Does My Girlfriend Have Borderline Personality Disorder ?

It’s rather disturbing that many of the people on this site seem to confuse or even conflate symptoms with diagnoses.

If I go to my doctor and say that I have been feeling nauseous and vomiting for a couple of days, they could potentially conclude either that I have a gastric bug or that I’m pregnant. Two very different diagnoses, from a single set of symptoms. Of course, the diagnosis must be made in conjunction with a closer look at the context of the symptoms e.g. what other symptoms present themselves? Is it plausible that I might be pregnant? So the actual diagnosis is based on, ultimately, identification of the bug that’s afflicting me, or a positive pregnancy test.
 
Going back to first principles (something that many on this site really have lost sight of), a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (as per the DSM-IV, to take one example) is based on at least 5 of the following characteristics being exhibited by an individual, simultaneously and continuously over a significant period of time (i.e. over a year), and in a variety of contexts (not just in a single situation or relationship):
1.      Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2.      A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.      Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4.      Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5.      Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6.      Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.      Chronic feelings of emptiness
8.      Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9.      Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
Aside from threats of suicide, the above questionnaire does not test for any of the above.
Frequently on this site, people (usually men) make reference to their partner’s behaviour without explaining any context for that behaviour. People do not act, think or feel in a vacuum. There is always cause and effect, even if you believe a person to be genuinely mentally ill (in which case the cause may be more convoluted or less intuitive than what you’re used to, but there’s always still a root cause for any behaviour). In many of the situations, what other factors are at play? Is the person under particular stress at the time, due to family problems perhaps, or work-related stress? Are they depressed? What factors might be affecting their depression? Is the relationship itself perhaps a cause of this stress? What impact does the partner’s action or behaviour have on the person? Many of the men on this site portray themselves as innocent, uncomprehending victims. It’s hard not to believe that much is not being told about the true circumstances.
Finally – the implication that a woman who is sexually uninhibited must have something seriously wrong with her is offensive to the point of being misogynistic.

On the topic of cause and effect that Dido mentions there is a rather good paragraph in "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman which goes to heart of why a BPD sufferer can be driven to rages, tantrums other extremes of behaviour which simply would happen to a non-sufferer in the same circumstances.
",,,there is a paradoxical result from intense, sustained emotional abuse, including cruel, sadicstic threats, humuiliations, and plain meaness. Children who endure such auise can become hyperalert to the emotions of those around them, in what amounts to a post-traumatic vigilance to cues that have signaled a threat. Such as obsessive preoccupation with the feelings of others is typical of psychologically abused children who in adulthood suffer the mrecurial, intense emotional ups and down that are sometimes diagnosed as "borderline personality disorder." Many such people are gifted in sensing what others around them are feeling, and it is quite common for them to report having suffered emotional abuse in childhood."
Perhaps part of the problem for BPD sufferrs in acknowledging they have a problem that they need to deal with, is a difficulty realising that where they see a blazing 3-D technicolor world of seething emotions the rest of humanity sees the world in a more muted 2-D tones. The problem of differing perception is equally shared by non-BPD suffers. They only see the extreme outward behaviour and fail to appreciate how the most trivial or inconsequential of words or facial expressions can cause the BPD sufferer to blow up.
Cause and effect – drop a glass of water and the carpet gets wet, drop a glass of nitro-glycerine and the whole room explodes. Same cause very different effect but most people aren't used to carry around glasses of nitro.

"Rather than relying on cutting and pasting from the Wikipedia …"

Ouch, that was really rude and uncalled for. Dido just quoted the DSM criteria, and she's also right. I think you present some really interesting questions to ask, and there are a lot of tools out there (diagnostic checklists, etc) that are floating around the Internet. However, at the end of the day, a clinical diagnosis of BPD is made by a psychiatrist (with support from a psychologist, although not required), and they depend on the DSM criteria, not these checklists.
I think many of these books are good for pointing someone in the right direction, but shouldn't be relied on. The core of BPD diagnosis and management are the DSM criteria and appropriate diagnosis and management by a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist can also provide advice to friends and family of how to deal with BPD people in their life. While self-help is good, many of these books, such as the one you mention Godfrey, can be unreliable and used as a substitute for professional help, when can lead to more harm than good.
I think that's what Dido meant by returning to core principles.

I agree with Robert. I don't think that Dido was 'quoting from the Wikipedia as though that makes her some kind of expert.' In a discussion where the initial post was based on wildly subjective and emotive (and ill-informed) criteria, she's just pointing out that we need to keep the original diagnostic criteria in mind. If we can't bring the DSM criteria, quoted from wikipedia or elsewhere, into a rational discussion of BPD, then we're not talking about BPD.
Godfrey, for all your talk of sympathetic approaches, you've also taken a very emotional and subjective stance elsewhere on this site where you've recommended 'getting out' and 'avoiding all contact'. These are not the actions of a sympathetic person towards a loved one.
As someone who has a close family member with BPD symptoms, I'd say these are two sure-fire ways of bringing out even stronger symptoms in that person, and no truly compassionate or caring person would behave in such a manner towards a loved one.

I don't want to get into an argument here, but it seems to me like a lot of people here are making excuses for people with BPD. People with BPD hurt a lot of people around them. Everyone, as a matter of fact. It's really hard to defend them and as someone with ex'es with BPD, they are addictive too. Lots of the other guys and girls on this site have said that they have had multiple relationships with BPD people its easy to see why. They're pretty easy to fall in love with and then it all goes sour once theyve snared you in. For me it was like an addiction. I love how intense the relationships are but then they always turn out the same. It's like a game to them. They don't care about how they destroy someone's life if only they get that short rush out of it.

I’ve been researching BPD lately as my girlfriend of nearly three years and I recently broke up. I guess I’m trying to categorize her consistently bad behavior in an attempt to understand why we had so many problems. For sure, her past wasn’t completely in the past (two divorces, the second three years before i met her and she didn’t date until me)and to her own acknowledgement, she wasn’t ready to be enter a serious relationship, but went ahead anyway because we hit it off. Anyway, she could be highly critical, demanding, and intolerant of little happenstances. She could become very argumentative, defensive, and incapable of accepting fault and placed unrealistic standards on people in general. She would explain how she would do things in an attempt to train me to do things her way. She was at times interrogative, distrustful, as if looking for faults and/or deceptiveness. She was a neat freak too, obsessed with tasks, plus operated with a methodical manner, saw everything as black and white. She would often walk away in mid argument, grab her bags and leave my apartment. She would often times threaten to break up, and a few times she did. She could have tantrums, anger outbursts, and point the finger blaming. She blamed me for most of the problems in the relationship too. She had difficulty communicating effectively too and often times retreated to justifying and defending and use “tick for tack” methods. She would have times of sincere valuing of me, but then severe devaluing of me. She could contradict/deny my opinions and feelings. On the other hand she could be very generous, loving, kind, and giving. She could be very friendly, outgoing, and a lot of fun. But overall, her moods were inconsistent and results based. It was often very difficult to please her and it was difficult to use logic and reason in conflict resolution.

She hits on about 4 of the 9, so perhaps she would fall under the diagnosis radar, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have enough BPD for it to cause serious problems in close relationships. True, some of her problems came from being damaged from failed marriages and never receiving proper therapy and I believe this, along with her periodic rigid and harsh personality made her a nightmare to be with at times and made our relationship very volatile. With me, she had the ease of becoming impulsively angry (drop a french fry in her car and get slammed) cutting off communication and hence, cutting off emotionally.