BPD is caused by poor parenting

I cannot help but wonder what your exact qualifications for pontificating with such authority on an extremely complex, socially-stigmatized, and unexplored disorder are. Are you appealing to the sentiment of Whoopi Goldberg’s character in “Girl, Interrupted” when she states that Susanna is a “spoiled, self-indulgent little girl who is driving herself crazy?” If so, you should remember that Goldberg’s character said something to that effect in real life in the 1960s… You’re dating yourself with your attitude. I’d like to see your credentials in either psychiatry, psychology, or social work. Otherwise, good luck parenting your own child, and try not to exacerbate the stigma placed on individuals who suffer terribly from the effects of neglect, parental absence, extreme sensitivity, and childhood abandonment. Perhaps you are angry about bearing the brunt of a BPD’s wrath, and you have convinced yourself that an easy explanation–one whose root lies in the concept of excessively “good” treatment of a child–is acceptable. Sadly, it’s not. Nor does it gel with any of the expert theories, varied as they may be, concerning a “cause” of the disorder.

Leana,

Thanks for your comments. You are spot on. I agree that Parental Alienation is one manifestation of a broader phenomenon among those with high-conflict personality disorders like bpd.

Not surprisingly my ex spouse had a history of being abused as a child. Her mother was sexually abusive, was diagnosed with some sort of mental disorder, and eventually lost custody. Her father was an alcoholic. She had a tumultuous adolescence including a suicide attempt for which she was hospitalized. She had a previous high-conflict marriage that ended shortly after it began.

During our marriage, the raging was frequent, and the children were always taught that Mommy only yells because Daddy makes her do it. My viewpoint was always invalidated. Although my kids still loved me, and we were still close, they always thought of me as the “lesser” parent, and they knew that if they wanted stability in the home they needed to appease their mother not their father.

Now that we are divorced my kids have been taught by their mother that their love must not be divided. This is the essence of Parental Alienation. It reminds me of the story of King Solomon. Two women came to him, each claiming that an infant was her own. Since neither had proof, Solomon threatened to cut the baby in half and give each woman a half. “No!” cried one of the women, and pleaded with the king to give the baby to the other woman, who stood silent. King Solomon knew that the woman who spoke was the true mother.

I find this really interesting actually. I’ve known two borderlines. One was horribly abused. One was terribly spoiled. I think that spoiling is abusive to children and I can see how both would cause this disorder – and so do their psychologists.

I would bet that its rare for children to be spoiled to the point that this would happen (but I do know someone, who was treated exactly like these parents while her siblings were treated more normally and they are normal). I would imagine that abuse that is that bad is probably more common than spoiling to that extreme.

Its like NPD. Narcissists could have been criticized too much by their parents or praised too much, although one of those is frequently more common than the other. But that doesn’t mean that they both don’t cause the disorder.

Thank you for this article. It put a lot of light on a problem I am going through right now with my boyfriend’s younger sister. I think both options are true….disorders aren’t caused by one issue alone! This helps.

After more than twenty years of working with children, teens and parents it is clear to me that parenting plays a role of paramount importance in the way kids turn out.

Of course there are both nature and nurture components. And there are certainly legitimately genetic components of the psychiatrically ill individuals such as schizophrenics who need extensive help.

However, ‘bad’ parenting can be defined in ways that a parent may not recognize in him or herself (so won’t report it). For example, birth order affects parenting–you may raise two kids differently because of their birth order, which could explain why one turns out to be a nicer person than the other.

Emotional or material overindulgence may have a significantly negative impact on a child, without a parent feeling like he or she is being a ‘bad’ parent. In fact, quite the opposite–a parent might feel like they are giving a child everything, when in fact they are raising a child who will eventually become an adult with no frustration tolerance, little appreciation, no work ethic, difficulty being independent and with expectations that no-one can fulfill–a mean, disgruntled and dissatisfied adult.

Bad parenting can take many forms, that to the parent engaging in it, looks and feels like good parenting, until their child is an adult. Then, the evidence is suddenly unmistakable. But it might just be easier to blame genetics!

Nicole….are you Sara? LOL You both personally attack the author in the same manner. Your insults have nothing whatsoever to do with the ideas and experiences brought forth. This is a blog where people comment on our experiences and share them to promote understanding. Yes, theories are put out there. If you disagree or have alternate theories, please feel free to share them. There is no need to feel insulted or threatened and go into personal attack mode. You avoided the actual content the writer addressed and instead put your energy into trashing her personally. Very immature.

Instead of automatically going on the defensive, being offended when clearly no personal offense was meant, and becoming discouraged why don’t you learn something from whats shared here? Gain a little insight from others experiences and perhaps you’ll learn something about yourself in the process that you weren’t aware of.

I’m sure the author, like most people here, wrote what she did with the intent to share and promote understanding of a difficult disorder which most people find uncomfortable to talk about. There are many aspects of this disorder in fact, that people would rather not face. Not just BPDs, but people who live with them as well. But she clearly put a lot of thought into her commentary, had plenty of experience living and dealing with BPD shenanigans, and the intent was to understand and deal with it head on. No where did she personally denigrate anyone. The intent was to help, give insight, share. Not mindlessly insult for the sake of insulting. That my dear, was all you.
Unless of course you still stand by your comments that the author’s age invalidates her ideas? We don’t know her age, yet based on your personal dig we’ve learned that You are old enough to know that movie, and that according to you, that makes your opinion invalid, since you are “so dated.” Or do you still stand by your sentiment that no one can possibly raise their children properly without advanced degrees in psychology, psychiatry, and social work? No one can comment on their experiences or life without such advanced official degrees? Really? Some people have loads of personal real life experience and knowledge that comes not from the distance of a third party official view backed by others people’s theories, but by real life experience up close and personal. To attempt to disparage this person’s experience by flinging personal insults out of the air, is what it is. Your comments are illogical, rude, and done purely for the sake of insulting. We learn nothing from your comments. You bring nothing valuable to the table. People insult like this when the truth gets a little too close to home.
There’s no call for it and there’s no integrity behind it.

Yes I stand by nobody being able to properly raise children without degrees in psychology, psychiatry and social work. We should probably take them all from their parents in Seattle right now before any more damage is done.