Fear of borderline personality disorder

PS maybe it is better for your children if you have them with this sufferer, if you take them out of this toxic situation whether the person is a psychopath or a borderline. This is terrible but you sound like very hopeless person. You have my thoughts.

I am so upset to see all these comments people telling each other to get away fron us bpds….we are people too you know, our skin may not be as thick and our reactions to situations might be a tad diff to those non bpds…but to run way from situations because of an illness is one thing I am oroud to ay I do not do….you people bring shame in yourselves….ugh

I have a beloved parent who I think may have BPD. I love this parent alot. It is not me who steps away from our relationship, but the parent, who hates me for non-reasons, such as not knowing how to operate the channel changer, and this leads to a huge blow out of screaming at me for the entirety of her time in my home – several days; Or another relative saying something that no one else in the world would consider an insult, and the BDP person’s anger builds, and then I am requested to repair the problem which I was not present at and do not know what really happened, and the result is again, screaming at me for days that I don’t protect my parent. This has gone on my entire adult life, but not in my childhood – apparently when this parent of mine discovered that I now controlled my own life, the raging set in at me. The relationship is 98% good and nice, and then wham! I say or do something that no one in the world would consider wrong and it is almost like demon posession – the anger, the screaming, the length of time I am either yelled at or fully ignored. Entire vacations have been ruined because of this; Moving back to my hometown was very financially costly for me and I did it because I wanted so much to be near my parent, but in the end I had to move to another city because these episodes occurred on a smaller scale on a weekly basis and then epic ‘blowouts’ also occurred, one finally resulting in my immediate decision to move away again. This move in turn led to wonderful visits to me that turned into nightmares, not occasionally, but with every visit. I looked so forward to my parent visiting me and we got along beautifully for a few days and then wham! and I was ignored for days while my parent shut the guest room door and refused to have anything to do with me over confusion about a tv show lineup, or not having a beer in the house at 11:45 pm while I was up to my elbows in dirty dish water and could not grab the rag fast enough to dry off and rush to the 24 hour grocery to get some beer – insantiy. The last blowout occurred last year over my own child’s religious ceremony, which everyone in the family was invited to attend. Instead of focusing on my own child however, the “wham-blowout!” occurred and we sat in the ceremony thinking not of my beautiful child, but of the anger radiation out from my parent, who continued the onslaught after the ceremony. I finally, not knowing what else to do, found other loging for this beloved parent, who now accuses me of ‘eviction’. Needless to say this visit ended nicely because after several days of cooling off, I took my children to ‘visit’ for an hour to say goodbye, and the next day took the beloved parent out for an hour to shop around. Wanting to make up, the beloved parent offered to host a goodbye dinner, but I declined, because last time this supposed ‘make-up’ time occurred, my spouse was taken aside and told awful things about me, that left me with a final parting gift – a 3 week argument with my spouse. My beloved parent had warned me during one of the ‘blow-outs’ that this time, my spouse would certainly leave me after the awful things my parent planned to say about me (all of course lies, but planned lies that were disclosed to me in advance so that I could shudder about the avalanch/volcano that was supposed to implode upon me at any given moment should I not remain statue still, obedient and worshipful toward the beloved parent. I finally resolved after several decades of this behavior that I do not need to endure this behavior any longer, which does not mean I have to disconnect from my beloved parent fully. I just set up very strong boundaries. From here forth, I will not ever again stay in the home of my beloved parent – but when vacationing, I will visit for only brief amounts of time – should the mood shift, that’s my “q” to leave quickly and I will. Further, my beloved parent wanted to come down and visit me and I said no, not at my house. The ‘nicey-nice’ mood quickly changed to one that accused me of being mentally ill, angry and crazy; all the things I had suffered over several decades were ‘all made up’ and the beloved parent could not figure out why I would say such things about the beloved parent’s behavior. Of course now my beloved parent is not speaking to me (once again…not surprised about that), and has made plans to stay elsewhere in the city and has told me that I am forbidden to come and visit that place at all during the vacation time. I had to visit a psychiatrist about an upcoming weight loss surgery (required by insurance) and took that opportunity to ask what this behavior was and if it had a label. I was told it is highly possible that it is Borderline Personality Disorder, with Dissociate Amnesia (hence the ‘forgetfulness’ about the awful ranting, and the genuine belief that I had made all these awful things up about the beloved parent); also along with this BPD and the Dissociate Amnesia is linked to an Anger Disorder. Of course the Psychiatrist said he could only guess, because the patient was not there to speak with, and advised me not to have company before my surgery since, after the last visit, I felt like I had been slugged in the stomach and felt nautious thinking about how I was treated for 8 months, and certainly had no time to heal emotionally prior to a huge change in my life that I have planned. Of course, now that I have told my beloved parent that they can not stay in my home, again the focus is not on my plans, but on this person’s rage at me for setting up a limit on how much of this behavior I can take. Yes I love my parent very, very much. But yes, over the years I have slowly had to draw back farther and farther from a relationship from a parent I love with all my heart, someone who never acted like this in childhood (except maybe a couple of times, but not regularly). Again the focus is not on me, or the person who should be in the spotlight, but on the rage of this parent, who wants so much to be central to my life but whose rage takes the stage every time for several decades. I only wish that when this person dies, we are on speaking terms, but I worry alot that this person will die and will die in rage at me. I have finally discovered that there may be a ‘lable’ to this insane behavior and so I forgive my parent with all my heart without coming near enough to be raged at. I have of course moved out of town twice because of this behavior, and after enduring outrageous explosions during visits have made a personal decison to never vacation inside their home again, but nearby and ‘just visit’; and I have made it clear that although we can enjoy one another’s company, they can not stay in my ‘safe-zone’ (my home) either. Further, my spouse is completely off limits and will likely never accompany me to my beloved parent’s home again, even if we stay in a nearby hotel or some other relatives home. My spouse is simply “working” and “can’t make it this time”. My duty thus far is not to further enrage or bring hurt feelings to this person, but to stay a distance so I don’t get hurt any more. I also want to keep up these ultimatums until this beloved parent seeks psychological help, which I doubt will ever occur, but which I can continue to re-state as my grounds for self-protection, in that, until I have knowledge of the doctor that is helping my parent, and can call this doctor when a rage breaks out towards me, there can not be any “staying together” for vacation purposes. I have to have someone I can gain assistance from when these rages take place. period, no options in this. And if my beloved parents refuses, then it is the parent’s behavior – I give back my parent’s behavior to my parent, and I have chosen not to try to “fix” this any longer. It is not my fault, it is not mine to fix because I am not a psychologist, and it is not my therapy to pay for. The only thing I can do is stay away if I don’t have some help with this from a trained psychologist who can step in and rescue me and my parent from these rages of ‘nothing’. I refuse to walk on egg shells any longer which means that while egg shells are on the path to this loved one, I can not walk this path. This hurts me deeply and any time my parent wants to repair this, I am fully ready to repair the relationship to a degree of communication we can both enjoy. I doubt I will ever stay in that parent’s home again with my children and will likely never bring my spouse in the vicinity of that parent. Further, I will plan family events/ceremonies such that the parent does not arrive until a few hours before the ceremony, and will not see that parent until the ceremony is over – and yes, that parent will certainly be angry/explosive/raging about it, but that is not my problem or my fault any more, nor can I fix that emotional response from the parent toward me for wanting to protect myself and the things I plan – it is alway slike this and never changes for me. I feel sorry that I can’t have a closer relationship with a parent I love with all my heart, but I can not fix this and the parent does not want to fix it. Until my parent chooses to see someone and give me their number so I have someone to call for help, I will have to stand my grounds. My question, to end all of this is, since I informed my parent recently that they can not come and stay at my home, the parent told me they would be happy to accompany me to the psychologist to uncover my extreem anger problem (I dont’ have one, but they can not face their own responsibility in this, and the psychiatrist said this is the Dissociate Amnesia in the whole thing – my parent can not ‘remember’ what rages occurred), and so now I am not being spoken to (splitting behavior: I was good, now I am evil); Do I write my parent a letter telling what the psychiatrist said was wrong and encourage this parent to go get help? In reference to the recently passed vacation that led up to this decison, I did send a print out of anger-disorder, which was fully ignored an turned around on me, so as much as I want to tell my parent what is wrong with their behavior, I kind of think it will just be ignored and later used to threaten me that I am the one with the disorder and this false ‘information’ used against me in some way. If I let the information go, there can be no chance of my parent seeking help; if I send the information, it would of course lead to further raging, possibly ignoring the information, and possibly using the information to rage against me even more as well as somehow planning to further punnish me somehow. I am weary of this raging, so I have disconnected for a time. And of course my surgery, which was central stage is now on the back burner, because this parent wanted to ‘come visit’ before my surgery and now wants to come visit and ‘ignore me in full’ because I am so awful as to say not to come stay in my home since I don’t want to endure the raging hate that comes against me for something as simple as not knowing how to run T-Vo. What is my responsibility to this parent? I am just lost about what I owe my parent informationally, and how to offer this information, which I wish could lead to healing, but which I know may lead instead to further punnishment toward me. And again, my ‘big event’ is overshadowed by an angry parent, same as last year when my beloved child had a beautiful ceremony that of course was pushed out of center stage so the rage of the beloved parent could be central to everyone’s attention. I am hurting for many decades on this. How do I defend myself? How do I help my parent get well from this? And how do I continue in a relationship with someone who always breakes out in a rage against me? Please let me know what you think. Thank you.