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Tagged as: bad parenting, bpd child, BPD is caused by poor parenting, parenting
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David A, I read your commentary on parental alienation. Did you know that alienation goes hand in hand with abusers of every stripe? It an aspect in play for every abuser. Not just parental ones. All abusers seek ways to invalidate and alienate the victim from any form of support. That includes badmouthing them, turning family against them, convincing people they are “crazy” or (in the most ironic hypocrisy ever) abusive. All this is done to blacken the image of their victim so that they are cut off from others who would otherwise support them. Abuse is often a behind closed doors affair, where the abuse remains a secret to all but the victim herself/himself. It is common for family members to be manipulated into protecting the abuser and blaming the victim. Children would be especially vulnerable to this. Alienation is present in all cases of abuse. Be it spousal abuse, child abuse, or abuse in the workplace. The victim is often all alone and suffers in silence. Everyone else has been groomed, manipulated into thinking the worst of the victim. Therefore the abuser’s maltreatment gets justified. The surrounding people don’t see the abuse for what it is, and start to justify it to themselves. The abuser has to ensure their victim is as alienated as possible for this to occur. Its a tactic all abusers use against their victim. It guarantees everyone will be on their side, and they’ll never have to face consequences for their abusive treatment of another human being. These patterns are so predicatable. Abusers all read from the same rulebook.
Thank you for posting your experience. These are the sort of horrors that need to be exposed in the light. Its so hard to deal with, but keeping it a secret, struggling with it in silence, only enables this disgusting behavior. Exposing the truth in the open is the only way to cure this type of monster.
I cannot help but wonder what your exact qualifications for pontificating with such authority on an extremely complex, socially-stigmatized, and unexplored disorder are. Are you appealing to the sentiment of Whoopi Goldberg’s character in “Girl, Interrupted” when she states that Susanna is a “spoiled, self-indulgent little girl who is driving herself crazy?” If so, you should remember that Goldberg’s character said something to that effect in real life in the 1960s… You’re dating yourself with your attitude. I’d like to see your credentials in either psychiatry, psychology, or social work. Otherwise, good luck parenting your own child, and try not to exacerbate the stigma placed on individuals who suffer terribly from the effects of neglect, parental absence, extreme sensitivity, and childhood abandonment. Perhaps you are angry about bearing the brunt of a BPD’s wrath, and you have convinced yourself that an easy explanation–one whose root lies in the concept of excessively “good” treatment of a child–is acceptable. Sadly, it’s not. Nor does it gel with any of the expert theories, varied as they may be, concerning a “cause” of the disorder.
My wife suffers from BPD and her parents were decent and loving. Medicine has helped my wife and I truly believe it is chemical
Leana,
Thanks for your comments. You are spot on. I agree that Parental Alienation is one manifestation of a broader phenomenon among those with high-conflict personality disorders like bpd.
Not surprisingly my ex spouse had a history of being abused as a child. Her mother was sexually abusive, was diagnosed with some sort of mental disorder, and eventually lost custody. Her father was an alcoholic. She had a tumultuous adolescence including a suicide attempt for which she was hospitalized. She had a previous high-conflict marriage that ended shortly after it began.
During our marriage, the raging was frequent, and the children were always taught that Mommy only yells because Daddy makes her do it. My viewpoint was always invalidated. Although my kids still loved me, and we were still close, they always thought of me as the “lesser” parent, and they knew that if they wanted stability in the home they needed to appease their mother not their father.
Now that we are divorced my kids have been taught by their mother that their love must not be divided. This is the essence of Parental Alienation. It reminds me of the story of King Solomon. Two women came to him, each claiming that an infant was her own. Since neither had proof, Solomon threatened to cut the baby in half and give each woman a half. “No!” cried one of the women, and pleaded with the king to give the baby to the other woman, who stood silent. King Solomon knew that the woman who spoke was the true mother.
I HAVE Borderline Personality Disorder
COULD ANYONE GIVE GIVE ME COPE SKILLS
PLEASE
I find this really interesting actually. I’ve known two borderlines. One was horribly abused. One was terribly spoiled. I think that spoiling is abusive to children and I can see how both would cause this disorder – and so do their psychologists.
I would bet that its rare for children to be spoiled to the point that this would happen (but I do know someone, who was treated exactly like these parents while her siblings were treated more normally and they are normal). I would imagine that abuse that is that bad is probably more common than spoiling to that extreme.
Its like NPD. Narcissists could have been criticized too much by their parents or praised too much, although one of those is frequently more common than the other. But that doesn’t mean that they both don’t cause the disorder.
Thank you for this article. It put a lot of light on a problem I am going through right now with my boyfriend’s younger sister. I think both options are true….disorders aren’t caused by one issue alone! This helps.
Obviously you have not indulged in recent research on the disorder because you would also know that trauma is a large component to the disorder along with a genetic predisposition to becoming borderline. There also appears to be a chemical imbalance that happens in the brain that causes some of the characteristics of the disorder.
I personally have borderline personality disorder and I was not spoiled as a child and didn’t get everything I wanted. I actually was a very shy, sensitive child who asked for little. I also was constantly emotionally abused by my father. The constant trauma has greatly affected how I am now as an adult. Remember, this is a PERSONALITY disorder. My sister has a different personality that is not nearly as sensitive and actually doesn’t care about things as much as I do and she did not develop the disorder. We were parented the same way in the same household. I have developed a very depressive-anxious personality and with the help of anti-anxiety medication and a mood stabilizer I actually am doing fairly well, so I do believe the portion of research that points to chemical imbalances.
And as for anyone who is looking for help in coping with the disorder I recommend picking up a book on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy by Marsha Linehan. DBT is the coping skill set developed for treating BPD. I have learned DBT with my therapist and am doing quite well.
After more than twenty years of working with children, teens and parents it is clear to me that parenting plays a role of paramount importance in the way kids turn out.
Of course there are both nature and nurture components. And there are certainly legitimately genetic components of the psychiatrically ill individuals such as schizophrenics who need extensive help.
However, ‘bad’ parenting can be defined in ways that a parent may not recognize in him or herself (so won’t report it). For example, birth order affects parenting–you may raise two kids differently because of their birth order, which could explain why one turns out to be a nicer person than the other.
Emotional or material overindulgence may have a significantly negative impact on a child, without a parent feeling like he or she is being a ‘bad’ parent. In fact, quite the opposite–a parent might feel like they are giving a child everything, when in fact they are raising a child who will eventually become an adult with no frustration tolerance, little appreciation, no work ethic, difficulty being independent and with expectations that no-one can fulfill–a mean, disgruntled and dissatisfied adult.
Bad parenting can take many forms, that to the parent engaging in it, looks and feels like good parenting, until their child is an adult. Then, the evidence is suddenly unmistakable. But it might just be easier to blame genetics!
Please forgive me for my naivety, I think I might have BPD but have not been officially diagnosed.
I personally find your posts offensive and discouraging, and for articles aimed at a target audience prone to emotional instability, hypersensitivity, victimisation and selfharm/ abuse I would say that under the more darker of my experiences you could serious tip a BPD or other going through intense mental/emotional suffering to tip the edge.
Saying that the very friends, family and love that people with BPD need and yearn for should remove themselves from a ‘toxic’ person is despicable. This is a mental disorder, whereby victims feel intense self hatred, shame, emptiness, loneliness on a daily basis.
I cannot agree with Sara more, and I sincerely thank her for the response for it has partially amended the great hurt from the words in some of your other posts. You need to move on from the issues with your mother, not all BPD cases derive from bad parenting or being spoilt and to put yourself in a position to make a definitive argument about the cause of such a tender disorder makes you look like another idiot with a shit opinion on the internet.
Otherwise, this site is okay just you spoil it.
Nicole….are you Sara? LOL You both personally attack the author in the same manner. Your insults have nothing whatsoever to do with the ideas and experiences brought forth. This is a blog where people comment on our experiences and share them to promote understanding. Yes, theories are put out there. If you disagree or have alternate theories, please feel free to share them. There is no need to feel insulted or threatened and go into personal attack mode. You avoided the actual content the writer addressed and instead put your energy into trashing her personally. Very immature.
Instead of automatically going on the defensive, being offended when clearly no personal offense was meant, and becoming discouraged why don’t you learn something from whats shared here? Gain a little insight from others experiences and perhaps you’ll learn something about yourself in the process that you weren’t aware of.
I’m sure the author, like most people here, wrote what she did with the intent to share and promote understanding of a difficult disorder which most people find uncomfortable to talk about. There are many aspects of this disorder in fact, that people would rather not face. Not just BPDs, but people who live with them as well. But she clearly put a lot of thought into her commentary, had plenty of experience living and dealing with BPD shenanigans, and the intent was to understand and deal with it head on. No where did she personally denigrate anyone. The intent was to help, give insight, share. Not mindlessly insult for the sake of insulting. That my dear, was all you.
Unless of course you still stand by your comments that the author’s age invalidates her ideas? We don’t know her age, yet based on your personal dig we’ve learned that You are old enough to know that movie, and that according to you, that makes your opinion invalid, since you are “so dated.” Or do you still stand by your sentiment that no one can possibly raise their children properly without advanced degrees in psychology, psychiatry, and social work? No one can comment on their experiences or life without such advanced official degrees? Really? Some people have loads of personal real life experience and knowledge that comes not from the distance of a third party official view backed by others people’s theories, but by real life experience up close and personal. To attempt to disparage this person’s experience by flinging personal insults out of the air, is what it is. Your comments are illogical, rude, and done purely for the sake of insulting. We learn nothing from your comments. You bring nothing valuable to the table. People insult like this when the truth gets a little too close to home.
There’s no call for it and there’s no integrity behind it.
Hi, Today was the first time I’ve heard about Borderline Personality Disorder and it floored me. I was looking for help for my daughter and someone asked me to google BPD and it was like they wrote an article about her but sadly the article is about me too. Having grown up in an abusive household and went through every abuse there is, I thought I was suffering from PTSS. This forum explains so much about what I do and what my daughter does. My heart aches when I think of all the years that I’ve lost and the damage I’ve done; and now to know that she is going through the same thing tears me apart. I have been seeing a therapist for 8 yrs and today was the first time BPD was mentioned and only because I was saying I could no longer handle having my daughter use me as her punching bag, knowing no matter what she says or does I will not walk away as so many family and friends have with her. I watch her life and it’s like I’m watching a movie of my life and don’t much like watching it in rerun and not being able to stop it. With this new information, I’m hoping I can now get the tools I need to help her but to also help myself. Thank you all for being there to help me realize that I’m not alone and I’m not the monster in her or my own nightmares.
Because of this site I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s the sun and not a freight train.
Thank you all for helping me see that light and I’m hoping that I will be able to ask questions here or get advice on how to change my behaviors and how to help her too
Yes I stand by nobody being able to properly raise children without degrees in psychology, psychiatry and social work. We should probably take them all from their parents in Seattle right now before any more damage is done.
We gave our sons every support a child should have in the formative years: financially, emotionally, ethically, academically, athletically, socially and morally. Lived in a lovely house in the country. Went to a good elementary school, middle school and excellent high school. Both went to college. We were very close to both sons. Both had beautiful weddings. Both married, now with children in colleges. One of our daughter-in-laws was the 4th child of 5 . Mother divorced before she was born. Father never in the house. Mother from another country, 3 small children at home, new baby girl, in 1963, very little gov’t help. Had no skills, no job, age 36, no money. Did not want this baby! Her mother told me 1 yr before she married my son, what a difficult stubborn always crying child she was. I knew my DIL and her mother had conflicts as my DIL had eluded to that many times, but I always tried to point out how difficult a time it must have been for her Mother.
I yr after they married this loving daughter-in-law turned into a monster to my husband and me? Went from loving to not speaking to us. We were held hostage because of 2 grandsons, didn’t want to lose our son or his sons……..so walked on egg shells whenever we were in her company. She has single handedly come between her husband(our son) and his brother and has made life nearly unbearable for us. Last January 2011 after having a meeting and listening to her rudeness, and insults and dillusional way of thinking, yet once again, I finally figured it all out 2 weeks later! I turned to the internet after thinking, “no one in their right mind would have done this to a family”??? Right mind was the operative word! I had believed that she was just a difficult child? I then recalled much of what each of them had told me about each other and the light came on! I typed in Mother daughter relationships and in the search came upon BPD. After reading about BPD for the entire day and after having lived through the last 15 yrs. of NOTHING ever making any sense to me, with no reason ever given as to why she had turned on us, and after being the complete opposite of her mother and being 73 yrs old…………you better believe I don’t need an MA Degree or a PHD to put it all together to finally complete this insane puzzle. Our DIL is the poster child for BPD! I could on and on about what her childhood must have been like ….think about it, not even being wanted from in UTERO! Not only abandoned by one parent but by two as her Mother was present but only physically. 4 children from ages 5 to newborn! our DIL was hurt to the very core of her being. When I realized what the problem has been and why it took me so long to figure it out I sobbed so deeply my chest hurt……..for my DIL. As of yet there has been little change though. But at least I know she is not some evil demon.
So all of you who have not experienced this nightmare maybe you should just keep your mouths closed before you remove all doubt that you don’t know what you’re talking about!
P.S. Our son deeply loves her, but then again ………..so did we! I’ll keep you posted.
Icemaze, you started off strong in your explanation to Nicole, but the criticism grew harsh at the end. As a recovering BPD, some days are better than others. On a good day, I can breathe in, express gratitude for my progress, laugh at myself for taking things seriously. On a bad day, people around me meet the wicked witch. I don’t like that person. I hate that my fear/aggression response still comes out, but I work very hard to make changes. I’m in therapy, take medication and make amends when I act out. This has been an 8-year process…an ongoing journey. I would trade with a “non” in a heartbeat; however, that’s not reality.
I was raised by a BPD and an NPD in a terribly abusive environment. I have two younger sisters who turned out “non”. I had children prior to knowing about BPD and have relied heavily on specialists to teach me what normal looks like, because I have no clue. I now hope for the best for my children.
I just wanted to say that my parents were amazing. They loved me so much and gave me every opportunity a kid could want. They were definitely not the reason I have BPD.
It’s not always caused by poor parenting. I had a great childhood, and wonderful parents. Unfortunately I’ve also been diagnosed with PTSD, and it was that that cause the BPD, not my parents!
As a parent of someone who has been diagnosed with BPD, I find it offensive that a lot of the blame is being placed on the parents. I have always tried to treat my daughter with love understanding and fairness. But no matter how I would handle a situation, it was never good enough for her. The explosive temper would come out, or she’d isolate herself. Then came the drugs , running away and suicide attempts. I have spent countless dollars on finding a diagnosis for her, and finally after 7 doctors got a correct diagnosis. (thank god). The doctor told us that yes it can come from abuse, but it can also be the way the chemicals work in the brain. my daughter is the latter. Through therapy and meds she is slowly, I repeat, slowly, getting better.
No one is a perfect parent, we all make mistakes. But to place all the blame on “bad” parenting is wrong.
Yes, I think it is related to poor parenting. I was faced with a spouse who was diagnosed with BPD after I went to councelling and to be honest I had never heard of BPD, but I knew that something was very wrong and is a mental disorder created by the devil himself. You see, I was married to a woman with BPD for 12 months and we have broken up 15 times over this period, this being the 16th time and… now we are divorced!
There should be a picture of her in The Guinness Book of Records under C for the world’s greatest Con-Artist! Except her negative behaviour towards herself is getting worse and worse. If she carries on as she does she will end up killing herself. But she refuses to get treatment because she lives in a world of denial. Treatment would force her to face her demon: that demon is the fact that her father sexually assaulted her when she was a child but she denighs it ever happened. In fact, she goes nuts if anyone criterised her family in any way…in any way at all! For example: her sister came to our house when we married and a digital camera went missing and her sister was the only one who had the opportunity of stealing it. When I pointed this out she slapped my face…but on our Honeymoon in Bali when she was drunk she actually admitted she knows her sister stole it. Drunks can’t tell a lie when they are drunk. (habitual when sober, however!!) If I say, Your sister stole the camer my charming, intelligent and well spoken wife can turn into a monster…at the wink of an eye! The very Devil incarnate. When we first met she showed me her best, most charming side and I fell for it hook, line and sinker in fact. I really thought I had met my perfect match…my soul mate. But I soon discovered that if she has a problem she takes off and goes on a drinking binge. She is a terrible alcoholic in fact, and her drinking binges are the reason we have slit so often. Alcohol numbs the pain she feels deep inside and is intolerable. I say “Don’t worry, be happy!”, but she can’t. She worries about even the smallest of things. and tries to blame others, especially me as I’m closest. If something goes wrong, which it often does when you are constantly drunk, she always puts the blame on others, never herself…in her mind she is Royalty…and then in a blink she hates herself… BPD can be sumed up in three words: denial, denial, and denial.. and she really had me fooled at first that I was doing something wrong. I’m no dummy, but she convinced me that it really was all my fault. But I have something to compare which brings me back to reality with a BUMP! You see, I was previously very happily married to a Japanese woman… for almost 20 years… who passed away with cancer 5 years ago or I’d still be married to her! My BPD wife continually told me that I was “difficult” to get on with…”all your fault!” I had to make a retake in my mind and I honestly replied “My first wife NEVER said that about my personality, EVER!”. In fact quite the reverse. I really was an easy going personality when I first met my wife, but she treated me like a doormat and I began to change. I was a calm, patient and happy person when I first met my BPD wife 15 months ago. It feels like 15 years ago to be honest as I have had to put up with so much shit from her. I have become a worried, trembling, nervous and bad tempered person. I really do feel a lot of empathy for her. But let me tell you, this is the tactic of people with BPD. They will trade on your emotions, manipulate you until you actually begin to believe it IS all your fault! For example, she is the very worst flirt with other men, but if I say anything then it’s all my “imagination”, I shouldn’t be ” jealous” they are ” just friends and I’m being ridiculous”, it’s all my fault! She went off and had an affair for a week after only 7 months into the marriage, but it was my fault as I was not taking enough notice of her. My fault again! I foolishly took her back and the same scenario is repeating itself, again and again and again. I really couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get rid of this manipulative person. Why I couldn’t leave her! Well, the sex was nothing short of great and every time there was a bust up we would end up in bed and she’d convinced me that I was “difficult” and that she would forgive me if I bought her a new car, bought her land to build a house, paid for a new business venture, etc. The business venture she walked away from in just six weeks. All part of the unstable personality of the BPD persona. It was all my fault as I didn’t want her to succeed. My fault again!
In my heart I love this girl so deeply but I now understand it’s part of the manipulation. I really felt that there was something wrong at the very beginning of our relationship.There were alarm bells ringing in the back of my head but, as reasonably intelligent person I am, I couldn’t understand why I felt so worried and uneasy deep down inside. I would dismiss it thinking I was panicking for no logical reason. It was ME! Then I began to notice just how manipulative she was with other people to the point of almost hypnotising them, especially men, to do her bidding. It was a real interesting exercise to watch her at work.
I really couldn’t understand all this until I read the posts on this site and the parallels were astounding. So many points I read rang a bell in my mind. They are so close to my own experience that there’s no way it could be coincidence. My wife is a Borderline Personality without a doubt.
I have been telling myself that I have to get away from this monster but have been unable to do it so far. She has me locked into so many responsibilities that it’s hard to escape. But I now know I need to RUN like hell or I’m going to end up sick, broke or dead. My health is beginning to suffer and I got zero response from my wife when I ended up sick in bed. I had been “overdoing things, getting emotional for no reason”, all my fault again!!!
I hope I can come through all this in one piece. I really am worried that I’ll never be able to break away because this “I hate you, don’t leave me” cycle people with BPD constantly go through is very powerful. One moment I’m a knight in shinning armour, we are made for each other. Next, I’m inadequate, not a man, weak, totally non understanding! My fault again.
So, if you are thinking of getting involved with a BPD partner watch out. You will be the loneliest and saddest person on this earth because the person you think loves you is just a facade. There isn’t anyone inside the shell. They may look and sound and even feel real at time. But these people are psychopathic, with no feeling for anyone but themselves! They are capable of anything and extremely dangerous, most especially if you are in love with them because they are totally unstable and lonely themselves, incapable of real love. When I said “Darling I love you” my wife always say: “I’m sick and tired of hearing you say that!” and “What is love?”
I hope I can save someone from a life of Hell and that the above is clear and understandable. Don’t waste your time with them, there’s no cure, not even your deepest love can cure them.. These people are Jekyll and Hide personalities and they can and will destroy your life!!!
I am 53 years old. My parents are in their 80′s and still alive. My two sisters, one older and from my moms first marriage and one younger. I am the middle child and my fathers first born. My mother suffers from NPD and my older sister is Borderline. The older sister has been a stranger to this family for many, many years. Until recently where she now realizes she can get into good graces with my parents by manipulating and turning family against family. She has a personal vendetta against me because she feels I bumped her out of position in the family. We have never been close and her jealousy has turned to pure evil. She is slowly but surely alienating me from the rest of the family and projecting her poor behaviors onto me. So for example instead of her addictions being hers she tells family members that I am the one with the addictions, I am the one who is lying, I am the one alienating her, I am the one calling others and badmouthing her, I am the one who is stealing my parents belongings, I am the one creating discord. I have stopped trying to help my parents which is what she wants so she can continue to steal from them without confrontation from other family members. Currently she is the only one who can see my mom. She has all of my moms belongings in her basement. She has all of my moms jewelry, access to her banks accounts and is kindly helping her spend 10,000 telling her she needs to get rid of it before she is eligible for elderly benefit assistance. She is falsely claiming them on her taxes as dependents. My mom will stay in her favor because as a NPD she has the emotional need. If I even speak my sisters name to make my parents aware of what she is doing my mother goes into a tirade screaming and yelling that it is me and I am obsessed with her and to leave her alone. So I am. I will leave her alone and allow my sister to take all of my mothers belongings, and use up what little money she has. It is abuse and I see I cannot do anything about it because my mother is afflicted with NPD and is almost asking for it. I am leaving them on their own ….maybe they will self destruct!
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