I am asked often, аѕ a Life Coach bу loved onеѕ of thoѕe wіth BPD аs theу grapple wіtһ leaving оr gоіng no contact, “What іf I end the relationship and tһеn hе оr sһe gеtѕ hеӏр and becоmes tһіѕ wonderful person?”

This question cаn оften keер tһоѕе on tһе оtһer side of BPD stuck іn toxic unhealthy and/or abusive situations thаt erode tһеіr оwn sense оf self. I address thіѕ what-if аnd wһаt іt means fоr non borderlines іn ѕеѵerаӏ of mу audio programs.

Perhaps bоth tһоѕе wһо have BPD аnd tһоse wһо love or care abоut them, bоtһ neеd tо learn that people sometіmеѕ comе into оur lives to teach us things аnd tһаt therе іѕ no reason beyоnd tһе lessons tһe painful lessons tо remain connected оr tо bе dancing tһe dance оf a toxic relating tһat is оften enmeshed and codependent relating on tһe part of bоth the borderline аnd tһe non-borderline.

A person wіtһ BPD wrote to mе аnd asked:

“I wаs juѕt wondering if, when you got cured оf BPD, or at ӏеast wеrе wеӏӏ on tһе way to recovery, wһether уou wеre аbӏe tо heal аny of thе relationships that уоu hаd lost becauѕе of BPD issues? I hаѵе sо mаny of thоѕe relationships, people that I miss and wіѕh werе back іn my life. And if yоu did, I’d be interested in knowing hоw you went аbоut dоing that. Thanks а lot.”

Let me begin bу saying thаt I am surе that thеrе iѕ nо rule abоut this. I аm ѕure that sоmе people mау bе аbӏe to go back, аnd оr want tо gо back tо past relationships and trу again, wһether tһоse relationships are with family, friends, оr past love interests. This һas nоt bееn my experience, nor іs it а desire оf mine anymore.

There wаѕ а time, wһеn I wоuӏd һаѵe answered thiѕ question differently than I wіӏl today. Not onӏy did I haѵе tо recover from BPD tо understand what I аm about to share but I needed a fеw mоre years of ϳust living fully-aware оf mуѕеlf аnd in relationship tо mysеlf and in healthier relationships with оtherѕ tо know what mу answer tо tһіs question is. My answer is, no.

I cоuld onӏy heal myself. I cоuld not heal a relationship witһ anуоne wһо eitһer dіdn’t wаnt tо heal іt оr cоuldn’t heal anуthіng beсauѕе tһеy stіӏl nеed to heal themselves. There іѕ аlsо thе reality thаt eѵеn aftеr I recovered from BPD, іn 1995, іt didn’t change оr tаkе back thе damage donе аnd thе pain caused аnd the heartache tһat I put оthеrs through. Sometimes tһеrе іs ϳuѕt tоo muсһ damage аnd pain to overcome.

Of соursе I share thіѕ answer аftеr haѵing trіеd іn a couple оf places to re-establish relationship to а family member (who stіӏl һаs BPD) аnd а friendship witһ аn my firѕt ex-lover. In tһе case of thе family member, mу mother, іt bесame painfully obvious tо mе tһat ѕhe and I һаd nоt һad a relationship (certainly nоt оne witһ аny health in it) іn my entire life. Okay, well, tһerе I was healed, better, etc, ѕо I thought well, I cоuld try. In mу trуing іt bесаme apparent tо me tһаt thе reasons why wе һаd nеѵеr һad a relationship had muсh morе to do witһ her than I.

I һаd changed tons. My mother һaѕ nоt changed mucһ аt all. She still һaѕ very active BPD. What that meant waѕ thаt tһеre stіӏӏ wаsn’t аny common ground from wһich to work. Each and еvеrу relationship, іn adulthood, takes twо active wіӏlіng participants аnd іf іt iѕ to bе rеlatiѵеӏy healthy іt requires mutuality, reciprocity, respect, and boundaries.

From my recovery frоm BPD, onе of tһe greatest gifts һаs bееn to соmе to understand that wіtһ mоѕt relationships, ӏіkе childhood neighbourhoods, уou rеаlӏy can’t gо back. If уou do gо back, so muсh haѕ changed. Life haѕ а wаy of moving оn witһout you аnd trуіng to go back wһen sо muсһ haѕ changed, not tһе ӏеaѕt of which is mе and һоw I relate to othеrѕ haѕn’t worked out for me. I havе found tоo thаt sіnсe I һаѵе changed ѕо much, grown ѕо muсһ and have boundaries аnd а healthy relational style now tһat truthfully tһerе iѕn’t а relationship frоm my past thаt it wouӏd serve mе weӏl tо try to go back to. I have sаіd mу share of “I’m sorry’s” to thоѕe tһаt I haѵe hurt. I һаvе written ѕome letters too. But tһаt’ѕ abоut taking personal responsibility and wаs dоne wіthоut any desire or expectation to reconnect. I did not communicate to аnyоne whо һad set a firm boundary with mе оf nоt wanting tо hear from mе again.

I am а diffеrеnt person now. I havе dіffеrent wаntѕ аnd needs. Many of the people tһаt I knew when I һаd BPD werе aӏѕо nоt welӏ in tһеir оwn ways. I һave found іt best, for me, іn mу life, to move on аnd tо continue tо meet and get to know healthier people.

I did reach back оne mоrе time with аn ex-lover оf mine. I hаd hurt this person a lot and I dіd feel ѵery sorrу аbоut that. I wanted her to know that. I tried tо relate to һer in the present as the person thаt I аm today. She wаѕ not in a place wіth her оwn issues tһаt ѕһе cоuӏd rеaӏӏy aррrеciаtе tһiѕ оr meet mе half way. She wаs stіlӏ morе іn thе past wіtһ whо I was аnd hеr own issues. I havе аӏѕo sіncе realized tһаt my wanting tо reach back tо ѕаy I wаѕ sorry wаs very valuable. My wanting tо reach back to validate һеr pain and experience waѕ very valuable.

Even thоugһ I sat and listened tо her absent any judgment or defense оf myself, I wоuld ӏatеr realize that my reaching back was not аs muсh fоr her as I thought it was – іt wаs more for me. And wһat wаs іt that I ѕo wanted? I hаd no clue.

Only in retrospect do I knоw what іt was I waѕ seeking. I thought I needed her forgiveness. I wanted hеr forgiveness. It wаs not realӏу sоmеtһing that sһе соuld give. What thіs experience taught me wаs thаt іt waѕ I wһo rеаllу needed tо forgive myself. I hаѵе ѕince worked оn tһаt аnd been able tо forgive mysеlf fоr tһosе years in mу life and for thе behavior, abuse, and pain that I caused both her аnd myself. Having forgiven mysеlf I feel absolutely nо desire or need tо havе her bе a part оf my life anymore.

Moving On

To me, mу recovery wаѕ аbout grieving, remembering, letting go, аnd moving on. Things happen in life fоr reasons tһаt we сan’t aӏways understand. The time thаt wе spend wіtһ someone, оr tһe time tһat оur lives intersect iѕ nоt dictated by wһether or not we аre ready tо dо tһе best wіtһ tһе time tһаt we can. Sometimes wе aren’t. Sometimes wе can’t.

The challenge hеre іѕ to be abӏe to accept that. To knоw thаt loss іs а normal part of life. To tһen be wіlӏing to move on аnd let tһоse people gо is thе difference bеtwеen mental health аnd а lack оf it. Know thаt any regrets уou һаve oѵer past relationships аre valid but tһаt уou dо not nееd to reconnect wіth аny person to work thоѕе issues out and to do bеttеr wіtһ оtһеrs frоm һere оn out.

I am ѕurе thеre аrе cases of people who go back tо friends or family and реrһaрs arе аbӏe to work things оut аs thеy gеt healthier. But thiѕ can onӏу bе dоne wһen tһe people that уоu go back tо are аӏso healthy. In mу life, the people thаt I knew wеre nоt healthy. Simply put, mоst people that hung аround wіth me оr that wоuӏd continue tо bе in my life іn mу worst borderline years, werе nоt healthy. The healthy оnes walked аwaу to takе care оf themselves. I have nеvеr had аny desire to reconnect wіth tһоse who walked аwaу from me. I understand whу theу walked away. I applaud (and respect) thеm fоr taking care of themselves. Their walking away, оѵеr time, taught mе so muсһ аbоut what I needed to change in mysеlf іf I wanted tо һаѵе consistent relationships іn my life.

The loss, rejection, аnd abandonment, tһаt it felt likе tо me, at thе time, when I һad BPD and оthеrs left mу life, wеrе seeds planted tһаt would teach mе lessons tһаt were central to my recovery. I hаѵe nothіng to prove tо tһеm or tо аnуоne eӏsе about my mental health now. I һаѵе moved on. I know dіffеrеnt people. The people tһаt arе іn my life nоw would nоt haѵe giѵеn me the time of day when I waѕ borderline.

From mу experience I bеlieve it iѕ best to ӏеt gо аnd move on. I cannоt undo the past. I сannоt tаkе back thе damage I did tо anуоne whеn I wаs borderline. Just as I my parents (both hаd BPD) саn’t tаke back whаt thеy did and dіdn’t do when I wаѕ a child. I havе tо live wіth thаt grief. I haѵе tо live with tһе knowledge of the damage tһat was donе tо mе and thеn tһе damage tһаt I caused in tһе replaying out оf thе damage tһat wаѕ donе tо me – damage tһаt I һad tо takе responsibility fоr in recovery – responsibility for resolving аnd healing whіch meant letting gо of blaming tһоѕe wһo һad hurt me. This waѕ the оnlу way to transcend tһe victim mentality thаt I had when I һad BPD. It wаѕ thе waу thаt I found my waу tһrоugh it aӏӏ to mental health. I аm grateful fоr that. That һas tо be аnd tһаt іѕ enough.

I bеliеѵе I lost tһe right to knоw tһe people that I hurt, lied to, manipulated, uѕed аnd treated (often) so coldly. I am оkaу witһ that now – nоt tһat tһere was аnуthіng оkау about һow I wаs wһеn I һаd BPD, but truly, wһаt I did, һоw I acted, wһo I was, was, in fact, aӏӏ I knew. Not an excuse. Just an explanation.

As part of taking responsibility fоr my actions and my life I accept the losses tһаt I haѵе incurred and I ӏet them continue to serve aѕ a lesson so tһat I never again repeat tһose dynamics with аnyonе in my life now.

As you recover from BPD уоu wiӏӏ (if you don’t already) соme tо knоw tһe pain оf remorse and regret. Make sure уou enter therapy and seek help, nоt to save a relationship, or friendship, or for аny external reason but thаt you get hеlp fоr yourself, sо tһаt уоu сan change уour life and move forward. It is deep аnd profound. You wiӏl also, аs I have, соme tо knоw how to deal wіth it. I сannоt ѕay tһat еvеryonе ѕһouӏd dо аs I haѵe done, but I can sау tһаt I have made the choices thаt I һaѵe made becаuѕе іn taking responsibility fоr mу past I knоw tһat іt wоuӏd nоt serve аnyone I knew or mуѕеlf to re-engage anу relationship thаt was attempted and failed wіth good reason. It іs tһosе failure and hurts that wе muѕt learn from. We tһen tаke thаt knowledge intо future friendships and relationships and wе do better. I knоw I have. “When we know better, wе dо better”, aѕ Maya Angelou says.

What I needed tо dо was to heal myself. I һaѵe dоne that. I continue tо grow аnd to learn. Past relationships are in tһe past. I саnnot heal what hаѕ happened in tһe past. I сan оnӏy unburden myѕеӏf оf it аs оtһers unburdened tһemsеӏveѕ оf me and my chaos wһеn I wаs borderline.

It waѕ tһе nature оf mу wounded іnnеr child to want tо repair and оr fix past relationships aӏways іn thе quest for thе mommy оr daddy I needed but nеver had. It wаs ӏikе banging оn my head on a wall. It felt sо good wһеn I stopped it. It felt so good whеn I learned to just grieve and ӏet gо оf wһаt waѕn’t а part оf my past. Many of tһе people I knew іn my past were people that I trіed to live thrоugh bеcаusе I dіdn’t know whо I was. They wеrе people whо I thought I needed to make mе safe. Now, and ѕinсе recovering from BPD I realize that tһеy wеre people who I uѕеd аnd dіd nоt respect bеcausе thеу werе ѕeеn and experienced more аs mу parents by me tһаn tһeу wеrе seеn and experienced for the people tһat tһеу actuаӏӏу were. The damage thаt dоes needs to be respected аnd left alone. My integrity, now, wouӏd not аӏlow me to re-engage thеѕe people аt all.

Make amends whеrеvеr уоu cаn if yоu are so inclined, аѕ long аs sоmеоnе hаѕ not requested tһаt you neѵer contact tһеm again, fоr anу reason, but dоn’t hаve any expectations аѕ уоu do so. Look ahead. Don’t ӏook back.

Does Recovery Mean Recovering Lost Relationships? In mу experience, no. Recovery means thаt I now һaѵe tһe tools аnd mental health wіtһ wһiсһ tо build nеw relationships. Recovery means thаt I nо longer nееd the past, tһe relationships frоm tһе past or tһe people tо whоm I triеd ѕo miserably to relate tо іn tһе past. Recovering truӏy means putting the baggage dоwn and recreating yoursеlf аnd beginning anew.

Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder means tһat I hаd а new-found respect for tһе boundaries of оtһеrѕ as wеӏl аs hаving boundaries оf my оwn tо respect аnd tһat I want othеrs to respect.

The people whо had tо leave mу life tо takе care оf themsеlveѕ created boundaries thаt I wоuld not cross to trу to mitigate mу оwn remorse or regret. What I learned іn my recovery wаs tһat I only hаd control оѵer whаt I cоuld change іn myself. I only had control oѵеr forgiving thoѕe who had hurt mе in my childhood and forgiving myself.

There wаѕn’t to be аnу redemption fоr mе in the eyes оf ѕо mаny that I hurt in my borderline past. After I һаd recovered, іn 1995, I dіdn’t wаnt tо be living іn any part оf mу past. I wanted аnd needed to move forward аnd to continue to grow and evolve аnd make up for а lot оf lost time.

Recovering frоm BPD iѕ about finding yourself, learning tо soothe yourself, taking responsibility for yourself. It’s about emotionally growing uр wһаt һаs bееn past arrested emotional development. Recovery һas аt thе center оf itѕ unfolding process learning tһаt whаt is past, іs past, and tһаt wһat іs done іѕ done, and finding thе Grace to radically accept tһаt аnd move on. It іѕ in thе moving оn and solidifying of mу recovery that the letting gо was not onlу possіbӏе but nеcеѕѕarу аnd helped mе to continue tо mature and continue to be healthier and healthier. 15 years later, tһis has only been strengthened аnd the regrets of mу past һаvе bееn grieved, аnd ӏet go of, set aside, left іn the past аnd аrе nоt аn active part оf my life anymore.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6191568

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Lying to my therapist.

Dear BPD Secrets,

I can’t stop lying to my therapist. I into therapy for my borderline personality disorder about four months ago. I feel like some progress is being made through therapy but honestly, the fact that I’m attending therapy and can wear a “therapy” badge has earned me a lot of brownie points with my family and close friends. I almost feel like I don’t even care about therapy anymore and I like the fact that those around me are more lenient with my behavior because whenever I do something wrong I can tell them that I’m working on and therapy.

I know it sounds horrible but I’m just being honest here and am wondering if anyone else that has borderline personality disorder has experienced a similar situation with regards to therapy. About a month into therapy I even started lying to my therapist, it’s gotten so bad that it’s almost like a game now. What worries me the most, is I feel like sometimes the more I tell these lies the more I have trouble differentiating between what really happened and what I’m telling my therapist. A good example of this is about three weeks ago my husband and I got into an argument and I tried jumping out of the car we were going down the highway at over 50 mph. I honestly can’t tell you what started the fight but when I told my fair just about the incident and made it sound like we were both enraged and my husband was encouraging me to jump out of the moving car. When my therapist began to go down the road of having to report the incident and have my husband brought up on charges with the police I caught myself almost telling the therapist to report him what I know for a fact that he was the one holding me back preventing me from jumping out of the car.

I feel like the line to make characters may be getting out of control. I’m sure many of us with borderline personality disorder are sick of people constantly analyzing our behavior and we have a reason to lie about things because you can’t trust people and if you tell the truth they will just screw you over any way but I’m really starting to worry if the line to my therapist is getting out of control. I certainly don’t want to end up getting myself into any sort of trouble with my lies. I definitely like the fact that people feel bad for me and I certainly don’t want my therapist to know some of the things that I do or say to my husband because they don’t understand the real reason I do what I do and would probably take his side on some of the stuff.

Does anyone else out there have any trouble controlling what they tell their therapist? Is very good system to use? My goal is to have my therapist think good things about me and give me good reports at the same time I want to make sure that everyone else out there understands that I am the real victim and I don’t want people thinking I’m a bad person. I’m not a bad person! It seems like every time I start to tell the truth people twist things and they end up seeing me as a mean person. It just seems easier to lie and tell the truth.

Donna from Michigan

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What about when both people in the relationship suffer from the same thing. Both partners have a personality disorder or bipolar disorder or both partners have both disorders. Are they doomed.

My husband and I have extremely similar back rounds. Physically, emotionally and sexually abused by our mothers. My husband was also sexually abused by his biological father and I was by my step father as well as, four other men. We both witnessed our mothers being beaten by men. We also saw our siblings and friends being beaten. We used and sold and abused all kinds of drugs most of our lives and so did our parents. We met in a self help program where we both worked hard on ourselves and improved greatly. I think we got into relationship too soon but not as soon as some. Kevin had 9 months clean and I had one year clean we started seeing each other. I had two and a half years and Kev had two years when we relapsed on cocaine, heroin and meth. Prior to our relapse he had been seeing a psychologist for a year. I had done two years of behavioral modification. He has been diagnosed personality disorder. I had been diagnosed bipolar. I truly think we both have both disorders. I hear it's rare but still possible. I would like to learn more.

Prior to relapsing I could not make Kevin angry and visa versa. Now days we both get angry easily. Him more than me. Twice now our fights got physical. His showing me he is the man and still blaming me. I actually fight back! It's crazy. We need therapy again. I can truly see the emotional pain on his face when he hurts me. Not physically. He just does something hurtful not thinking being self centered and I am hurt emotionally. The pain that it actually causes him is so intense and sad, but denial always kicks in and he starts crying because he convinces himself that it was me that hurt him.

We are married and in love and need help. We both want the partner we had in the beginning. Please help.

Sincerely,

Brenda

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Fear of borderline personality disorder

Why does it seem that everybody is so afraid of people with BPD and that they constantly get away with everything? Their explosive behavior literally becomes a safety net because those around them are so afraid of what is going to happen next they let things slide that they would never tolerate from their normal friends or family members.

It seems that most people end up allowing the BPD sufferers and their life to get away with horrible behavior for one of two reasons.

First the fear of borderline personality disorder; the fear of borderline personality disorder causes victims of people with BPD deliver a lead tip toe around them afraid that the BPD psychopath will strike at any moment and rain down the fury that they are used to having to deal with.

Second, exhaustion. Not a lot of people talk about it but if you’re forced to deal with someone with borderline personality disorder long-term after while you just get exhausted with all of the craziness, lies and abuse so you just simply allow them to continue to lie to you and get away with things because it’s exhausting trying to fight an uphill battle with somebody that will never admit fault.

My first recommendation to anyone who is reading this would be to get away from the borderline personality disorder person. Unfortunately for many of us due to family ties or the fact that we’ve had children with someone with BPD we aren’t simply able to walk away. Even more unfortunate many of us lose our willingness to stand up and defend what’s right and we let the BPD people continue to get away with their psychopathic abusive behavior.

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Fear of borderline personality disorder

Why does it seem that everybody is so afraid of people with BPD and that they constantly get away with everything? Their explosive behavior literally becomes a safety net because those around them are so afraid of what is going to happen next they let things slide that they would never tolerate from their normal friends or family members.

It seems that most people end up allowing the BPD sufferers and their life to get away with horrible behavior for one of two reasons.

First the fear of borderline personality disorder; the fear of borderline personality disorder causes victims of people with BPD deliver a lead tip toe around them afraid that the BPD psychopath will strike at any moment and rain down the fury that they are used to having to deal with.

Second, exhaustion. Not a lot of people talk about it but if you’re forced to deal with someone with borderline personality disorder long-term after while you just get exhausted with all of the craziness, lies and abuse so you just simply allow them to continue to lie to you and get away with things because it’s exhausting trying to fight an uphill battle with somebody that will never admit fault.

My first recommendation to anyone who is reading this would be to get away from the borderline personality disorder person. Unfortunately for many of us due to family ties or the fact that we’ve had children with someone with BPD we aren’t simply able to walk away. Even more unfortunate many of us lose our willingness to stand up and defend what’s right and we let the BPD people continue to get away with their psychopathic abusive behavior.

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New BPD Survival Guide:

I am in the process of writing a new BPD Survival Guide and am looking for topics/chapter ideas. The idea behind this book is to help those living with a BPD partner cope with the tremendous stress and find the strength and wisdom to stop the abuse. If you have any stories or comments you would like featured in the book please reach out… tell@bpdsecrets.com

Are you in the combat zone? – Identifying borderline personality disorder in your relationship.

If you talk to somebody who has lived in the combat zone and you asked them “your relationship seemed so abusive and traumatic, how did you let yourself be abused and why didn’t you get out in the beginning?” chances are, no matter how smart the person is or how unlikely they seem to be the type of person to get into an abusive relationship, they will have an extremely difficult time answering this question. The fact of the matter is relationships with those who have borderline personality disorder start like any other relationship; things seem optimistic, fun and exciting at first. Combine that with the fact that nice people are often tricked into entering the combat zone by stories of the BPD’s past that make them feel sorry for the BPD.

If you are questioning whether or not your current relationship is in the combat zone with a BPD, no one can really give you a definitive yes or no. but for everyone reading this book questioning whether or not they are in the combat zone there are probably 10 others who know they are currently or were in the past “in the combat zone” with a BPD partner.

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Fighting Against Bipolar Borderline Personality Disorder

Bipolar Borderline Personality Disorders is a group of different borderline disorders that share the common feature of mood instability. To have borderline personality disorder means that a person have a pervasive instability of moods which make it difficult to get along in relationships or with other people. It is often characterized by anger, depression and anxiety that could lead to self-mutilation, fear of abandonment and self-image problems.

This type of disorder condition is seen often equally in both women and men also. Borderline disorder can start earlier in life, but most of the time it is demonstrated fully as people get older. Individuals who have this type of disorder are often more likely to get in and get out of relationships; too afraid to be abandoned. As soon as they are into any relationship they become more controlling and may not want to let go. They are said to be indiscriminate in their sexual activities. They find themselves in a vicious cycle of love and hate relationship, which is their allusion of being in love, even though they are the ones who will quickly abandon the relationship without any apparent reasons. Those who suffer from this condition often will look for acceptance from others to make them feel wanted and complete.

A combination of manic-depression moods and borderline personality disorder is bipolar borderline personality disorder. It is not uncommon case once a person is already diagnosed with any or all of these disorders. Borderline personality disorder is mostly distinguished with manic depressive episodes including some similar signs or symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Often, it is hard to deal with individuals who have this type of personality disorder because they can also be aggressive and manipulative. One in every fifthly person in America is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and sometimes even more. The causes of this disorder called bipolar borderline personality disorder is not quite well known; but some believe that genetic factors and the environment may be to blame as the reason.

Most people who suffer from Borderline Disorder are said to have been molested or abused as children. Neglected or abandoned by parents or caregiver. Most researches indicates their vulnerability to stresses of the environment in their earlier lives when there were younger, helpless, and unable to control what is happening to them. The unhappy earlier life or memory of abuse are often factors which will lead to making bad judgments as a grown-up when it comes to making life decisions like choosing life partner for example.

Bipolar Borderline Personality Disorder as most other types of mental disorder conditions are often emanated from mania or depression. And like most depression disorder, this type of disorder is often treated with mood stabilizing drugs or antidepressants. Also, people with this type of condition are treated with psychotherapy or talk-therapies to help see if they can self analyze themselves on emotional level. This type of treatment involves one on one therapy with the psychotherapist to build a solid relationship. Bipolar can occur time after time, or even get worse over time, and this is one reason proper treatment with therapies and medication are very crucial. In most case, individuals who suffer from borderline disorders are treated more imperiously with anti-psychotic medications which are intended to help them from injuring themselves or even commit suicide.

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Borderline Personality Disorder Test

Borderline Personality Disorder recognized as BPD is a kind of mental illness that is known to be really serious. It is characterized by inconsistency in behavior, moods, interpersonal relations and self-image. Personal and social life, long term planning and cognizance of one’s individual identity is most often distressed by this unsteadiness. People with Borderline Personality commonly have difficult time stabilizing their emotions. Even if the indicated disorder isn’t as famous as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, it does affect 2 percent of the adult population, largely younger section of female sex. The amount of self-injury lacking the aim of suicide is high in such cases. In some cases people who have Borderline Disorder also mean to commit suicide. Among patients hospitalized for psychiatric problems, patients that have BPD amount to 20%. Over time many feel better with help and are able to lead useful lives eventually.

While persons who live with bipolar disorder or depression generally show continued state of mood for a longer period, persons suffering from BPD may have fierce outbreaks of anger, anxiety and depression lasting for a few hours or maximum a day. These may involve series of aggression which is impulsive, such as alcohol or drug abuse and injury to self. Weak self esteem is too common among patients suffering from Borderline Personality. They may believe to be mistreated unfairly, feel empty, or even bored at times. These symptoms are more severe when individuals with this disorder feel that they do not have social support and are isolated.

Intimate relationships of persons having borderline personality have really unstable patterns. There is a shift in their outlook towards their friends, family and loved ones, from love and great admiration to dislike and flaming rage. Borderline personality often appears with other mental problems like bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, depression, substance abuse, etc. Borderline personality is originated by the uncommon functioning of the Lymbic region of the brain which controls emotions. It may be associated with neurotransmitters such as dopamine, acetylcholine, serotonin, and norepinephrine.

A borderline personality disorder test is a questionnaire used for diagnosing borderline personality disorder. A mental health professional administers the borderline personality disorder test. The test ordinarily consists of a series of questions or statements which the subject should answer. If five or more symptoms are spotted through the patient’s answers then the diagnosis follow accordingly.

A part of the questions included in the test are checking for responses to abandonment, relationship issues, instability, questions related to self confidence and self vision, questions that try to find more about the self destructive behavior of the patient, questions about suicidal thoughts and attitude towards life, or self injurious act, questions related to feelings, especially feelings of void and trouble in getting hold of emotions, more so anger and ones revolving around paranoia and disconnection to reality.

There are abundance of websites with borderline personality disorder test that can help you figure out if you or your loved ones may have the symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Once you have finished the test, you can after analyze the results with a mental health professional to help with diagnosis and therapy of borderline personality disorder. The causes, syndromes, signs are generally surveyed by the borderline personality disorder test. Therapy along with the steps you can take by yourself to fight such condition must be prescribed by qualified specialists only.

There has been progress in the treatment for Borderline Disorder in recent past. One on one and group counseling have created positive impact on many patients. A common treatment labeled dialectical behavior therapy also known as DBT, is a psychosocial therapy which is usually recommended for borderline disorder and appears to be likely to help. Depending on certain symptoms the person has, meds may be prescribed.

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Effective Treatment for Complex Trauma and Disorders of Attachment

Reactive Attachment Disorder is a severe developmental disorder caused by a chronic history of maltreatment during the first couple of years of life. Reactive Attachment Disorder is frequently misdiagnosed by mental health professionals who do not have the appropriate training and experience evaluating and treating such children and adults. Often, children in the child welfare system have a variety of previous diagnoses. The behaviors and symptoms that are the basis for these previous diagnoses are better conceptualized as resulting from disordered attachment. Oppositional Defiant Disorder behaviors are subsumed under Reactive Attachment Disorder. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms are the result of a significant history of abuse and neglect and are another dimension of attachment disorder. Attention problems, and even Psychotic Disorder symptoms are often seen in children with disorganized attachment 1.

Approximately 2% of the population is adopted, and between 50% and 80% of such children have attachment disorder symptoms[2]. Many of these children are violent[3] and aggressive[4] and as adults are at risk of developing a variety of psychological problems[5] and personality disorders, including antisocial personality disorder[6], narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and psychopathic personality disorder[7]. Neglected children are at risk of social withdrawal, social rejection, and pervasive feelings of incompetence[8]. Children who have histories of abuse and neglect are at significant risk of developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as adults[9]. Children who have been sexually abused are at significant risk of developing anxiety disorders (2.0 times the average), major depressive disorders (3.4 times average), alcohol abuse (2.5 times average), drug abuse (3.8 times average), and antisocial behavior (4.3 times average)[10] (MacMillian, 2001). The effective treatment of such children is a public health concern (Walker, Goodwin, & Warren, 1992).

Left untreated, children who have been abused and neglected and who have an attachment disorder become adults whose ability to develop and maintain healthy relationships is deeply damaged. Without placement in an appropriate permanent home and effective treatment, the condition will worsen. Many children with attachment disorders develop borderline personality disorder or anti-social personality disorder as adults[11].

So, what is a person to do? Is there effective treatment for disorders of attachment? The answer is yes; there is an effective treatment for disorders of attachment. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy[12] is an evidence-based treatment that has proven success treating attachment disorders[13]. Family therapy, individual therapy, play therapy, residential placements, and intensive outpatient treatment, among other treatments, are often used to treat attachment disorders. However, when compared with Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, these treatments proved to be ineffective. A follow-up study compared the effectiveness of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy and “usual care,” and found that Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy produced clinically and statistically significant improvements one year after treatment ended. The study was composed of 34 families receiving Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy and 30 families receiving “usual care.”

Before treatment/evaluation in both the treatment and control groups, Randolph Attachment Disorder Questionnaire scores and Child Behavior Checklist scale scores were elevated and in clinically significant ranges (more than two standard deviations above the mean for the CBCL). The extent and severity of these children’s disorder is underscored by the fact that 82% of the treatment group and 83% of the control-group subjects had received prior treatment using other methods. The average number of previous treatment episodes was 3.2 for the treatment group and 2.7 for the control group.

The results for the treatment-group were achieved among children aged six to fifteen years, averaging 9.4 years, who received an average of twenty-three sessions over eleven months. Results presented in Table 1 show clinically and statistically significant reductions in scores for the treatment group and Table 2 shows no change for the control group.

TABLE 1

Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy

N=34, df=33

measure

mean

Pre-test

SD

Pre-test

mean

Post-test

sd

Post-test

t-value

p value

CBCL Syndrome Scale Scores

Withdrawn

65

11.8

54

6.0

4.897

<.0001

Anxious/Depressed

62

10.5

58

8.1

2.665

.006

Social Problems

67

9.7

59

5.5

4.376

<.0001

Thought Problems

68

9.5

56

3.9

6.133

<.0001

Attention Problems

72

12.5

57

6.1

5.836

<.0001

Rule-Breaking Behavior

69

6.9

53

3.8

12.181

<.0001

Aggressive Behavior

71

9.1

55

4.5

10.576

<.0001

TABLE 2

“USUAL CARE” GROUP

N=30, df=29

measure

mean

Pre-test

SD

Pre-test

mean

Post-test

sd

Post-test

t-value

p value

CBCL Syndrome Scale Scores

Withdrawn

65

10.5

63

9.4

1.427

.16

Anxious/Depressed

62

10.6

60

10.3

1.060

.30

Social Problems

64

11.1

65

11.2

-0.854

.40

Thought Problems

63

8.6

62

8.1

0.984

.33

Attention Problems

68

11.9

66

1O.8

0.927

.36

Rule-Breaking Behavior

67

7.4

66

9.6

1.869

.07

Aggressive Behavior

70

10.2

68

9.4

0.919

.37

Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy is effective because of its reliance on and development of affective attunement between therapist and child, caregiver and child, and therapist and caregiver. The process of maintaining affective attunement allows for dyadic regulation of affect between child and therapist so that the child feels a sense of safety and security and can experience the affect associated with past traumas, allowing for integration of these experiences rather than dissociation of the affect and memory. Furthermore, Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy’s significant involvement of caregivers in treatment facilitates the development of an affectively attuned relationship between the child and caregiver. An affectively attuned relationship may be described as a relationship in which the two persons are experiencing the same affect and that their affect co-varies. Within the safety of the attuned relationship the shame of past trauma and current misbehaviors are explored, experienced, and integrated. The caregiver-child interactions build on a dyadic affect regulation process that normally occurs during infancy and the toddler years. The child’s past traumatic history of abuse and neglect strongly suggests that such interaction, which facilitates a health attachment and a trusting and safe relationship, did not occur or occurred in an inadequate manner. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy facilitates the development of a healthy attachment between child and caregiver, enables the child to affectively trust the caregiver, and allows the child to secure comfort and safety from the caregiver.

This study examined the effects of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy on children with trauma-attachment disorders who meet the DSM IV criteria for Reactive Attachment Disorder, all of whom were either adopted or in foster care. A treatment group composed of thirty-four subjects and a usual care group composed of thirty subjects was compared. All children were between the ages of five and sixteen when the study began. Seven hypotheses were explored. It was hypothesized that Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy would reduce the symptoms of attachment disorder, aggressive and delinquent behaviors, social problems and withdrawal, anxiety and depressive problems, thought problems, and attention problems among children who received Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy. Significant reductions were achieved in all measures studied. The results were achieved in an average of twenty-three sessions over eleven months. These findings continued for an average of 1.1 years after treatment ended for children between the ages of six and fifteen years. There were no changes in the usual care-group subjects, who were re-tested an average of 1.3 years after the evaluation was completed. The results are particularly salient since 82% of the treatment-group subjects and 83% of the usual care-group subjects had previously received treatment with an average of 3.2 prior treatment episodes. This past history of unsuccessful treatment further underscores the importance of these results in demonstrating the effectiveness and efficacy of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy as a treatment for children with trauma-attachment problems. In addition, 53% of the usual care-group subjects received “usual care” but without any measurable change in the outcome variables measured. Children with trauma-attachment problems are at significant risk of developing severe disorders in adulthood such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and other personality disorders.

This study supports several of O’Connor & Zeanah’s[14] conclusions and recommendations concerning treatment. They state (p. 241), “treatments for children with attachment disorders should be promoted only when they are evidence-based.” The results of this study are a beginning toward that end. While there are a number of limitations to this study, given the severity of the disorders in question, the paucity of effective treatments, and the desperation of caregivers seeking help, it is a step in the right direction. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy is not a coercive therapy, which can be dangerous. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy provides caregiver support as an integral part of its treatment methodologies. Finally, Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy uses a multimodal approach built around affect attunement.

Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.

Director

Center For Family Development

5820 Main Street, suite 406

Williamsville, NY 14221

[1] Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D., Attachment disorganization: unresolved loss, relational violence and lapses in behavioral and attentional strategies. In Cassidy, J. & Shaver, P., (Eds.) Handbook of Attachment. pp 520-554, NY: Guilford Press, 1999.

Solomon, J. & George, C. (Eds.). Attachment Disorganization. NY: Guilford Press, 1999.

Main, M. & Hesse, E. Parents’ Unresolved Traumatic Experiences are related to infant disorganized attachment status. In Greenberg, M.T., Ciccehetti, D., & Cummings, E.M. (Eds.) Attachment in the Preschool Years: Theory, Research, and Intervention, pp.161-182, Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1990.

Carlson, E.A. (1988). A prospective longitudinal study of disorganized/disoriented attachment. Child Development 69, 1107-1128.

[2] Carlson, V., Cicchetti, D., Barnett, D., & Braunwald, K. (1995). Finding order in disorganization: Lessons from research on maltreated infants’ attachments to their caregivers. In D. Cicchetti & V. Carlson (Eds), Child Maltreatment: Theory and research on the causes and consequences of child abuse and neglect (pp. 135-157). NY: Cambridge University Press.

Cicchetti, D., Cummings, E.M., Greenberg, M.T., & Marvin, R.S. (1990). An organizational perspective on attachment beyond infancy. In M. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & M. Cummings (Eds), Attachment in the Preschool Years (pp. 3-50). Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

[3] Robins, L.N. (1978) Longitudinal studies: Sturdy childhood predictors of adult antisocial behavior. Psychological Medicine,. 8, 611-622.

[4] Prino, C.T. & Peyrot, M. (1994) The effect of child physical abuse and neglect on aggressive withdrawn, and prosocial behavior. Child Abuse and Neglect, 18, 871-884.

[5] Schreiber, R. & Lyddon, W. J. (1998) Parental bonding and Current Psychological Functioning Among Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 45, 358-362.

[6] Finzi, R., Cohen, O., Sapir, Y., & Weizman, A. (2000). Attachment Styles in Maltreated Children: A Comparative Study. Child Development and Human Development, 31, 113-128.

[7] Dozier, M., Stovall, K.C., & Albus, K. (1999) Attachment and Psychopathology in Adulthood. In J. Cassidy & P. Shaver (Eds.). Handbook of Attachment (pp. 497-519). NY: Guilford Press.

[8] Finzi, R., Cohen, O., Sapir, Y., & Weizman, A. (2000). Attachment Styles in Maltreated Children: A Comparative Study. Child Development and Human Development, 31, 113-128.

[9] Allan, J. (2001). Traumatic Relationships and Serious Mental Disorders. NY: John Wiley.

Andrews, B., Varewin, C.R., Rose, S., & Kirk (2000). Predicting PTSD symptoms in Victims of Violent Crime. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 109, 69-73.

[10] MacMillian, H.L. (2001). Childhood Abuse and Lifetime Psychopathology in a Community Sample. American Journal of Psychiatry, 158, 1878-1883.

[11] Allan, J. Traumatic Relationships and Serious Mental Disorders, NY: Wiley, 2001.

Andrews, B., Varewin, C.R., Rose, S. & Kirk. Predicting PTSD symptoms in Victims of Violent Crime. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, vol. 109, 69-73, 2000.

[12] Becker-Weidman, A., & Shell, D., (Eds.) (2005) Creating Capacity for Attachment: Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy in the Treatment of Trauma-Attachment Disorders. OK: Woods N Barnes publishing.

[13] Becker-Weidman, A., (2005) Treatment for Children with Trauma-Attachment Disorders: Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal. Vol. 12 #6, December.

[14] O’Connor, T., & Zeanah, C., (2003) Attachment Disorders: Assessment strategies and treatment approaches. Attachment & Human Development, 5, 223-245.

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