harm to her, you, and others she may find herself in a relationship with. You say you are in a medical family. Have you spoken to them? I would think that would be a good place to start. Unless of course, you really don’t want help…
I can only add that you are better out of a relationship such as this. I dated a women for 3 months with BPD and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. In the end you end up blaming yourself for everything and you will never, ever win however much love and affection you put into the relationship.
People with BPD have an emotionall black hole – they seem to have no capacity to recognising the hurt and damage they cause and the more you try the more you get pushed away and rubbished.- it is as though they want to destroy your own self esteem to match their own and make you suffer.
I still care deeply about my ex, but know all the sleepless nights spent worrying about her and how I could fix our relationship were a waste of time. I thought I would never say this but get out of this and slowly you will build a happy and stable relationship with a lovely partner without these problems.
From one who knows, it just isn’t worth it – life’s too short.
Hey Rick/Sam,
I can’t agree with you two any more than i do. In the two years I was with my ex I gave her my all. I tried so hard and gave up my own life to try to be there for her constantly and NEVER EVER would have left her. She also made me feel like I meant everything to her then she abruptly left me. It’s complicated how everything went down and it wasn’t just her leaving me….there were lots of external factors to our situation I don’t want to get into. However, what hurts me the most is the fact that even up to the week before she left me she was constantly telling me how much she couldn’t see her life without me. All these things she said and the fact I was deeply in love with her I never ever would have thought she would have left so abruptly. Then again, she had also left couple of marriages and had very bad repetitive patterns of chaotic relationships. I look back at it now and I think we all hope that we are the ONE that eventually changes them for the better. I learned the hard way….none of use can change these girls. It just will not happen. You can be there to support them but eventually they have to want to fight their lifelong illness. And it will be a struggle. I’ve never been hurt this badly in my life. I’m two months out of the relationship and I haven’t had a day since that I wasn’t depressed. I’ve been hurting every day since then. i cared so much for this girl and thought she did too but her actions at the end really told me otherwise. it’s been hard and i will never ever try to save someone again.
I can relate to your comments Jay (and many of the others on this site) and I know this will be a difficult thing to accept, and I’ve had to, but love just doesn’t come into the whole business. Hard for us to deal with but you will never break through to a BPD – I found whatever I either said or offered in our relationship it was never enough and the goal posts are constantly moved – this is to gain control and massage their own fragile ego, or certainly part of it.
Many posts talk of the deep hurt caused (mine included) and I have come to the conclussion that it is the sheer indifference shown and the feeling of complete coldness with which we have been subjected to. There also seems a very strong connection with a BPD person, almost as though your life will never be the same without them. I think this is because unlike a normal relationship you are drawn in very quickly and the physical side begins right away in most cases – so you are very quickly wrapped up in from day one. I have read that another red flag is the feeling that you have known this person for ever and they make you feel like you are the centre of their world.
I would like to add that I had no idea my girlfriend had BPD, but I had an immediate feeling that something wasn’t right and gradually everything became clear after she told me she had low self esteem (and some comments her work mates made) – I thought it was the low self esteem but didn’t realise this is one of the main symptom of BPD, and after that all the other things made sense – the eating disorder, heavy drinking, chaotic money situation etc, etc.
Like you Jay, I think about her everyday but keep telling myself that the person I still want would make my own life a living nightmare (her previous boyfriend had thrown her out, telling her he couldn’t stand it any longer) and that this is an insane way of behaving. Again, having a relationship with someone with BPD makes you question your own mindset – and makes life out to be like those mirrors in a fairground – distorted.
It will take a long time to heal, but it is far better than the alternative. Several things I have been told have helped me in the break up with my BPD girlfriend,and these are,’You deserve so much better,’ – ‘One day you will know what normal is,’ – ‘Why do you want to be with someone who makes you feel like shit.’
Just take time out and revalue your own life and break the negative thoughts which this awful illness brings.
I’m in a relationship with a girl with BPD right now. I love her deeply, but I just found out four days ago that she cheated on me, that she lied to me, that she’s been sending dirty texts to a fuck buddy/friend of hers for two months while telling me I am the only one. Needless to say, that hurts. Bad.
But, I do not share all the negativity that the other guys have written about here. I know she’s had a strange childhood. I have too. We connect on that level, knowing that people are served up shitty dishes of life early on. But I am optimistic. I know all the good in her. I know all the great in her. I know if she really looks deeply, she will be able to see the good inside herself too. Everyone is allowed light and dark to pass through them… And everyone is capable of and allowed to choose which way to lean. It’s now just about finding the right way to make it work. The right therapy. The right words… I just hope I can trust her again. I hope she doesn’t hurt me again.
I hope she can see how worthwhile healing, communication, honesty, love, and introspection really are. I hope she can see how valuable they are to a happy life – not a life of bouncing and bouncing and changing partners and entertaining anger.
I have faith that everyone can heal, if given the right opportunity.. If given the right incentive. I am not BPD, but I have felt like it with her. I have to be strong enough to see her pain and not get pulled into it. If you get pulled into it, how can you ever heal it?
Being pulled into love is a gift. Allowing yourself to love someone is… human courage.
Chris November 10, 2011 at 1:03 pm
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I’m in a relationship with a girl with BPD right now. I love her deeply, but I just found out four days ago that she cheated on me, that she lied to me, that she’s been sending dirty texts to a sex buddy/friend of hers for two months while telling me I am the only one. Needless to say, that hurts. Bad.
But, I do not share all the negativity that the other guys have written about here. I know she’s had a strange childhood. I have too. We connect on that level, knowing that people are served up shitty dishes of life early on. But I am optimistic. I know all the good in her. I know all the great in her. I know if she really looks deeply, she will be able to see the good inside herself too. Everyone is allowed light and dark to pass through them… And everyone is capable of and allowed to choose which way to lean. It’s now just about finding the right way to make it work. The right therapy. The right words… I just hope I can trust her again. I hope she doesn’t hurt me again.
I hope she can see how worthwhile healing, communication, honesty, love, and introspection really are. I hope she can see how valuable they are to a happy life – not a life of bouncing and bouncing and changing partners and entertaining anger.
I have faith that everyone can heal, if given the right opportunity.. If given the right incentive. I am not BPD, but I have felt like it with her. I have to be strong enough to see her pain and not get pulled into it. If you get pulled into it, how can you ever heal it?
Being pulled into love is a gift. Allowing yourself to love someone is… human courage.
Chris. YOU can’t heal her BPD. As magical and romantic as that sounds. Nothing you do, no amount of love or sacrafice on your part will make her see you as a person worthy of love and respect. These people cannot see beyond their own selfish desires and emotions. She will continue to lie, cheat, and deny any accountability for her behaviors. When they’re behaving nice its akin to ‘acting’ and they will quickly revert to old patterns of behavior. The cycle never ends. They tend to attract the “Hero” types for a reason. As long as the other person in the relationship believes there is always hope, or that they can rescue or change the BPD…the longer they stay in the relationsip. There is a place for hope and change, but thats only if you admit reality into the equation. Abusers never change. BPD don’t change (I’m waiting to hear of the exception to this). Pathological liars do not change. Why? Because all of them REFUSE to be accountable for their behavior. All their efforts go into concealing it, denying it, excusing it. What these “Hero” types need to realize is that they are actually “Enablers.” It feels good to think you’re powerful enough to “save” a blackpit of dysfunction though doesn’t it? No one else can get through to them…but you can. Riiight. I’m sorry, but you’ll learn through experience, as so many of us have…(these personality types don’t change. And the depth of their selfishness is something you’re whitewashing or don’t yet understand). Some of us speak from decades of experience, not just a few months or years of a romantic relationship. Some of us have family and know just how deep rooted their dysfunction is. Trust me, trust the professionals, just like your classic abusers, these people DO NOT CHANGE. Or at the very least, it is extrememly difficult long road of struggle to get them to even admit they need help. Let alone get them to remain in treatment. It will still be a long diffcult road even with treatment. Its one thing to change behavior, but to change someone’s whole personality is a monumental if not impossible task. You can’t really change an adult once their personality solidifies. These people don’t face consequences well at all. And if they can’t face their own behavior and lies, how do you expect them to change in a meaninful way? A magical transformation? Through the power of your love? It doesn’t happen. You sound like an abused wife. “If I just keep loving him, he’ll change!” Well, that never works. At best, you’re simply enabling them.
Chris, You grew up in a shitty family and are trying to right it by seeking another shitty relationship through this girlfriend. Only in your mind, this time, you’ll make things work. Face it, victims of abuse have a pattern of seeking out abusive relationships again and again. Why? The same reason you’re doing it. They want another chance to “fix it”. Get it right. They want to heal from their past dysfunctional relationship through the vehicle of a new, equally screwed up relationship! You’re gf probably has all the quallities of the parent you had the most dysfunctional relationship with. Most victims tend to do this…Work through their issues with another person who exhibits all the same personality traits as their dysfunctional parent (or spouse/ ex/etc). Thats why they keep getting into abusive relationships again and again. They are ATTRACTED to abusive people! Its all they know. And they desparately want to heal themselves through any relationship or person that resembles the screwed up quallitites from previous unresolved messes they havn’t healed from (often ones parents). This isn’t anything new. The healthy thing would be to abandon the need to “fix” things with a dysfunctional, abusive person and realize that now as an adult you have a CHOICE to CHOOSE to be in a relationship with a sane, healthy, caring, responsable person. Unlike when you were a child, and had no choice at all. You were forced to stay stuck in shitty relationships with family. You couldn’t choose to leave your parents. Notice you couldn’t change them either? No amount of love, loyalty, or submission improved their abusive ways did it?You being a vulnerable, innocent child, totally dependent and unquestionably loving your parents (as all children do) didn’t stop them from abusing you, did it? What you need to realize is that you have a choice NOW. You can choose not to remain stuck in a shitty relationship. People who come from crappy families are the most vulnerable to succom to relationships with dysfunctional personalities later in life. Because we unconsciously wish to re-engage with a messed up relationship in order to heal from the family we’ve come from. We seek out relationships that mirror all the dynamics of our previous dysfunctional relationship. That is how we hope to heal. Its like we failed a test and keep going back to take it again and again until we pass it. Except this test is rigged buddy. Rigged for you to fail from the start. We should learn that there is no way we can change them or heal with them. We should learn not to try at something rigged to fail…and put our energies elsewhere. Because you can’t heal a dysfunctional personality disordered person. An abuser never changes. Do you think you can change a narcissist/abuser/BPD/sociopath with enough love that they will magically change into an empath? Transform their very natures into their opposite? This is who they are. They don’t have a switch you can just turn on for love, empathy, saneness. You can’t find it or reach it because it doesn’t exist. They don’t even possess the circuitry for the things you’re hoping she’ll become. How do we heal from “shitty” relationships? Not by getting into a new one, equally shitty, and hoping that our love will change them this time. We heal by knowing we now have the power and the esteem to LEAVE abusive, unhealthy relationships. We know we are free and healed when we no longer need to stay in a horrible place to prove something to ourselves. We don’t have a need to change or plead or reason with anyone to get them to see how much we love them and how much they are hurting us. No need. We just leave. We are free. Untangeled. Healed.
If you are pouring love into this type of girl, I can assure you it will never be returned. Its like pouring water into a glass with holes in it. Completely wasted. They “need” you all right. Desparately. But they certainly don’t love you. They don’t have the capability. Its really hard for most of us to grasp that. Because we think everyone must be like us, everyone can love…But its not true. Some people really are selfish to a degree that you just can’t bring yourself to believe. They don’t have the circuitry for love–only neediness, selfishness, pleasure…and fear, desparation, and rage when the first three things are not meeting their satisfaction. I know, its really hard to let go of the belief that all people are intrinsically good, and can love, and can respect boundaries. We give all sorts of excuses as to why they aren’t treating us right. “They had a rough life…No one loved them like I will…No one gave them a chance…You’ll see! I’ll give my all to them, and they’ll see the light and change!” I’m sure you are not the first to try. Most people are intrinsically good. But face it. There really are some people that are not. And its not due to something you can fix (like coming from a broken home..you can heal from that). Some people really are wired for supreme selfishness, without the ability to love. No matter how much love is poured into them. It won’t catch and infect them. They are all about ME, ME, ME all the time. ALL THE TIME. They can’t even see you through their prism of selfishness. They aren’t capable of caring about your feelings, or needs, or boundaries. Only about how you make them feel. There is no reciprocity. They certainly can’t return your love. They want you to stay with them alright. These are the neediest people you’ll ever encounter. Every abuser needs a victim. They are nothing without someone to unload all their aggression and displeasure into. They need someone to be a mirror to bounce negativity off of. Otherwise they would be alone, and have to face themselves. They really don’t want to ever be in a position to do that. So they need you desparately around as a buffer, a human garbage pail when they’re feeling bad…a mirror when they are feeling good. You are just those objects to them. But don’t confuse neediness with love. The longer you stay with this type of person, the worse they get. Trust me. They don’t improve with time. Or love. Or effort. All you’re doing is enabling their dysfunctional behavior. I’m sorry to burst you’re bubble. But it doesn’t get better. Difficult relationships are one thing. They can be worked on. But if one of the individuals has a personality disorder–its hopeless. That person WILL NOT CHANGE. They will never get it. And they will never care. No amount of therapy will teach them to care. No amount of effort and love on your part will make them get it. Years of love and intensive therapy doesn’t make them get it either. Although some may learn to tamp down dysfunctional behavior somewhat because they are finally being held accountable for it. But their hearts and minds have not changed. Only outward behavior. And only some of the time. Inside they are still selfish, see you only as a source of narcisstic supply (not a real person), they still don’t have a clue about anyone else’s feelings or boundaries. And don’t care. Never will. With loads of therapy you may be able to get them to change some outward behavior (less tantrums, rages, physical abuse). But internally, you cannot change their personality. You cannot make a narcissist an empath through therapy for example. You cannot make a BPD abandon their selfish life view, where everything is percieved through their own selfish moods and desires to a pathological degree. They are wired for that. They won’t learn to see things through your point of view, or learn to recognize other people’s feelings or boundaries. Or to care about anything other than their own moods. They’re wired for that. Therapy and all the love in the world will not give them the ability to suddenly love, care, see other people as actual people. It only has the potential to change outward behavior. Which is good. But still. You can’t expect the personality disordered to love you back. Or change. They can’t. They really are this selfish. Everything in their life is seen through this selfish prism. All that exists to them are their own moods and desires. Other people are not even an afterthought. With serious therapy (or prison) they might learn to see that they need to control outward behavior. But they are still viewing things from that same selfish prism and that does not change. Its who they are. Really. Its so hard to accept that some people are really like this. But some people, really, really are. Accept it. Let go of the fanstasy that you can change them and move on.
So what you are sayin is that people with bpd are horrible human beings undeserving of love, because sick people don’t deserve it. In fact the should be put on an island with all the alcoholics or folks with aids, cancer and obesity and that island should probably be blown up, so all the healthy folks don’t get I infected or affected.
Hello boys! I am recovering from bpd. First off, that Trix person who commented must have bpd, because their argument is illogical. No one should be expected to carry the burden of a bpd person. It is the bps responsibility to work on getting better before entering a relationship. I don’t think its a mental illness, I think it is trauma and pain that has been projected onto the world. Its thinking, “I’m hurting, and its all your fault!”. Children do this because they are not able to properly process their trauma, therefore when the trauma occurs at a young age, this childlike mentality remains. Its like you’re trying to reason with a 2 year old. I’ve never been to therapy. I’ve done extensive reading and self analysis for the past 14 months. In the last 4 weeks, I’ve formed some new friendships and even started dating someone, something I could not do before for more than a few days. I still get a little moody and have a hard time handling stress, but I realized that my core anger was from the wounds my father inflicted, and later thinking that men were soulless, unfeeling monsters that would all hurt me. I wanted friendship and love so badly but that is what was stopping me. So now, let’s say a friend doesn’t answer my text. Instead of getting upset, I think maybe he is busy. If I start to really panic, I will tell him how I feel calmly, and he will reassure me. I do this same “reality testing” when I get paranoid or angry, impulsive or any other uncomfortable state. I stop and ignore those thoughts, and try to understand what’s truly going on. I can usually calm myself within minutes. I’ve also began opening up and accepting that my friends really do like me and care about my wellbeing, that I really am stunningly gorgeous, likable and worthy of good treatment. I guess its all about reversing all the negativity my abusive parents inflicted on me. As a child, we think our parents are the center of the universe. They are not, they are only imperfect humans, possibly damaged themselves. We don’t have to accept their horrific behavior as an accurate representation of humanity and the world. They are only two people out of billions. I’m rambling, I know. My point is that until a bpd woman has this self awareness and control over her beliefs and emotions, you will never win. Leave her alone. In her despair, she may kill herself, but its much more likely that she will get tired of feeling suicidal and seek a solution. Being alone may be the best thing for her. She just might reflect and realize that everyone else can’t always be the problem. She will get tired of being alone, and then have a chance of finding the core of her troubles. I have to add I am pleased to read from such caring, exemplary men. It is men such as yourself who may one day become fathers, and for each of you there will be one more little girl who won’t suffer, who won’t have to cry herself to sleep everynight into her pillow, asking why me? into the silence. She will never have to live with bpd, and for men such as yourself, I am grateful. Be strong and good luck to you all…
What a mix of hurts and hope. I wonder what John did in the end…that was over a year ago now. I found myself drawn into a relationship with a married man that I believe had a borderline personality disorder. I can relate to every one of these feelings but wondered about some others. Maybe Sam touched on it…
…she made me feel 10 foot tall, …it was like being in a movie. All the other stuff too – finding out about lies, infidelities (well, yeah – I know!), switching-off at the drop of a hat something that was the most magical, intense period of my life. Maybe that’s why people choose to be with people with BPD. Not because we’re looking to be hero’s, but because maybe sometimes when you truly love someone, that’s all that matters.
And maybe that sounds pathetic to some of you. But I’m a strong person. Those around me wondered why I tolerated his behaviours, his excuses, his ‘snivelling’ and ‘spinelessness’ as they saw it. But I didn’t ignore them. For 2 years, he said he needed me – I was the only person who held him to account, who wanted to understand the reasons for doing things that hurt me, ask him what made me feel he had to lie to me about things when I loved him regardless of everything that had happened. When we spoke about a future together, I told him he wasn’t ready for us to be thinking about that. Because he lived in such a swirl of intense emotions. There’s a Wayne Hussey song – Hurricaine that probably sums up how we both felt during our time together.
So many people here have said that the person with a BPD doesn’t empathise, is cold and calculating, manipulative. We talked lots. And maybe I’m naive, but I felt that the intensity of his emotions was crippling to him. I could see every day it wasn’t that there was no emotion, but that he didn’t know how to handle it, and usually shutdown was the preferred option. I saw him try to be brave, he drew up plans, set himself milestones. And sometimes he would want his life to be different, and sometimes he would go back to sticking his head in the sand. I would be there when he wanted, letting him know I wasn’t nearby when he didn’t.
I’m sorry that being drawn into that magical world left a mess behind that his wife is still trying to live with. I think their relationship is an abusive one…not as the foolish mistress, but as somebody who in an effort to right the wrongs faced the music so that he couldn’t leave her and I both doubting our own sanity. It wasn’t pretty but my own sense of worth necessitated me to tell the truth in very (self inflicted) uncomfortable circumstances. Incidentally, I left my husband. Because being with someone with a BPD gave me an insight into the excitement and magic that life can offer. The question is, who is brave enough to jump on the roller coaster?
In the end, a crippling fear of addressing who he was and what he wanted put him in a far worse place than he was in to begin with. And I’m sorry for both our sakes for that. I should have seen how significant the problems were sooner. He’s a mental health professional – he has all the theory of how to figure out the problem, and what solutions are out there. But too scared to face the music.
Even though I’m not sure I could put myself through that emotional turmoil again, I remember the hurt in equal measure to the fantastic times I had with my ‘soulmate’ (yeah – I know!).
Remember, fortune favours the brave. Live well and love better.
I get that all you non BPDs on here have been hurt and so have developed a rather unfavorable view of us and obviously that’s understandable but I have to say thay I am getting pretty sick of being constantly told by you people that ‘I cannot accept any blame’ ‘I think I can do no wrong’. I’ve been suffering with BPD my whole life and believe me NOONE in this world is a harsher critic of myself than I am. The world is a terrifying place for us and although we may appear calm and in control on the surface, day to day functioning can be incredibly painful and overwhelming. I know the way I treat people is sometimes wrong and I know that it’s my fault. But you really think insulting us is going to help? I don’t use bpd as an ‘excuse’ to be selfish, I try very hard every day to be conscientious and treat people right and yes often I fail and in the moment I’ll deny it and try to shift blame from myself but that’s not because I’m evil or selfish but because I’m so cripplingly ashamed of myself and terrified that you will leave me and that’s the only way I know how (dysfunctional as I know it is) to cope. It doesn’t mean that in my heart I don’t know that I am in the wrong. I do. And I assure you it hurts. The bottom line is that borderlines are unwell, we just aren’t wired the way you are and whether you want to admit it or not, we are suffering more than you realise. When a borderline behaves this way, it is not out of spite or selfishness but out of a distorted perception of the world around us. Obviously if you choose not to get involved with one because of the difficulties you will face that is 100% your decision and I totally respect that but spewing hatred towards someone who’s actions are essentially all born out of an all-encompassing fear of being left alone is clearly not productive. You have all been hurt by borderlines and I genuinely sympathise. I’m sure it was terrible and it broke your heart but believe me you cannot imagine what’s going in our hearts either. And guess what. WE can’t walk away.
Great comment, Jamie. I am a non BPD, who loves a BPD, unconditionally, and I wholeheartedly agree with you!! Anyone who thinks otherwise is not at all empathetic, and doesn’t seem to have a grasp of the disease and its manifestations. It’s pathetic the way they act as though the BPD is in full command, and being mean and hateful “just because they can!” They hurt just as much, and more, than any hurt they inflict. And as you say, they can’t just WALK AWAY!! I would never walk away from my BPD. Never!!
I empathize with both parties who are responding, BPD and Nons. I’m a non who just ended a r/s with a BPD girlfriend a few months ago, have not had any contact for almost 2 months now. It still hurts every day some more than others. I did not know about BPD while i was with her but i started to get the sense that something was just not right after we moved in together and the rages became frequent and out of nowhere. We must have broken up/got back together 6 or 7 times. After i found out she had lied to me for a long time and was cheating i said enough and moved out. Even when i was getting my things out of the house there was still the push/pull dynamic, she wanted me out but then didn’t want me taking all my stuff….’be out by friday, wait maybe you can leave some stuff here for awhile?’ Calling me terrible names, then acting like it never happened making excuses. Said things like ‘I’m sorry you hate me’, ‘I’m sorry i disgust you and ruined your life’ which i never even came close to mentioning or indicating. I said hurtful things back to her when she attacked me and yelled because i didn’t know how else to react, i did not know where this was coming from. I feel bad that now after the fact i learn about BPD and have been in Therapy now for 3 months with a Therapist who works directly with PD people so he understands it, i have read many many books from both points of view and done countless research online about it. She had a bad childhood especially as an only child with alcoholic parents and abusive mother, even now that she’s 32 her mom still verbally abuses her. I tried to combat that telling her she was beautiful, my sweets, but it couldn’t even come close to helping. The damage was too great. The good times were so wonderful, but the bad times so incredibly awful i called my mom once after a fight hysterical that someone could be so mean and hurtful then an hour later like nothing happened, i didn’t understand and i felt like i was losing myself.
Now i’m torn. I have all this knowledge, i recognize now the reasons for her behavior and her terribly abusive childhood…but could i really help? Someone has to want help first, and accept there is some sort of problem underneath it all. I dont think even if i tried in all of my love and kindness for her that she’d accept it for what it is and would accuse me of ‘attacking’ her as a person….when all i want to do is help. So i guess i’ll just keep it to myself and try to get on with my life. Maybe one day she’ll get the help she needs but unfortunately i won’t be there if/when it happens.
I didn’t see anyone insulting people with BPD. I saw descriptions of BPD behavior, which frankly is selfish, bratty, immature. But thats not an insult. Its accurate. How else would you describe the behavior of an adult who throws a tantrum over the little things? Then refuses to apologise? Then Denies what they’ve just done and blames the person they just dumped on? It is immature. It is abusive. It really is. o I understand no one wants to think of themselves as selfish, abusive, or immature–but thats what it is. No one is saying BPDs are evil and need to be wiped of the face of the earth. Take it down a notch. They’ve said BPDs behave outrageously, are selfish and “lose it” easily over everyday facts of life that most adults can deal with. They do behave like babies. They do cry, rage, act out over the little things, do they not? They do deny what they’ve done just like a toddler during the terrible twos, do they not? For heavens sakes, call it what it is! It is bratty, immature, and abusive behavior. These are not insults. They are descriptions of the behavior committed. No one insulted you or wished death upon you. If anything they are pleading with you to get help and see your behavior for what it is.
I agree with you that BPD behave the way they do due to their distorted perceptions. The selfish filter through which they experience the world is the very thing that distorts it, however. Try not to feel insulted. Think about it. Do you seriously believe that a person who is so wrapped up in their own dramas, insecurities, jealousies, paranoias that they are capable of actually throwing a tantrum, raging at others, and being completely clueless, or worse cruel enough to not care that they are abusing others….is not being supremely selfish?
What then does selfish mean if it is not being so wrapped up in yourself you don’t care or don’t even realize how you are affecting others?
You deny your hurtful behaviors because you’re too ashamed to admit it? You don’t think you’re being selfish when you choose to protect your ego over another person’s wellbeing?
What do you think selfish means?
Jaime, I commend you for saying your peice. I do wonder about the validity of what you’re saying. There are many things that I think are said basically to defend your behavior. Explain it away to make it seem nicer than it really is. I’ve always wanted to understand my BPD parent, so I’m glad you’re giving your side.
One thing I’ve always wondered about when it comes to the BPD denials of wrongdoing. You say you are aware of your behavior, know that it hurts others, and only lie/deny it because you are so ashamed of your behavior. Too ashamed to admit it. If thats true, why then does the BPD angrily deny it? My BPD parent’s denials are fueled by anger and outrage. They are not shamefully looking down or embarrassed in the least. They always react with pure outrage. Whenever they are asked to acknowledge their behavior is is outrage and denial that results. It isn’t a sheepish or ashamed denial. Not in any sense. I know outrage when I see it. Angry denials are commonplace with BPD when they are reminded of what they did. I mean, its pretty obvious that they are outraged, not ashamed. You can’t feel both at the same time. These are totally opposed emotions. They don’t occur simultaneously. It’s always the HOW DARE YOU variety of denial, never the sheepish, “Gee…I didn’t do it” weakly expressed kind. Being ashamed is totally opposite of being outraged. An outraged person thinks you have no right to address their actions. They think their actions should go unquestioned. They feel entitled. They feel their behavior is justified and that facing what they’ve done is outrageously unfair. It is a HOW DARE YOU emotion. Not an I’m ashamed emotion. People rage when they are feeling extremely self-justified and want to dominate another. Ashamed people don’t give angry denials. If they are truly ashamed they will not deny, or they will deny sheepishly, non-committably, and mumble the denial. Which is basically a sheepish admission of guilt, it is a way to concede wrongdoing without apologising. At least they’ve realilzed they’ve messed up, even if they aren’t able to apologise. But people who deny with anger (which is what usually happens with BPD denials) do not think they’ve done wrong, or do not care. Their primary emotion is outrage not shame. It seems as if they expected to get away with abusive behavior and are outraged that anyone dare question it. Most BPD denials are done ragefully. If you deny out of shame, you are the exception. So I don’t believe at all that BPD deny out of shame. Most deny because they are selfish and feel entitled to do so. How dare anyone question my behavior, I can do whatever I want…That is the sort of attitude most people have to deal with, with a BPD person. It sure doesn’t look like they are ashamed to me. Outraged people are not ashamed. They are expecting to get their way, and angry that they aren’t.
Jamie / cindi. As a non I cant imagine what it is like inside the head of a BPD. It must be utter hell. I know the world is terrifying to you Jaime, but its the hurtful “actions” of the BPD that many of us have come to deplore. My BPD always said the right thing and didnt make excuses for her actions but couldnt stop doing incredibly hurtful things anyway. A distorted perception of the world around you still doesnt give you (or her) the right to destroy the lives of others. I loved my BPD unconditionally, as well, and never would have left her IF she would have accepted the fact that she needed help and ACTED ON IT. She knew she had a problem, but for 37 years never picked up a self-help book or saw a counselor. She has never been alone and continues to have intense hot-cold relationships that leave her partners in an incredible wake of heart ache and pain. “I want to be completely alone.”, “I need to cut off seeing my ex”, “I cant imagine ever being with some else” etc……all things that are said by BPDs but as we all know their actions never match the words. For once I would like to see the actions of a BPD match their words. Stop dragging others in to this world of emotional torment. The only time they mean what they say is when they say “I cant do this anymore. I’m leaving” but even that seems to have an expiration date on it. Turn us black…then turn us back on. Its horribly painful and destroys the lives of the nons, their kids, friends and families. Although once again…not as painful as what goes on in your own head? Right?
First of all, icemaze,
“They’ve said BPDs behave outrageously, are selfish and “lose it” easily over everyday facts of life that most adults can deal with. They do behave like babies.”
I can only speak about me own experiences. BPD’s, like everyone else, are all different. However being so dismissive and trying to belittle people who already have very little self esteem in this way is clearly counterproductive. Yes people with BPD have trouble with things that most adults are able to deal with. To you and those adults I can only say, lucky you. For me, the energy expended trying to live a normal life and just function day-to-day is intense. It’s like trying to keep a lid on a pressure cooker and yes there are times when I will overreact, get upset or angry, usually at times when I feel threatened (even though the threat will quite often be imagined). I’m not excusing ANY form of abuse (I am never and have never been physically abusive to anyone. That’s not ‘denying responsibility’ its simply a fact) but I’m far from perfect and no one knows that better than me. That doesn’t make me selfish nor does it make me lazy. I spend hours of my life every week in therapy trying to learn new skills and techniques in order to function better in the world for both my benefit and for the benefit of those around me. A lot of those skills rely upon an improvement in my own self esteem so being torn apart and called “bratty” and “like a toddler” is a pretty good way to knock me right back to square one.
bells – I have genuine sympathy for you having a bpd parent, I can only imagine how difficult that must be. Again I can’t really comment on your personal experiences and can only speak for myself and those bpd’s I know well. However for me, (and plenty of others I have met through therapy groups) the outrage you see is just panic and fear. When you corner an animal, it’s instinct is to attack. People with BPD act upon emotion rather than logic so when backed into a corner, too ashamed to admit their faults in the heat of the moment, a BPD will panic and rage and get angry in their denials because they simply don’t know what else to do. It’s not just that they can’t admit what’s going on to you, quite often they literally cannot bear to acknowledge the fact that they’ve done something to make you think badly of them, even to themselves. They know it, they know YOU know it, but there’s a certain safety in not voicing it. It’s a defense mechanism much like closing your eyes, sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting til everything goes away. Dysfunctional? Yes, but then that’s why its called a ‘disorder’. However (and again I’m not trying to pass judgement on the situation with your parent because obviously I know nothing about that), once I’ve calmed down I am usually able to come to terms with what has happened, apologise and talk about it calmly and rationally with the involved party. That is a result of many years of therapy.
Basically I do believe that it is the responsibility of any borderline to at least try to get better and do the best they can. I would never simply use my illness as an excuse to do as I please and treat people however I like without consequence and I don’t believe others should either. What I AM saying is if your BPD is trying, and doesn’t always succeed, try and cut them some slack.
And cindi – sounds like your BPD is very lucky to have you
x
Leaving her if you aren’t married with children is the best thing you can do. For as long as you enable this instability thinking you ‘understand’ the worse it is for her. SHE NEEDS to sort things out and people need to back of BPD love interests. She needs the TRUTH and what you will put up with and not. Though the behaviour is knee jerk and she doesn’t realize it, eventually she will. BPD’s are VERY layered and maybe not ever 100% recovered but they do become very aware . BPD’s are VERY capable of love though it might not be in your lifetime of the relationship. So for your own sanity get out BPD’s seek being saved but the only person that can save them is themself. The WORST thing to do to a BPD person is tell them they have it. They will discover life all on their own. If you want to hang in there then it’s best to do your research THROUGHLY to help YOU through the relationship. Once a BPD person submits to themself and faces their truth then the healing begins and it can take YEARS. Once they do….look out you will never meet a more honest, loving and committed person on the planet. I have found my way on my own and have met a man that understands BPD and triggers and together he helps be maintain awareness if something HUGE in my world happens but it really isn’t that huge. THERE IS hope for BPD people and WE DO LOVE VERY deeply!
John
I’m also a guy who’s going out with a girl with a BPD.
I’ve read the forum and I do understand what some ppl is so bitter about. Most of it is what I experience and some I could not relate to.
When I commited to this relationship and she told me about the BPD, I worried a little, Since I’ve never dated anyone who had visited an institution or therapies.
The way I see it, Who’s “normal” in these days anyway? Don’t we have some sort of fault in our personality? everyone’s bound to have a problem one way or the other (mental, physical, financial, etc..). The reason for my stay in this relationship is because I love who she is as a person. That is more than enough for me to support her and aid her in her way to get control of BPD.
I’m not sure if it is curable and since people who professionally studies these things say it is not curable yet, I don’t really mind if it’s this way, She is trying and she knows it’s something she needs to work on. That’s all I need to hear from her.
Sure, there are times where it gets hard, but it does pass. Give it time and talk to her. Try to gently reasoning with her and LISTEN. Let her know that you’re on her side.
I suppose it’s fortunate for me, because she does listen, try different methods and suceed in some, fail in most. At least it’s an improvement isn’t it?
Patience is a virtue and I will try. If it fails, I would have all the time in the world to regret or think about it later. Until then, I’m focused on one thing.
It’s almost 2 years since we’ve met and we’re still working it out, but overall we wish to live together someday without all the triggers she would have to face, some place quiet.
I hope for the best.
p.s. If you’re having doubts of having her in your life, maybe you should take their advice and leave.
I am in absolute shock right now..every single one of these posts(except the first one) strike home so hard. I dated a girl ages ago that was treated for being Bi-Polar, Manic….you name it. The bathroom trash would sound like emptying a glass bowl of popcorn kernels at times from her secretive disposal of meds. The pain lingered for ages it seemed after finally ending the on/off relationship, and although I became my happy self again…I still thought about her from time to time.
This was close to 4 or 5 years ago now…the ONLY abusive relationship I’d ever been involved with, physically and emotionally. I swore never to do that to myself again, any signs of a mental disorder like that and boom I was gone and never looked back.
Well, in early October of 2011 I received a message on facebook from her. I had been blocked by her previous to that and started to question whether or not she even existed anymore. Well guess what…I have a four year old daughter with her apparently. This was kept hidden form me all these years. She wanted us to give it a shot again and possibly become a part of the daughters life. I had to find out for myself, so we completed a positive DNA test…she’s a spitting image of me physically & quick as a whip…an absolutely amazing little girl.
I’ve found myself, once again imprisoned in her world of constant crisis and projection. She’s been using this relationship as the deciding factor of whether or not I am to see my daughter. Although the first month or two were slightly difficult having to deal with constant reminder of terrible things that happened previously in the former relationship, I got to spend some good time with her and my daughter. I’ve been bending over backwards to abide by and tip toe through her mine-field of rules and expectations but she always ends up twisting the most minor of things into an earth shattering, battle of catastrophic proportions.
She has even gone to the extent of projecting blame on me for the situation she’s created for herself. She completely cut me out of her’s and my own daughter’s life. She lives with her parents, has another infant son and makes constant jabs at how nice it is for me, not to have to deal with two screaming children all day. She never worked, could never hold a job, parents built her a house on the same lot when she was a teenager and was spoiled rotten from what I can tell.
Every thing I say or do is twisted around to reflect intentional infliction of harm to her. I am assumed to take 100% responsibility for any of her angry outbursts and how I made her feel even if it’s completely fabricated(which most often is). She even wants me to take responsibility for not being a part of the child’s life since birth….like ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I apologize for this wall of text, there’s just too much to say, I’ll conclude with:
I’m screwed :/